July 3rd, 2005


socratic Your SCOTUS news source!

After it was discovered that previous candidate Tom Cruise is ineligible to serve on because he is not an evangelical Christian, a new candidate has quickly emerged as the forerunner for the now vacant seat on the United States Supreme Court. That Candidate's name?


Joe Fetus seen here in an undated photo.

Joe Fetus is the 24 week old son of Laura and Marshall Fetus (deceased) from Pine Bluffs Wyoming. His is a heartwarming story. Marshall Fetus, Joe's father, was recently killed in Iraq when an IED blew up his unarmored humvee, and with Laura looking for a way for the family to stay afloat financially in difficult times she turned to president George Bus. He responded by nominating her unborn son to the Supreme Court.

Speaking for Joe, who remains in her womb, Laura Fetus said that he was thrilled to receive the nomination and would gladly accept. "Joe is very excited about the opportunity to serve on the United States Supreme Court. He believes he will make a very good justice and will uphold the strict constructionist interpretation of the constitution he holds so dear."

Some legal scholars have argued that Fetus is too young to be a Supreme Court Justice. Says Harvard Law Professor Smithers P Bluntly "Joe Fetus has no pertinent legal education or experience. He is incapable of eating or breathing on his own and relies on his mother for his immune system. He is rated as "Barely Qualified" by the United States bar association and we have no idea of his opinions on scores of important matters. This is clearly a political appointment and he should not be confirmed."

For their part numerous conservative commentators take issue with the fetus nomination. Columnist Jeff Jacoby notes that "While we are pretty sure that Fetus is anti-abortion, who knows how that opinion will change once he is out of the womb. Furthermore we simply do not know enough about his opinions on other key issues to be sure that he will not become another liberal as his years on the court slip by. He also has a life expectancy of over 70 years, and as a supporter of judicial term limits I cannot abide putting someone on the bench for nearly a century. The fetus nomination should be praised for its pro-life ramifications but ultimately is not a good one."

Fetus supporters say they note the criticism but believe it to be overly harsh. "Joe Fetus may not have a law background per se, but we believe that knowing what you're talking about is no longer a requirement in American political life. We have an intelligence apparatus that appears to have the combined intelligence of brine shrimp, a war on terror that does absolutely nothing to fight terrorism, why not a Supreme Court Justice who doesn't know what the constitution is? The attempt to keep Joe Fetus from the bench is just another example of how unborn Americans are discriminated against. There is a genocide of the unborn going on in this country, it is time they had a voice within the highest court in the land. For those who oppose him on the grounds of his not having sufficient 'education,' there is a simple solution. After Fetus leaves the womb he will be given to Justice Antonin Scalia, who will care for him, feed him, help him make boom boom, and write his decisions until he is ready to do so himself. It worked for Clarence Thomas."

For his part Scalia has indeed agreed to care for Fetus while he learns the ins and outs of things like not spitting up, swaying his head back and forth, and how the penumbra of the commerce clause can be applied to situations such as marijuana sales where no legitimate products are involved. "Give me the child" said Scalia, during a rare press conference. "I will teach him to hate. I will teach him to loathe and destroy all who are beneath him and show how only by strengthening the ruling class and its proxies can we create the true meritocracy of wealth and power that we deserve. Also how to legislate from the bench and call it strict constructionist thinking. I'll teach him that too."

Fetus has other powerful supports on the right. Pat Buchanan has announced his support for the American born candidate, while Tom DeLay lent his considerable moral weight to the nomination before scurrying off to ready his defense against charges of ethical violations. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist looked at some recordings of sonograms for about 20 minutes before announcing that he thought Fetus was sucking his thumb in a unique way that indicates a superior legal mind. "He's at least as aware and with it as Terri Schiavo, who we all know would have been able to cure herself and others through the power of her genius if she hadn't been murdered."

Although Fetus' legal education has been questioned by some, one area where he appears to pass with flying colors is character. "There's no dirt on this guy" says legal reporter Rupert Fenniworth. "Okay, well, some women's groups are upset about several kicks he apparently delivered to the inside of his mother's uterus. They say it shows disrespect towards females and that her perverse pride in his actions is merely a marker of how she's been subverted by the patriarchy, but since women's rights are pretty much dead at this point that shouldn't matter. And do you know how hard it is for them to find a conservative who doesn't at least have a standing charge account with a local dominatrix? Pretty hard."

President Bush is confident that Joe Fetus will make it through the Senate. He points out that since Fetus has never made a decision, judicial or otherwise, the Democrats arguments will have no traction with their constituency. "I expect the Democratic Party to roll over and play dead, like they have throughout my reign. Joe Fetus must be on the SCOTUS, I've already had a dozen tiny black robes tailored for him."

One question has managed to throw Fetus supporters through a loop. Carla May Guggenfeld managed to put it most succinctly. "What if he's gay?"

President Bush's answer was equally terse. "Well then," he said coolly, "I hope someone has the good sense to shoot the activist bastard."
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