July 23rd, 2005


Fun with bigotry

I hate Mexicans.

I hate their tiny soccer playing men, their garishly dressed women, their chupa chup loving children. I hate their neighborhoods where English is as rare as a decent knish. I hate their loud melodious music, and their games of frisbee in the park. I hate the way they take the jobs nobody else wants to do in this country and labor tirelessly at them, hoping to make a better life for themselves and their families. I hate their loving connections to each other, and their sly shy smiles.

Okay, I don't hate Mexicans for those reasons. Instead I hate Mexicans because Mexicans hate me. How do I know Mexicans hate me? Because I eat their food. And when I eat their food they make it very clear to me that they just do not like me. I don't take it personally. It's a gringo thing.

Everyone knows that Mexican food is delicious. It's full of all the majorly delicious food groups like sour cream and refried...anything. But the Mexicans have a poison pill they like to include in their delectable treats. A little something I like to call...the chili pepper.

Now some of you may be reacting with disgust that I would impugn anything so noble as the chili pepper. "Just you hold on, mister" you say, because you are still quite respectful of my advanced age even when you disagree with me. "I like Jalapeno peppers. They add delicious zest to a tasty meal. How dare, I said how DARE you levy accusations against them. Fie. FIE. Fie on you. Mister. Fie on you."

Let me assure you that I have no issue with the Jalapeno pepper. It does indeed add a zesty spice to an otherwise bland meal. I am also not a 98 pound weakling when it comes to spicy food. I dare say I have a pretty strong palate for a white guy. Tobasco sauce doesn't bother me, and I don't have to ask Indian restaurants to tone down the power of their curry.

On the other hand...well...these fucking Mexicans. These fucking Mexicans aren't content to use Jalapeno peppers in their food. No. They aren't content to kick it up just one notch either. They don't use the jalapeno pepper's slightly stronger cousin. These fucking Mexicans jump all the way to the king of the chili pepper and put THAT shit in my food. I like to call it the big swinging dick pepper.

Now the big swinging dick pepper comes in many shapes and forms, but it never looks particularly assuming. As the only FDA approved food source that consists of over 40% pure plutonium you'd expect it to glow in the dark, but it does not. It just sits there. It sits there looking all green and fresh and delicious. Almost like a bell pepper that you could just pick up with your hands and munch on contentedly. Do not be fooled. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by these fucking Mexicans.

When you place a BSD pepper into your mouth you do not taste the relaxing fresh flavor of a bell or other friendly pepper. Instead you experience a sharp bitter taste followed by an explosion of burning pain the likes of which you have never before experienced. It is like a white hot supernova party in your mouth and every star in the known universe is invited. It doesn't just burn, it burns like a motherfucker. And even though you want to drink water or soda you know you shouldn't, because it won't help. It just kicks up the hurt.

So you sit there in pain, tears running from your eyes and snot from your nose, cursing those fucking Mexicans and their BSD peppers until finally the pain starts to subside and your traumatized taste buds start to remember what it is not to feel only the agonizing burning of certain death. That's what makes the next bite so much MORE painful, the memory of your recovery. And as you put the second piece of BSD pepper into your mouth you can only curse these fucking Mexicans and their wily ways. Because they know you will take that second bite. You will refuse to surrender and throw away the rest of the BSD just to spite them, and they know that you will regret that the moment the burning starts again, a wildfire sweeping through your mouth and leaving only ash in its wake. These fucking Mexicans have you coming and going. If you refuse to eat the BSD or ask them not to put it in your food you look weak and wussy. If you suck it up and swallow the deadly fruit you will be struck by unbearable pain and your shit will burn for at least a week. These fucking Mexicans don't mess around.

Of course the Mexicans don't put BSD peppers in their own food. Oh they CLAIM they do, but you know that food going to a non-gringo gets something like a Jalapeno or even a milder variety of chili. So these fucking Mexicans can look at you with their smug faces as they wolf down a plate of fajitas like it was nothing, like there wasn't a red-hot poker being shoved down their throat with each swallow, because there's not.

Why do they do it? Who knows. Maybe it's part of a plan to take back America. Maybe it's revenge for unjust immigration laws. Maybe it's just because these fucking Mexicans don't like the cut of your jib, but whatever it is it engenders nothing but hatred in me. Because I know that the rest of the meal is so good that come next week I will order it again, and that once again I will be brought low by the BSD peppers and their sole distributors...these fucking Mexicans.

Solutions to believe in

New York City, New York, July 23 2005

After the recent acts of terrorism against the London Underground subway systems around the United States have raised their levels of security, none to a greater extent than the nation's largest system in New York City. New York has enacted a controversial random bag search program at several stations that critics call both ineffective and overly invasive. While the city tries to adjust the program in response to criticisms there is one man who suggests that it be scrapped altogether and replaced with a program of his own devising. That man is Francis P. Huffries and he has a plan to "Keep the Big Apple from getting waxed."

Mr. Huffries does not live in New York City, and in fact has never been there, but he is quite certain that his plan would be effective. A resident of Cooley County Missouri Francis Huffries (Franny to his friends) is the CEO of His Infallible Protection Plan Industries, or HIPPI for short. The company operates out of one half of the unattached garage beside his suburban bungalow and currently has no customers, but Huffries is certain that it is up to the task of saving the city from future disaster. "There is no doubt in my mind that if New York properly implements my plan it will be provided with 100% certain protection from any future terrorist disasters. If so much as a firecracker goes off in the subway system I will not only refund the purchase price of the plan, I will personally pay for any necessary repairs." This may seem like a tall order for a man whose net worth is estimated at approximately $15,087 depending on how you evaluate his rare bottle cap collection, but Huffries insists that the plan is so perfect that getting insurance should be a cinch.

When asked for the specifics of his plan Huffries refuses to go into much detail because he says he wants to protect his trade secrets. He will, however, part with a few select concepts around which the plan revolves. "Basically" says Huffries, "It's foolproof. Most anti-terrorism plans seek to stop bombers with police presence or trained dogs or bomb detecting machines or the like. That's ridiculous, any dedicated suicide bomber could find a way past those things without so much as raising a sweat. Heck I could smuggle a pound of plutonium and a pretty good detonator into the New York Subway system tomorrow without so much as a chance of being caught. I wouldn't, I would not do that, but I could. Easy. I have the plutonium. I mean I don't have it but I could get it. But I wouldn't."

Huffries continues. "Anyway, my plan doesn't rely on computers or sensors or any of that. Instead it relies on the one thing that's been scientifically proved infallible in these matters, and that is God. You know, Jesus Christ." Huffries continues, "God decides who lives or dies and he is the only thing out there that can keep terrorists from killing any more people. The HIPPI plan for New York is entirely faith based, and it revolves around a few simple ideas that any municipality could implement, things like school prayer and expelling all the Jews."

When asked about the constitutionality of his product Huffries bristles. "Constitutionality. Constitution schmonstitution. This is about safety for all Americans. Except the Jews. It's about saving lives. How can it be unconstitutional to save lives? The plan is foolproof and has already had test runs in big cities like Topeka and Madison Wisconsin, neither of which have experienced a terrorist attack since 9/11 even though not all the Jews have been removed from their borders. In fact I spent about 18 months on a diet of nothing but Wisconsin cheese because I know that's one point in the food chain where the terrorists would find any contamination efforts quickly foiled." Huffries concedes that he was forced to start eating other things after his wife threatened to expel him from the house over issues of flatulence, but hastens to add that he still thinks cheese is the safest. When contacted for the purposes of this story both Madison Wisconsin and Topeka Kansas denied any connection to Huffries, with the Madison mayor's office going so far as to state on the record that "We love Jews. Even the ones with the stupid hats."

Huffries shrugs at the denials, stating that he had both cities sign non-disclosure agreements, and that it's all just part of the plan. "Look, a city like Topeka has enough good Christians that it can tolerate some Jews without suffering terrorism, but with a place like New York where there's so much sin...it's a different story." He says. He remains optimistic that New York will purchase and implement his plan, which he is offering for "Something in the high six to low seven figures. It's negotiable." Meanwhile Huffries spends his days working as assistant to the town dogcatcher and his nights working on his next big project, which he says is a modification of his faith-based humvee armor system, which he claims has already seen extensive use during the war in Iraq. "I think I might add some physical element to the plan, you know, just in case some of the soldiers don't believe hard enough."

When reached for comment about this story Mayor Michael Bloomberg's office said that it would consider all anti-terrorist proposals on their merits, even those by anti-semetic crackpots.