July 19th, 2005


Conservatives everywhere relieved

After spending over a week flirting with the idea of nominating a woman or Hispanic to the highest court in the land President Bush put conservative America at ease today by tapping an anti-choice white man for the position.

"We just felt it was the right thing to do" said White house spokesman Scott McClellan. "Frankly the rich white guy has gotten a pretty lousy shake lately. First all this pressure on Karl Rove for outing a CIA operative who probably only got her job through affirmative action for females (Something John Roberts opposes). Then there's this business with poor Dennis Kozlowski getting his name dragged through the mud yet again just for spending company funds on hiring a midget for his son-in-law's bachelor party. Show me one person who hasn't dipped into the company till to hire a party midget, ONE PERSON. Anyway, it's time for the white man to get his due and we're going to start on the Supreme Court!"

When it was pointed out to McClellan that the white man has done pretty well in America ever since he started giving alcohol and smallpox to the native peoples and importing slave labor from Africa he snorted and then became somewhat defensive, stating that 'the Jews still run Hollywood' and that slavery doesn't count because there aren't any slaves around today and people should just get over it, besides blacks were treated great in the post-slave era, even getting their very own lunch counters and water fountains.

"Also," added McClellan, "It's not just about his race and gender. It's about his standing up for the principles that make America great, namely preferential treatment for that race and gender combination. Whoever decided to give women control over their own reproductive decisions was a certified grade A Jackass, and John Roberts Jr. is going to help us fix his wagon but good. White people have the vast majority of the country's wealth and it's time for us to stop thinking about the fact that centuries of racial injustice and oppression are the reason for this and start accepting it as the way things are. If someone has something he clearly earned it, that's the rule. Don't tamper with the rule. Affirmative action is for pussies who think that the playing field should be level. If there's anyone who knows how awesome a tilted playing field can be it's George W. Bush."

Reactions to the nomination were mixed. "At least he's not a Nazi. I thought for sure they'd nominate a Nazi, you know, just to fuck with us." Said Brian Greenberg of Key West Florida. "Fucking Nazis."

Susan Washington of Atlanta Georgia was less impressed. "Great. So now my pharmacist won't hand out Plan B pills if a condom breaks and I won't be able to get an abortion after Thursday? I guess the culture of life wants to send me to a back alley with a coat hanger and a bottle of whiskey if I'm not ready to become a mother."

McClellan was confronted with the statement and confirmed it. "Susan is basically correct. We would prefer that someone who needs or want an abortion go to some back alley somewhere where she can feel the pain and humiliation of her choice, rather than a safe clean clinic where a licensed physician can care for her. People who make choices different than the ones we feel we would make should be punished for them."

When asked what Mr. Roberts' views on sodomy and torture were McClellan replied that Bush had spoken to him about that and they'd agreed that those things are appropriate only if non-consensual and in a military setting.