July 15th, 2005


Battle of the sexes

Women are a lot like men, only significantly leakier. If you spend a reasonable amount of time with one of them you will learn much about this leakiness, and the various ways they combat it, the most popular of these being the tampon. Despite their protestations it is pretty clear that women love tampons. Many women buy a box of them almost on a monthly basis, and they tend to go on binges using them for 3-5 days straight until they are able to rein in the compulsive behavior. Tampons aren't only addictive vaginal suppositories though, they are also vital weapons in the battle of the sexes.

I think it would be fair to say that the only thing women do with tampons more often than binging with them is leaving them at men's homes. Most people think of this as sort of like a dog pissing on a tree to mark its territory, only significantly crueler. In fact it is much more sinister. Women will resort to a variety of tricks to sneak tampons into your home from "suddenly getting their period" while on the way to your house to baking them into a pie they give to you and exclaiming "Oh, so THAT'S where my tampons went" when you bite into one. They are devious. Once in the home there is no easy way to dispose of tampons, since if you throw them into the trash someone could go through it and uncover them, and their super-absorbency makes them risky to flush if you don't first soak them in blood.

So you're left with a bunch of tampons stashed away in like your medicine cabinet, or under the floorboards, or buried out back in the yard with that sarcastic girl-scout who said you didn't look like you NEEDED another box of thin mints, or wherever you put that sort of thing. And you're cool with it for awhile, but eventually the true nature of the tampon threat will reveal itself. They'll start calling out to you as you fall asleep, invading your thoughts in that space between wakefulness and slumber. And they'll only have one thing to say, but it'll be a doozy of a question. It's the same question asked by a lot of other household objects, from sharpie pens to particularly attractive carrots, and that question is "Why don't you shove me up your ass?"

Now it's not a gay thing. I want to make that clear, it's not a gay thing. Men have been shoving things up their asses in totally heterosexual ways for literally decades. From a nice coffee enema to a prostate stimulating dildo there's a great number of items that can only reach their full utility potential when shoved up your ass. And this fact is what the tampon plays on as it taunts you in your bed. "I'm super absorbent, I could eliminate wet farts." It says. Or it brings up the indignities of nighttime ass sweat and offers to eliminate them at the source with no muss and no fuss.

But no matter how the tampon entreats you you must not stick it up your ass, because to do so would court disaster. What if you had to take a dump and couldn't get it out in time, would it absorb the moisture from the feces leaving you with a dangerously dry fiber cake in your colon? Or what if the string broke? Could you ever get it out? Might it kill you, or, even worse, send you to the emergency room to get it removed. And all the doctors would cluster around and laugh at you and you would forever be known as the guy who shoved the tampon up his ass and couldn't get it out? The dangers are numerous and very real.

This is why men desperately try to avoid letting women leave tampons at their homes. It's not about being afraid of menstruation or intimacy or any of that. It's the very real danger that some day that man may be drunk and alone and may surrender to the desire to stick one up his ass. And this is why women love leaving tampons at men's homes, because who has time to think about other women when you're constantly guarding your ass from a potential superabsorbent invader.

And so the battle of the sexes rages on with no end in sight.

Modern movies suck

I have seen 3 films recently and they really aren't worth discussing in detail but I want to remark on each of them because I think they all have something to say about the problematic state of modern film making.

1) The Punisher:

This was by far the best of the three films and is, in fact, passable entertainment. I expected it to stink up my TV room and was pleasantly surprised when it didn't. It was an above average revenge flick with some watchable action, an okay performance from the lead, and a camera that actually stayed put long enough for you to see what was going on, unlike 90% of action movies since MTV poisoned the well. That being said the movie was plodding, predictable, and poorly scripted. The dialogue was obviously just filler for the action, and there were plenty of cheesy lines. So many action movies do this, start with a mediocre script and try to get by on mayhem and special effects, and it drives me nuts. Scripts matter, and when you build a movie around a bad one you stunt its growth from the beginning. The Punisher could have been a good movie, a really solid one, instead it's just watchable.

2) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

Wow, this film was so much worse than I expected. Comedy is probably my favorite genre when done right, and I was expecting a lot out of this one based on what people said, but it's terrible. Just terrible. There are a few funny bits, especially with Steve Carell's character Brick Tamland, but mostly it's just like bad SNL. One note characters acting like jackasses isn't particularly funny, it's just sort of boring. The film plays like a bad frat party. There are moments when Will Ferrell's on screen with Christina Applegate and neither actor seems to be getting any direction at all so they just read their lines at one another and move on. Not good. Comedy needs to come from somewhere real, especially film comedy. With The Producers Mel Brooks tapped into real desperation and neurosis and sleaze and made it hilarious. Even Old School was based in the reality of male infantilization in our society, and had moments of pathos that made you care about the characters. Anchorman just has guys goofing off. I can see that on any stoop in New York City.

3) Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Dreck, unwatchable incoherent dreck. This is why the horror genre is the bane of good film making, because somewhere out there are a group of RETARDS who actually enjoy watching random stupid images flashed in front of them so long as they involve gore and babes. There's no point criticizing the script, there barely was a script, there barely was direction, this movie is basically a special effects team unleashed. It's not that good horror isn't possible, it's that it's pointless when teens will flock to absolute crap and spend their parents money freely on shit. Kafka wrote horror to illuminate the human soul. Paul Anderson writes horror because if they JUST showed special effects people might complain.