July 28th, 2005

Dance For Mazzie

Secrets of the military establishment

Yesterday an anonymous source (It's oralaki) contacted me with news of a story so big it might just blow the Bush administration right out of the water. In fact if you believe your computer or Internet use may be monitored you should probably stop reading right now, because there's going to be a lot of subpoenas on this one. This is a story that gets right to the heart of the American experience. It's a scandal that involves immoral behavior at the highest echelons of power, a conspiracy so vast it is almost unimaginable, and the real reason why 1700 American soldiers are dead. So let me get to it. According to documentation discovered by this source (oralaki):

The war on Iraq is part and parcel of the gay agenda.

I'll give you a moment to lift your jaw off the floor.

Yes, while pundits have been arguing and slinging mud over whether the impetus behind the war was WMDs, Oil, or Democracy the truth has slipped between everyone's fingers. It was not about any of those things, it was about homosexuality. Details are sketchy at this point as to who knew what when, but it has become startlingly clear that due to the Clinton administration's devastating "Don't ask don't tell" policy the military has become a prime depository of homosexuals and homosexual sympathizers. This hidden cabal worked hard to stay out of sight, even perpetrating multiple sexual assaults against female cadets at various service academies just to HIDE the hot homosexual action. The Frilly Fighters managed to ensconce themselves in positions of power, pushing out heterosexual commanders like Colin Powell to be replaced with faggoty fellows like Maj. Gen. William Webster Jr. (Porn name "Big Willie" Webster) and generally gaying up the armed forces.

But the world's first 80% homosexual fighting force still needed to prove itself on the battlefield before revealing the truth, and thus was born the war on Iraq (Afghanistan doesn't count because nobody gave a fuck). How did they manipulate the government into sending them off to fight with their big long guns and powerful machines? Easy. George "Slam Dunk" Tenent's drag name is Wanda Touchyah, and he performs every night at Big Al's Cabaret in Carson City.

Once over in Iraq it became incredibly easy for the military to unleash its gay agenda far from the prying eyes of decent moral folk like disgraced former televangelist Jim Baker. They invited gay journalists like Geraldo "The 'Stash" Rivera up to "In Bed" with them, and limited access to non-authorized information. For example did you know the reason that photographs of the coffins of American casualties are no longer allowed is because the military doesn't want people to see the new chiffon trim that's been added to the flags that drape them? Also true is that the reason the Iraqi IEDs have been so effective against American military installations is that they use Gaydar guidance systems. These are the sorts of things that have been hidden from the public.

As more and more servicemen are sent to Iraq and gayified we are faced with the likelihood of an all-gay army. Not just mostly gay, not just majority friends of Dorothy, but a 100% butch homosexual fighting force. Once the gay agenda accomplishes this there will be no fighting it. The entire world will fall to the gayification process. This is why so many reserve units have been sent over. This is why "stop loss" policies have been used so extensively, so straight men wouldn't return to their wives before their gayification had been complete. This is why the foxhole has been re termed the 'glory hole' and the purple heart will soon be replaced with the pink carnation.

America is under attack like never before, and our enemies are the ones holding our American guns. In military bases all over this country Toby Keith is being phased out for Mariah Carey. camoflage paint is being replaced with flesh-toned foundation. The gayification process is ongoing and we're powerless to stop it.

The fact of the matter is that the gay agenda has clearly grabbed hold of most of our nation's sources of power, from the media (Hello Will & Grace? More like Satan & The Redhead!) to these "gay friendly" corporations, to the oval office where George Bush cavorts with a drag queen named Condoleeza. Once it has the army...well...

Bend over and spread wide because as they say to recruits "Your ass is theirs."

This is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for shooting, this is for homosexual conquest.
pod

Ladykillers

The Coen Brothers remake of The Ladykillers is a fascinating film, because it manages to be both fascinatingly original and seriously lacking in entertainment value, to the point where I ended up feeling both excited about all the unusual choices they made in producing the film and disappointed in the way that just about every one of those choices played out.

It wouldn't be fair to say I'm a big Coen brothers fan. Instead I am a great admirer of their best films. Fargo, The Big Lebowski, and O Brother Where Art Thou were all among the best films of their respective years, with Fargo being a true masterpiece and the other two films being arguable. Their other movies have included some relatively entertaining but unpolished films (Specifically Raising Arizona and The Man Who Wasn't There), a Hollywood film that never reached its potential (Intolerable Cruelty) and some stuff that just wasn't very good (Hudsucker Proxy.) The Ladykillers falls into the latter category, but with an experimental spirit I couldn't help but root for.

Yet despite rooting for the film I was disappointed. There was a lot to like about it, specifically the sets and sense of place it managed, but they couldn't overcome the fundamental flaws. The main problem was the characters. They were each at least somewhat original, but they were also caricatures and none felt authentic except for a Vietnamese general who probably has about 5 lines in the entire film and wears a charming Chaplainesque mustache.

Tom Hanks and Irma P. Hall are the ostensible stars of the film, and while both do credible jobs as actors their characters are just as sketched out as the rest. Mrs. Munson seems at first to be a dimwitted old lady, which in fact is what she is. During the climactic part of the film where the crooks try to off her she doesn't overcome them through anything resembling wit or toughness. She just gets lucky (or is delivered by the grace of god. There's a religious theme to the film, which wouldn't be so bad if it didn't seem to endorse Bob Jones university in a manner that's just barely ironic.) Meanwhile Hanks' character is an over the top charlatan snake oil salesman who is neither as clever or as dim as he seems. The rest of the characters follow suit. The plot is simple and straightforward with few twists that are not blindingly obvious, and there are racist tinges at the edges that make you vaguely uncomfortable.

What we are left with, then, is a movie that is unconventional in all the wrong ways. It is darkly irreverent for no apparent reason, boldly obvious when it should be at least a little bit tricky, and without any sort of core. It is not a plot piece, not a funny comedy, not a character film, the only thing it has going for it is its lovely set direction and sense of place, which is undermined by the fact that there are only 4 major locations in the entire film and a large proportion of the time is spent in a single living room and a root cellar. The Ladykillers is an example of what happens when a director tries to impose his unique vision and spin upon a movie with no there there. He ends up just spinning his wheels while the audience is left confused and thinking "Hmm...with a little more substance that could have been a pretty good flick." But there is no more substance, so it isn't.