June 27th, 2005


To the dads who weren't there

Father's day passed by recently with little fanfare from most and no mention from me. For those who did note it much of the focus seemed to be on successful and present fathers. While it's true that those fathers deserve respect for their contributions to our world, what about the fathers? The ones who didn't stick around, or neglected their kids, or who were just right bastards?

Who honors them?

Now some may argue that such fathers are a parasite on our society and deserve no regard from the rest of us. They couldn't possibly be more wrong. You see neglectful absent fathers give us one of the greatest gifts mankind has ever known, and that is, the slut.

Did you know that girls who grow up without fathers are more than twice as likely to engage in premarital sexual relations before the age of 18? I'll bet you didn't. Remember those few times you got laid in high school? You have absent fathers to thank for that. Women who grew up fatherless are also 47% more likely to enjoy being spanked and 68% more likely to give regular unreciprocated oral sex. They are 52% easier to convince to let you do them without using a prophylactic. Not too shabby. But wait, it gets even better. Clothes worn by fatherless women consist of 23% less fabric by surface area and a surprising 38% less by weight. That means that fatherless girls wear tighter, skimpier clothes with more cleavage and leg showing. Can't beat that. Fatherless women are also a whopping 89% more likely to have daddy issues classified as "Severe" or higher on the Farley-Dickerson scale. This may not seem like a big deal to my younger readers, but anyone 30 or older who still wants to pick up college girls will find it a godsend. Rumor has it that these girls are also 40% more likely to agree to suck your cock for 25% less money, but I wouldn't know anything about that.

Are there disadvantages to relations with a daddyless woman? Yes. For one thing her increased sexual activity, and willingness to go without protection, means that she is 17% more likely to have that STD that puts spots on your thingee, and 21% more likely to have the one that turns it purple. She will want you to tell her you love her 33% sooner than a 'normal' woman will, and is 78% more likely to want to call you "daddy" during sex in a way that makes you feel just a little bit creepy. They also call 64% more frequently and are 12% angrier when they learn you didn't answer because you were with another woman, even if nothing you said implied the relationship was exclusive. Fatherless women are 26% more likely to become pregnant during the course of a year due to their increased volume of sex, and 7% more likely to want to keep the baby. They are also 5% more likely to slap you upside the head if you look at other women, but this finding was not deemed statistically significant.

So there are mixed results of fatherlessness on girls, but what about on boys? Well there we see a much sharper negative influence. Fatherless boys are 39% more likely to be total fucking assholes, and 37% more likely to try to take your shit when you're not looking. Fatherless dudes are 42% more likely to be holding pot or alcohol, but 68% more likely to bogart it, or at least act like they're fucking gods just because their overstressed mothers don't pay attention to how much whiskey is in the bottle she keeps in her desk. More alarmingly boys who grow up without fathers are like 55% more likely to totally try and look at your schlong in the locker-room, or ask you to compare, and like a billion percent more likely to grow up into homos. So that's a problem. Still I guess somebody needs to design dresses small enough to send normal sized women searching for a cock to help rebuild their shattered self-esteem.

As we can see there are many results of fatherlessness, some good, some bad, but we can all agree that the world would be a much worse place if there weren't at least some fatherless children in it. After all easy women and gays are critical parts of the glorious social fabric of this diverse country and overall fatherless people have 48% more hot dirty sex than those from intact homes. Perhaps it's time for us as a society to recognize the contributions of deadbeat and no show dads on the beautiful tapestry that is America and not just privilege the fathers who actually take the time to show up and be there. It's the least we could do after all they've given us.

Special note: Fatherless researchers are 48% more likely to pull statistics out of their ass than their intact home counterparts.
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    Beastie Boys - No Sleep Till Brooklyn

New Seizure law

Moving quickly after the recent Supreme Court decision many towns and municipalities have passed new laws allowing for easier seizure of private property for public and private use. While property advocate groups have complained that many of the new laws are unjust and unfair most agree that the most draconian measure was passed by the Missouri State Legislature. According to the new law, enacted Monday, any Missouri government official can seize any piece of private property he wants for any reason. Explained Martha Katzwillitz of the legislature "We believe that this law will help the state's economic development plan, and provide much needed relief to our strained budget. For example we've just canceled prescription drug coverage for state employees, who will now be expected to use the power of eminent domain to fill costly prescriptions. Also we've been able to close the subsidized cafeteria at the main Human Services office. Employees wanting a hot lunch can simply go to the nearby Jefferson City elementary school and seize it from a student."

Many Missourians are upset about these developments. Says Georgia Peters of Fayette Bluffs, "My son Timmy is in third grade. I always give him money for lunch because he's a growing boy, but yesterday a couple male nurses from a V.A. hospital came into his school and seized his lunch tray along with the dollar I gave him for a soda after school. When he complained and threatened to tell the principal they seized his glasses and taunted him. Then one of them seized the back of his underpants and yanked them up in a very aggressive manner. I'm so upset I'm considering moving to that rotpit called Arkansas."

It turns out that underwear seizure has become a problem throughout much of Missouri. At a Hooters in Marris County a pair of young highway patrolmen entered and laid claim to the uniforms of the waitresses. Witnesses quote them as claiming "It is vital for the economic development of the state that we have your shorts and halter tops. Bras and panties too please."

When asked about the constitutionality of the recent seizures governor Matt Blunt was both direct and...well...blunt. "Look, right now we're just focusing on seizing things we want. In a few days we'll all sit down and come up with some bullshit excuse as to why it's for the public good, and the supreme court will back us up because these days it's more of a symbolic institution than anything else. We can do whatever we want. If any of newspapers print these remarks I may just have to seize their building and give it to a Chuck E. Cheese, yeah, bitch, I can do that."

For now the seizures continue, from luxury cars to the latest Xbox games, throughout the state. In fact it is rumored that one of the next moves might be to...hey...leggo my computer. What? No you can't...give it ba-
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    American Hi-Fi - Surround

Right Stuff Write Stuff

I have felt pretty good recently, especially about my writing, which is coming along. I know it's not quite ready yet, but that's okay. You can't force these things, you can only work on them. There are a few leads on the job front, through contacts. I am happy about that I guess, but right now I'm not ready to take just anything. I'm in a decent flow. My weight's coming down, slowly but notably. I'm writing, which is what I want to do, and it's not even about the stuff I post here. The stuff I post here is just throwaway junk, ideas that I don't mind wasting in the learning process while I hoard my good ones for later. There are things I won't be ready to write for years, but some may be ready sooner and I'm excited. Excited about doing the kind of writing I know I will be able to do at a level far far higher than this. Everything you've seen so far has been a first draft, and some of it has been really good for a first draft, but a first draft is just a charcoal sketch of the eventual painting. I may soon be ready to start painting.

One thing I worry about is reining some of the more unusual elements of my sensibility. Take today's piece on fatherlessness. I loved it, for three primary reasons. For one I thought it was really funny, for another I did a really good job of skewering a certain type of conservative fluff piece about family values. Conservatives are so quick to blame poor people for being poor and ignore statistics that show that the poor are unlikely to be able to rise above their economic station even if they work hard, but they are quick to blame the world's ills on absent fathers and feminists who promote divorce. Can't have it both ways fellows, either station in life is destiny or it isn't, you can't blame poor people for not succeeding and then blame single mothers for wrecking their children's lives. Can't get them coming and going. The third reason is because it was edgy to the point of discomfort. I know that there are people out there who will be offended by it or feel uncomfortable being amused, and I like that because I think that in forcing people to confront such discomfort you make them re-evaluate their attitudes. As the piece tapers away from even the trappings of sophistication towards the end I feel like it effectively demonstrates contempt for such frat boy comments even as it exploits them for their humor. It's that sort of tension that I think makes for good provocative writing.

Of course I don't know how clearly that comes through or how to make it more obvious without making it...obvious, but it's what I really like to do. I like to do it even more through fiction, though that adds yet another level of obfuscation.

Still I have a lot of hope for the future, at least longterm. I'm not quite at the "King Kong ain't got NOTHING on me" stage of confidence that I really need, but I'm at least at "The Stay Pufft Marshmallow man has only a FEW things on me...mostly size and deliciousness." So that's something, right?

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    Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention - Dinah-Moe Humm