July 1st, 2005


The unvarnished truth

Fact: In order to properly install the plexiglass bridge needed for my air conditioner I am probably going to need to enlist the help of the building handyman, who has experience in such things and can drill a straight clean hole without losing a finger.

Fact: In order to have the building handyman come into my room and help me install the bridge I am going to have to clean my room to the point where it no longer resembles the town of Chernobyl in May of 1986.


Most people view cleaning a room as a minor inconvenience of life, like oral herpes or Bryan Adams fans.* Not I. I view it as a violation, an unnatural break in the order of things, like bowel cancer or David Arquette.

Men are messy. It's just something we do. If women weren't around the entirety of the earth's surface would be covered by used sweat socks in approximately 3 months. Humans would be forced to move underground to live like mole people beneath an ever accruing layer of junk on the top. When the aliens finally did get around to visiting earth they'd find evidence that an advanced civilization once existed here in the form of mile deep piles of pizza boxes and the Grand Canyon filled with self-help books uniformly bookmarked at page 14, but not much else. The men would all be deep beneath the crust of the earth, churning out more junk to send topside as fast as they could.

It's not that men are callous, stupid, or uncaring. In fact it may be that we care a little too much. A man sees a patch of unused space as a violation of nature. Chairs were made for sitting in, eyeglasses were made for looking through, and tables were made for holding things. When a big table holds nothing but a bowl of fruit and a doily it's not fulfilling its function. It's not...happy. Now you add a few layers of papers, some books, a used soup bowl, some empty soda cans, and maybe T-shirt hanging off one end, that table's in seventh heaven. It's doing what it does, happy as a clam.

Some men may stop there, but others, the Egalitarian Object Distributors, look around and realize that while the quest to cover every table and counter in assorted filth is a noble one, it is hardly enough. These men look down at the floor beneath their feet and come to the realization that it too is lonely. A floor is made for stepping on, sure, but how often does each individual spot on the floor receive the loving tread of a human foot? Once a day? A week? A month? Most of a floor's existence is wasted waiting for someone, anyone, to walk by and give it meaning.

That's no way to exist. So EODs decide to help the floors out by strewing papers and food containers over them, creating a layer of material that the floor can support 24/7. This process is very delicate and requires meticulous planning. For example you don't want to pair an empty container of Moo Shu Pork with a crushed Sunkist can. That could cause indigestion. Also you never want literary works with competing philosophies to encounter one another, so Vogue should be kept far from Atlantic Monthly.

Once a floor has been satisfyingly coated in objects the man realizes that these objects are being used as means rather than ends unto themselves, and so in a fit of Kantian largess he stacks more stuff on top of them, layering the floor with empty cans of chili and shredded newspaper until it's knee deep and starts to resemble a sort of garbage stew. As the junk starts to meld together into one solid coating of...stuff...its true purpose is reached and a utopian calm sets in around the home space.

There's another positive element to this sort of egalitarian spreading of the wealth, and that is that it acts a shrine to our society. What's the main thing America produces? Technology, media content, horrible cars? No, it's packaging. Most of what we make is packaging for other stuff. Most of that packaging gets thrown out. Is that right? No. An egalitarian object distributor doesn't discriminate based on assigned function. A 3 year old box from Amazon.com, broken and dirty, can cover a floor just as effectively as a Teach Yourself C in 21 Days book, and he knows it. He's maintaining the fruits of our labor for perpetuity. So some day when someone says "Gee, remember the way Coke cans used to look at the turn of the century? It's too bad we recycled them all to save the planet" he can say:

"No Timmy, we didn't recycle all of them. We didn't get them all" and produce an example. I mean seriously, who knows when the fate of humanity will hinge on whether someone can procure pages 2-9 of the June 1995 issue of Electronic Gamer Monthly. By preserving these items the EODs preserve our culture and our way of life. They create living museums on the floors of homes, museums that save the things most others throw away. Where else can you find an empty Duracell package from the late 80's next to a soiled 10th grade Term Paper (B+!)?

So who stands in the way of this great project? Women. Women are made for breeding and caring for babies, so they have an irrational aversion to filth. They're also so distracted by their love of shoes that they can't remember where anything is unless it's in the same place EVERY time so they demand cupboards and folded clothing and instructions simpler than "Yeah the scissors are over there, about two feet beneath the soiled bedsheets next to the nuclear waste pile. Fuckers. And women impose their demands on others around them, namely men, so that as men live with women they pick up these habits and abandon their EOD ways in pursuit of pussy. Then these men start to demand other men obey the arbitrary rules and pretty soon what you have is cleanliness, a state of blind obedience to female neuroticism where the couches are covered in decorative pillows rather than lovely filth, and the history of America is shipped off to the landfills one bag at a time.

My handyman is woman corrupted. He believes you should be able to see a patch of floor before you step on it. I am a hardcore EOD, one of the last men left uncorrupted by our womancentric society, headed towards a sadly sterile world. Before he will help me, I must clean. I must destroy my carefully collected piles of garbage and filth in the pursuit of cool air. I must betray my EOD heritage if I want to have comfort. I don't really have a choice in the matter, I've bought the air conditioner and I need to be able to breath and stay awake to write but:


Goodbye Nipps wrappers from 1984. I'll miss you.

*The last one died in 1989 of hairspray toxicity. Turns out most 80's hairsprays were made from a combination of enriched uranium and asbestos. The band Poison? , yeah, that name was literal.
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Supreme Court Shakeup

We all know by now that Sandra Day O'Connor has retired from the U.S. Supreme Court. There's been a lot of talk about who will follow in her footsteps, with many observers believing it will be Alberto Gonzalez or some other big time conservative. While there is no doubt that Gonzalez would have been an admirable candidate an announcement has already been issued by the Bush White House naming O'Connor's successor, and it will be someone few expected:

Mr. Tom Cruise

Bush spokesman Scott McLellan explains:

"While Tom Cruise is not in the traditional mold of a Supreme Court Justice, having spent his entire adult life as a movie actor rather than a judge or lawyer, we feel that he is well suited to the task. For one thing he's extremely handsome. President Bush was talking to me just the other day, and he said 'Hey Scottie Too Hottie,' that's what he calls me, Scottie Too Hottie after the wrestler, 'Hey Scottie, you know who's handsome? That Tom Cruise. Very attractive man. Beautiful green eyes. Nice jawline. Loved him in Jerry McGuire. Show me the money. Show me the money. Hehehe. Is there a place for him in this administration? I'm tired of looking at Rumsfeld. Not a pretty man. Always bringing me bad news. Ugly, bad news. Won't have that. Get me Tom Cruise.' President Bush was also impressed by Cruise's staunch stance against women with post-partum depression, which the president does not believe is real because women love babies. God told him so. While he admits that Cruise isn't exactly qualified to be on the highest court of the land he believes him to be a good learner and adds that he himself was scoffed at as underqualified to be president, and 'look how good that turned out, gooder than anyone thinked.'"

For his part Tom Cruise has already accepted the nomination, though he issued a press release stating that he had to break up an exceptionally enjoyable lovemaking session with Katie Holmes in order to be made aware of it. "I, Tom Cruise, star of such awesome movies as Top Gun and Cocktail do hereby agree to become a supreme court judge guy. I am also passionately in love with Katie Holmes, and I plan to both marry and sex her up as soon as is possible."

Cruise has also issued policy statements about the major issues that he expects to confront from the bench:


I'm against abortion. It traumatizes the immortal soul of the body and, the only mother who would want one would be one who was not getting the proper vitamins and exercise regiment. Since I Tom Cruise have personally, PERSONALLY, gathered literally dozens of abandoned fetuses and nursed them to health and vital long lives by storing them in my anal cavity for 12 hours a day and my mouth for the other 12, I find it abhorrent that they would be discarded. Besides abortion utilizes procedures that are against Tech and thus should be forbidden. Roe Vs Wade? More like Nazis vs...not-Nazis.

Gun Control:

I, Tom Cruise, am strongly against gun control. The next alien invasion can happen any time and we need to be armed. Do you think you can defeat the space aliens with psychotropic medications and electroshock therapy? No my friends, as devastating as those weapons are, so devastating that they should never be used on humans, they will do nothing to the aliens. The only way to stop them is to shoot them until they are incapacitated and dump them into volcanoes. Thus I am very much pro gun and pro volcano. Only by utilizing these two vitals tools can I personally, PERSONALLY, assure the safety of every American.


Let me tell you something about Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise supports education. How do I know this? I've done the research. I've asked Tom Cruise whether he supports education and do you know what Tom Cruise said? He said "I, Tom Cruise, strongly support education." Tom Cruise is not at all against education. Tom Cruise just thinks education should be realistic. It shouldn't include all this garbage about evolution or medicine or that junk. It should teach children about body thetans and becoming clears and how to fight against the emotional problems of those who oppose Scientology. We only need one textbook in our schools, Dianetics, and once we have that and the E-meters we will have education. Biology is bullshit. Physics is bullshit. Calculus is bullshit. Do you know how I know that? I've done the research. You haven't done the research. Education as it stands now is a Nazi science. The Nazis educated their children. Are we Nazis?

Interpretation of the Constitution:

I believe that we need to be strict readers of the constitution because that is very important. However I also believe that there are some problems in the constitution that are a result of the founding fathers not having sufficient tech or auditing to make clearheaded decisions. For example I do not like the first amendment one bit, and I don't think I would consider that when making my decisions. The only world worth living in is one where Scientology is the center and everything else radiates out. I know this. I've done the research. TOM CRUISE HAS DONE THE RESEARCH. So I think we'd get rid of that one. Also the bit about elections. How can you allow pre-clears to make those decisions? No, I don't think I'd support that part. Most of the rest is okay though.

Flag Burning

Flag burning is a result of unaudited thetans and should be banned. So should slandering the Church of Scientology. Those are irrefutable facts. I've done the research.

Homosexual marriage

Those rumors are unsubstantiated. I never married a homosexual in Cabo. Furthermore I do not have homosexual sex with homosexuals, I have hot incredibly heterosexual sex with heterosexual actress Katie Holmes. I happen to have a bunch of gay porn-star friends, but who doesn't? They are people too. Many are pre clears who need my guidance and my personal, PERSONAL, help to get off drugs through Narconon, the only effective narcotics treatment program. They need vitamins and exercise. I help them. Sometimes I personally, PERSONALLY, inject them with an important vitamin solution while we exercise together. I feel very pleased when they swallow, because I know it will help them break their addictions. Sometimes we have to do the process hundreds of times before it works, but it always does. Therefore gays should not marry because I can personally, PERSONALLY, help them. All gays should come to me for personal sessions.

Tort Reform

I enjoy tortes so I am against reforming them. Except that sometimes parents put Ritalin in the tortes to drug their children because the psychiatrists tell them too, and I am strongly against that, so insofar as torte reform would eliminate ritalin I am for it. I have personally, PERSONALLY, seen the damage Ritalin in tortes can do to children who shouldn't be drugged by a nazi pastry.


Only for psychiatrists and non-clears. I personally, PERSONALLY, have seen the damage psychiatrists do and I have DONE THE RESEARCH. They should be executed. Everyone else should merely be sent to Narconon if they are on drugs, or Crimeonon if they are on crime, and they will be cured. You could cure anyone through vitamins and exercise. The research shows this. Even Jeff Dahlmer could be cured with the right combination of vitamins.

Cruise is expected to have a tough confirmation battle. When senator John McCain was asked what he thought about the Cruise nomination he had this to say: "What? You can't be !@*#ing serious. You CAN'T be #@@!ing serious. No @#$!ing way. @#$! that." President Bush remains optimistic though.

"We're already preparing the court for Tom. For example we're lowering the bench by a few feet so he can leap on it if he gets excited or if Katie comes up during oral arguments. Also we're going to alien proof his chambers and require all clerks to attend at least a day at the nearby Scientology center. This is unorthodox, I know, but frankly I think this country could do with more religion, no matter how crackpot crazy it might be. God told me so. Himself. He talks to me personally, PERSONALLY."

President Bush added that he had not done the research, but he was willing to read a synopsis if it wasn't too long and didn't cut in to nap time.
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