June 26th, 2005

Dance For Mazzie

The rape of the American woman

My friends America is going through a great crisis right now. I am talking about the explosion of homosexuals in our classrooms and our communities, as distasteful as that may be. I am not talking about the whorishness of our young women or the pharmaceutical pimps who would give them drugs to try and avoid their shame and responsibility. I am not even talking about the traitors who call for the abdication of American defense with their claims that Guantanamo Bay is anything less than a necessary part of the war against Islam, oops, I mean terror. Wink wink. No, what I am talking about is a different kind of crime. A crime against the young mothers of this beautiful nation. A crime perpetrated against them with the knowing conspiracy of their husbands, doctors, and 'friends.' A crime so epic in proportion that it boggles the very mind. I am talking, of course, about the rape of our nation's women...

By babies.

Babies are raping our women in untold numbers, and we do nothing. We sit back and call it "natural childbirth" or...please excuse my language..."Vaginal delivery." Well there is nothing natural about it, and as for the foul language version, it shows just what an abomination we are dealing with. Vaginae are receptacles. They are not designed to DELIVER anything. For a woman to expel something from her vagina is like a man sticking something up his penis, which I think we can all agree is very wrong even though it feels AWESOME.

Now you may be surprised to learn about the unnatural nature of childbirth by vagina. Perhaps you believe that god created woman, and in his perfect wisdom he made her without a single flaw, perfectly designed for her greatest task, the bringing forth of children into this world. Well you're wrong. God is completely infallible but he dropped the ball here, dropped the ball big time.

You see the only way out of a woman's uterus, where babies grow, is through her genitals. Babies also have genitals. This means that when a baby is born through the vagina the risk of genital to genital contact is astronomical. It is a pretty safe bet to say that in most births, especially of a male child, the walls of the vagina come into contact with the genitals, in this case the penis, for extended periods of time.

If that's not sex I don't know what is.

Now the question you should be asking yourself is would you allow another man to place his penis inside your wife or daughter? How about his mouth? His whole head? His entire body? Of course not. Now some of you hippies out there might be arguing that the man's opinion is irrelevant, that women have the right to their own bodies. Bullshit. When an egg is fertilized inside a woman she has the duty to bring it into this world, that's an established moral fact. She is a vessel. As such her opinion is irrelevant, and indeed she cannot choose whether to have a baby or not, that's in god's hands. No my friends it is up to us to protect the honor of our women by keeping babies out of their vaginae. Remember that as soon as sperm enters egg a human being is brought into this world. A human being who will nine months later come to know the most intimate parts of your wife's body.

Thankfully we have a tool to keep our women free of baby rape, and that is the cesarean section. The C-Section has fallen out of favor recently because there are health complications and dangers. Well I for one believe that the moral complications of allowing your son to penetrate your wife's vagina are much greater than any risk of internal hemorrhaging. Let's get real here.

Once a baby is out in the world he is the most precious gift from god you could ever receive, but until then he is a would-be rapist stalking your beloved wife, hiding in the place where she is most vulnerable, within her. This is part of original sin, the original sin of incest that occurs every time a woman bears a child through the vaginal route. We can end this moral crisis easily. Cesarean sections are there for the taking. Let us not allow this plague to continue to plague us. Let us fight back against the immorality of babies and their mothers!

As for breast feeding, well, if you would not allow a full grown man to go up to your wife and start to suck fluid from her breasts then you should not allow a baby to do so either. God gave us formula and minds of our own. Let's use them.
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Two mini movie reviews

Over the weekend I saw two films I'd been meaning to catch via the magic of recorded video entertainment (This is also the method I use to see naked ladies. Recorded Video Entertainment is hardcore. It doesn't fuck around.) Now I'm going to tell you about them even though you probably have already seen both of them. Why? Because I don't have a girlfriend, and wasting your time is how I try to fill the void inside of me. Shouldn't I try to take this energy and channel it into something more productive, try to shape up and straighten up so I can compete more effectively in the cutthroat New York hot chick s-exchange? What about trying to achieve spiritual peace through meditation and yoga, or deep analysis of essential philosophical texts? Doesn't keeping busy just mask the deep deep hurt? Fascinating questions, all, but shut up. You're not my father. So without further ado:

Bringing up Baby:

This is widely considered the classic Screwball comedy, which is kind of like being the best exhibit at the World's Fair. Congratulations, you kick a whole lot of ass...or would if it were fifty years ago and I were driving an Edsel*. It's not that it's a bad movie, it's just that it isn't particularly funny or original seeming. The latter may be because it has been ripped off so often but the former is an issue that can't be so easily ignored. Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton are still hilarious today, so it's not just that comedy doesn't age, it's that comedies back then were more like dramatic comedies than films played for laugh. They were lighthearted films that ended happily, and Bringing Up Baby fits this bill perfectly.

Unfortunately being lighthearted without being funny means that it ends up being somewhat pleasant to watch, but not much more. It doesn't help matters that strong independent woman of the time Katherine Hepburn comes off as a flighty idiot. The love between Carey Grant's character and hers is entirely unbelievable and kind of boring. It's not a bad film, not at all, but it doesn't hold up for me like so many other classics. You can see the genesis of a lot of American comedy in films like these but I for one am glad that we've moved on to stuff like The Producers or even Old School.

On the Baldwin Rating Scale it gets an Alec in historical context and a reluctant Steven for the modern viewer.

Collateral:

This weekend seemed like a good time to dive into Tom Cruise's catalog of excellently homo eroticism free film performances (in which he personally, PERSONALLY, cures film goers of their drug addictions through the power of his acting.) I decided to start with this one because it was one of those movies I'd been looking forward until I read reviews, and sometimes those turn out to be better than the press. This one wasn't.

It started reasonably well, though I'm not a fan of the jittery hand-held camera work in a film like this, it feels cheap and distracting. The opening sequences establishing the characters were engaging and interesting. Then the actual film starts and it begins to unravel. The problem is with the script, Mann directs the long stretches of dialog with enough skill to keep things interesting and the action sequences are tight and entertaining. On the other hand the characters are all sketched in with Mamet sparsity, but without Mamet's gift for dialog or tense relationships. You don't really care about what's going on or what's going to happen, and that's a big flaw in a film like this that wants to be a thriller. The world of L.A. at night is also rendered in a flat style that makes it seem almost dead. This may be intentional, but it was not a good choice.

The film's climax is as absurd and ridiculous as you've probably heard, and really takes it down a few notches. It makes what worked earlier, the cold professionalism of the Assassin's rounds seem almost accidental and it leaves you rolling your eyes and waiting for the credits. It's almost as if the studio let Mann make 3/4 of the film he wanted and then asked him to turn the end into a standard big-budget picture. "Make it like Die Hard in an office building!"

As for the acting? Pretty decent. Tom Cruise does a believable killer and his gray hair and beard work well to ameliorate his boyish charm. On the other hand when he's asked to talk all fancy and stuff he comes off as a little flat and vapid. I don't think that's current events weighing on my opinion, though the fault, dear Brutus, could lie with the script.

Up until the end Collateral had a decent change at being a Steven, but when you start going all ridiculous blockbuster on me and don't even give me some fancy stuff 'splodin' well...

BILLIFIED!

*Edsels are like kryptonite to the ladies, and don't let anyone tell you different.
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