June 22nd, 2005

I'm creepy

Because my life has too much pragmatism in it

So a couple of you typer monkeys have mentioned that some of my material feels like it belongs on a sketch comedy show rather than a lame journal. This makes me both happy and sad. Happy because that's how a lot of my material is conceived of to begin with, and it's one of the things I would really love to do. Give me a small budget and a late night slot and I am absolutely convinced I could outdo SNL right now. Not classic SNL, but current SNL. Right now. At 23. Maybe when I'm 30 this will be a slightly more realistic dream. Maybe not. It's a dream nonetheless. It makes me sad, though, because there's nothing less productive for me than writing sketch comedy right now. If I work on a feature script there's a chance I could sell that, a slim chance but a chance, and make some money. Working on humor or essay writing there's a shot to get published. Sketch comedy? I guess conceivably I could write up some great sketches and try to find a contact person at some shows to send them to to show what a brilliant writer I am, but from what I understand that's not how the business works. There's few open auditions to be a sketch comedy writer, the market is flooded and there's very few slots.

That being said I like the format and just writing for writing's sake has its benefits, so I'll probably dash a few off and see how it goes. If people are interested I may post some on my journal. Keep in mind that stuff converted to script format would be subtracted from another format I might write it in, and while I think a lot of my stuff is very visual scripts are, for the most part, shitty to read. If people are interested I have a few ideas kicking around, and if not, well, I'll keep it to myself. FIE!

Poll #517867 Scripts

Are you interested in seeing things in script form?

Yes, free the art! Free the art.
No, no, a thousand times no
Eh, I don't care. I like it when it's shiny
I don't want to read anything you write, you fucker, you aimless motherfucker
I'm not sure I catch your meaning here, chief.

If I'm so funny why aren't the ladies all over me?

You're not funny.
Seriously not funny.
U L G Y you ain't got no alibi you're...oh forget it
Gee, I don't know, Fatty Fatterson Fatty Fatty Fat Fat Fattington Fatworth. It's a mystery. A big FAT mystery. Fat. Fat.

P.S. Rudie Can't Fail is one of those songs I could listen to over and over for HOURS on end. In fact I have. Don't you love it when you discover a new one of these songs? I mean it won't last forever, but while it's working it's like sonic crack and you just keep hitting the pipe and it keeps working and it's just AWESOME.
  • Current Music
    The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail
Dance For Mazzie



Hello beautiful people, it is I, your most beloved advice columnist Saddam Hussein. After my success in advising my captors on everything from the appropriate way to start a day (NO FROOT LOOPS. You bring me Froot Loops again I will have your wife raped and dipped in a vat of acid. I will have my men masturbate with the entrails of your grandmother. Do you know how many grams of sugar there are in Froot Loops? As many grams as you will hear screams from your daughters if they DISGRACE my table one more time.) to the right kind of woman you want to marry (You want a woman who can clean. It is not so easy to get blood out of crushed velvet. Trust Saddam on this, it is quite the hassle.) I have decided to educate all of America on the proper way to live your life. One does not remain brutal dictator of an oil-rich country without knowing a few things, and my knowledge is yours to probe. To those who challenge my right to share my views from prison I say the freedom of speech, she is a bitch, huh? I would not tolerate such insolence from a country I ruled and trust me, neither will George Bush if he can get that third PATRIOT act passed. Good luck with that George, knock on wood, or praise Jesus as you superstitious types say.

Q: Dear Saddam, I'm getting a little older, almost 22, and I'm not as pretty as I once was. I'm thinking of having a little work done, a nose job and maybe a bust enhancement, to make myself a little more attractive and boost my self-esteem. What do you think of plastic surgery? Enclosed is a picture.

Jenny, Long Beach, CA

A: Dearest Jenny,

You have a beautiful face. To get your nose altered is an abomination without equal. The fact that you would consider such a thing means that you are a whore, your mother is a whore, your mother's mother is a whore, and any girl children you might bear in your polluted womb would be whores of the most disgusting and flagrant variety. To even type this message to you dirties my hands to the point where I will have to scrub them until they bleed just to clean the shame your question has brought upon me. If you were to even whisper this plan of yours in my country my secret police would drag you screaming from the house of your father and you would never be heard from again. In fact they still might. I would sleep with one eye open from now on if I were you, you cannot hide from me in this Long Beach. After I beat these false charges of the imperialist George Bush II I will come to the long beach and I will teach you the meaning of fear.

I would get the boobs done though, you're a little flat up top. In a decadent western society big breasts are weapons of mass attraction. Hahaha. A little bit of Saddam humor there for you. Ahhhh...yes. Yes.

Q: Dear Saddam,

I owe a lot of money to the IRS and haven't paid taxes in years. Should I just hope they don't find out about me, or talk to them about maybe working out a payment plan?

Bill Johnson,

New York, NY

A: Dear Bill,

YOU PAY NOTHING to the imperialist United States. Nothing. If you give them so much as one penny I will have my men track you down, take your eyeballs out with curling irons, and feed your sauteed flesh to your children and their little friends. You spend your money on something practical, like mustard gas, and NEVER allow the auditors into your home. Build a spider hole out back just in case. Those are virtually foolproof.

Q: Dear Saddam,

This is a little embarrassing, but I followed your directions again and I couldn't find them. Please please please tell me where you put them, okay?

Your friend,

George Bush II

Washington D.C.

A: Dear George,

Keep looking, I am sure you will locate the WMDs soon. Have you checked under the rugs of my beautiful palaces? You have? Darn. I was sure that was where they were being kept. Wait a second, I seem to remember ordering a lieutenant of mine to move them to a location in Al Qafari, the New Jersey of Iraq. It is near a small bed and breakfast called the Infidels Must Die In Excruciating Agony, and Khurds Will Join Them The Spineless Curs Inn. Go there and ask for Chico, he may know where they are.

Best of luck, your pal,


Dear Saddam:

I'm trying to impress a special guy. French cut or thong?

Peta McDermont

Chicago, IL

Dear Peta:

First you are a whore. Second you are a whore. Third you are a whore. Fourth, you cannot go wrong with the BVDs. They work with any body type and haircut. They are the epitome of understated class and sexy. You wear the BVDs and if the man appreciates you, that is to say appreciates a brazen whore, he will be unable to keep himself from kidnapping you and forcing you to marry him at gunpoint. I hope you are very happy together.


Dear Saddam:

I admire your work with torture very much. The whole rape room thing was a great idea, but I want to expand on it, maybe add a hot tub full of pig shit or I don't know, some really bad track lighting. You're my idol and I just hope that some day I can be a tenth the torturer you were.

Donald Rumsfeld,

Washington D.C.

Dear Rummy,

It is wonderful to hear from you, my old and dear friend. Remember when we spent that night together in Baghdad playing Monopoly: Genocide Edition. You got a monopoly on the trail of tears and built up all the concentration camps so quickly I assumed you were cheating and had your translator executed on the spot. It turns out you were just lucky. Good times, good times. Now I am imprisoned by the imperialist pigs of your government, the filthy scoundrel liars and curs. You never come to visit? Why is that? Are you ashamed of your old pal Saddam? I miss you, bright eyes.

Anyway, I do have advice for you if you still want to listen to an over the hill slaughterer of the innocent like me. You are doing very well for yourself down with the Gitmo. I approve. If you really want to spruce up a torture room, you have to go with the Hammaker Schlemmer remote nipple and genital shock kit. Now be sure to get the industrial version and the erotic one. You want to smell the burning flesh of your victims, not spice up their bedroom lives. Nothing quite gets to a torture victim like giving him or her a big shock to the most sensitive regions while s/he is weeping in the corner from the shame and violation. It's a bit on the pricey side, but what do you care? You are already racking up the big debts. Go wild, it's not like you will be paying the bill. May I recommend the firetruck red version? It matches the look of raw skin after a full body sandpapering. Also, Don, you know you are the master with the water boarding so do not let me down there. I know that many of the men you hold were my loyal subjects, but I believe if you're going to torture someone you do it right or you don't do it at all. Alberto Gonzalez didn't write those memos so you could half ass it. There is a joke going around about us you know. What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and Donald Rumsfeld? One is on trial for crimes against humanity and the other only SHOULD be. Haha I love that one. Take care!

Your devoted friend,

Saddam Hussein.
  • Current Music
    Tears for Fears - Pale Shelter

10 Reasons why people hate you

Mmm Bop is not a ring tone. It's a cry for help.

Butt crack may be the new cleavage but unkempt pubic hair is SO not the new long bangs.

Your "New Fragrance" is actually Duck Sauce, and WE ALL KNOW IT.

You're always bragging about the time you slept with the lead singer of Soft Cell. Newsflash, Tainted Love was over 20 years ago. You weren't even born yet. It's not cool, it's not sexy, it's sad.

See if you can solve this anagram: WIPE YOUR ASS!!

You want more money? You know what? Fuck the children. Fuck them in the ass.

Yes we're going to eat that. We were going to eat that yesterday we're going to eat that tomorrow. We're always going to eat that.

A butt slap is a compliment. Pressing charges? So not cool.

Spelchk is yur frend.

Chew, swallow, then talk. Is it that hard?
  • Current Music
    Chris Isaak - Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing
I'm creepy

Goin' down down down

Got hit by depression pretty bad today. Not a little love tap either this was a full on left hook to the tip of the chin. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, part of it was having bills due. I have the money to cover them, but I need income and I'm not seeing a short term solution for that. One of my real fears is spending down all the money I have and ending up a bum on the street with no marketable skills and no prospects for employment. Realistically I am at least a few years away from that being a possibility, but a few years isn't an eternity and I need to get my ass in gear.

The thing is I don't exactly know how to do that. As humiliating as it is I've never really gotten a job 'cold' before. Every position I've ever had has been through contacts or family connections or something. I know that's how most people get their jobs, but I'm finding this whole searching listings and sending out resumes thing kind of depressing. There aren't a ton of positions out there, those that are generally summarily reject anyone who is 'entry level' and it's frustrating as hell. What's even more frustrating is that even if I do jump through all the hoops and find a position it won't be doing what I actually want to do. I know this is pretty standard for people my age, or even my elders, but that doesn't exactly make it pleasant.

I am frustrated with myself for being in this position. I could be better situated if I had done more stuff earlier. If I'd gotten involved in publications in college or gotten internships in the industries I like rather than others. My not having done so wasn't due to poor planning so much as not being ready and not being clear on what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer and took an internship at a court, there's nothing inherently wrong with that but it turned out to be a mistake. I also should have done a third major, in film, but by the time I decided on that I had already applied for graduation. Frustrating.

Of course there's things I could do now to network, which is what I really need. I should enroll in some cheapish classes somewhere to meet people and try to make contacts, and of course there's the carpet bombing query letter approach which has worked for some in the past (Where you basically write everyone around who you respect or admire and ask them to keep your resume on file.) I'll definitely do the former soon and the latter seems probable, but all of that can take years to really pay off.

I feel ready to contribute now and I feel shut out. It's painful. I checked out Writer's Market to see if there was anywhere to send my stuff, and under humor it listed two options, slim and none. None pays better.

Realistically I have options. For one thing I can work on my feature screenplays and hope that I can find someone interested in them. I think that they're marketable ideas and that if I spent a couple months with my head down I could get them into professional quality shape. I believe in me! The other thing I should definitely do is get my own website. LJ is great and I intend to keep it as a personal blog, but I'm at the point as a writer where I can start showing stuff to the world. Having my own website won't pay the bills, in fact it will cost some (though nothing I can't afford just by cutting out the porn I still sometimes buy) but it is a step in the right professional direction. Saying "I'm really funny in my web diary" is worthless in an application. Saying "I have a humor website you can check out" has a lot more value, especially if the stuff is good. It will also force me to EDIT EDIT EDIT which is a huge bugbear of mine. I can keep this journal for personal reflection and link to the other site when it gets up and going. The problem with this plan is that it will force me to either pay someone a significant sum to design the site, or design the site myself. While I'm pretty sure I could do the necessary HTML and script work, I'm not a terrible programmer, my graphic design abilities are shit. As a director I know how to frame a shot and prepare a really good sequence, but as a visual artist I'm just no good. And I know that. Ideally I would have someone who wanted to work with me on it, but I don't, and I can't let myself be stopped by that.

So there are options out there, things to pursue. Comedy clubs also exist, though I'm not ready to do that yet. Meanwhile if my weight keeps dropping that will be a plus, and going through this shit is just part of life. But that doesn't change the fact that for a few minutes this morning I didn't want to live anymore, and that doesn't make me less emotionally vulnerable to this stuff.

I think part of it may be that I'm getting sick. I know why too. I went to get my elderly neighbor a prescription and when I brought it back to her I helped her figure out her DVD player and a few other things. As Karmic return for those unforgivable actions I got the cold she had. It's only fair I guess.

This entry is a prime reason why I need a separate website. I know a lot of people who would probably enjoy my more lighthearted stuff don't want to hear or see my moaning and complaining. I'll be okay, I'll rebound and come back stronger than ever. That's the story, right? Two steps forward one step back is still a step in the right direction.
  • Current Music
    Nirvana - I Hate Myself And Want To Die