August 29th, 2005

Short hair suspicion

Save the dogs, write in a blog

somerled recently IMed me to proclaim the internet a silly waste of time. He has grown tired of the childish level of many discussions, the Wikipedia entries about stupid kids doing stupid things, the fact that to become famous on the internet one need not be talented or hard working, merely an exhibitionist and lucky. He makes some valid points, the Internet is not used particularly responsibly and there are a lot of inappropriate shenanigans going on in cyberspace. You might even have another browser window open to one of them as you read this. Nevertheless the Internet does serve an essential function, the one it was created and is best suited for. No not scientific research. Not high speed business communication. The thing the Internet is best at, the thing that it is needed for, is preventing interspecies relationships between men and dogs.

It has long been an axiom that dogs are man's best friend, so it should have surprised nobody when man fell for dog. Fell for it hard. Those big puppy eyes, those wet slobbery kisses, it was an irresistible attraction from day one. Unlike woman, dog doesn't even attempt to hide his sexuality, walking around naked, genitals out for anyone to see. For centuries man resisted the siren's call of this provocative sight. Indeed the history of mankind is the history of a species wrestling desperately with its strong desire to have sex with dogs and inventing everything from renaissance poetry to war to disco in an attempt to sublimate. When these attempts have faltered the results have been the disasters of history. The Black Plague. The Holocaust. The closing of Studio 54. All caused by an outbrake of man-dog lovin'. Most of these breakdowns were short lived and the majority of human history has been relatively clean of this kind of interspecies filth.

However, as the 20th century wore on and sexual mores were lifted it became more and more inevitable that men would not be able to resist much longer. As a species we were poised on the brink of disaster, with men prepared to defect from their wives in droves to pursue exclusive relationships with their canine companions.

As should be obvious this did not happen, but it was not man's change of heart that kept disaster at bay, it was the internet. Created by someone other than Al Gore, the Internet was designed to distract man from the pull of Fido's fuckstick and towards the safe irradiating glow of their computer monitors. It has done this remarkably well. Men who would be fucking dogs all over the place are safely at home or at work, seated in front of their terminals and laughing at the antics on Oh Florida, will you never cease to provide humorous news stories of your residents' foolishness? I hope not. What hard labor had done in the 1800's and movies and TV for most of the twentieth century the Internet now does instead. The nuclear family was saved from meltdown. Women continued to be relevant to modern life outside the workplace. Dogs had to be satisfied with humping their owners property and legs, instead of the bedroom intimacy they so desperately craved and came within a hair's breadth of getting.

Yet we must remain ever vigilant. Like a shark, if the anti dog-man-sex forces were to stop moving, they would die. Thankfully they do not stop moving. Instead they continue to move. Forwards. Like they should.

Valiant politicians like Rick Santorum continue to fight the danger of man on dog sex and the cataclysmic results it would bring. Programmers continue to create applications like blogs and Massively Multiplayer games to enhance the Internet's distraction capability. Pornographers continue to push the aesthetically unpleasing sight of human on human sexuality as attractive and normal. As for my part, well I am writing this, and I intend to keep putting my text on the internet like a modern day Rosie the Riveter (only with a keyboard rather than a rivet gun) doing my part to keep Homo Sapiens from getting frisky with their canine counterparts.

So shine on sweet Internet, keep up your idiotic ways. Keep distracting the young people from their true desires, and keep crusty old perves glued to sites about 18 year old Latinas and the Redheaded Lesbians who love them, so they can overcome their need to get testicle deep in labrador anus.

A silly waste of time? No my friends. The Internet is the only thing standing between us and something far worse than anarchy. Long may it continue to stand.
Masa of the force

That's our government

I love our government. According to an article on National Guardsmen were stationed at the Superdome to make sure nobody brought in guns, knives, or drugs. Now guns and knives makes perfect sense. It's a stressful enclosed environment, tempers will flare, you don't want anyone getting shot or stabbed. Certain drugs might also be a problem. Cocaine makes you hyper and paranoid. Angel Dust can give people such a high that getting shot won't stop them. Those might not be safe to have around either.

But who brings PCP to a hurricane shelter?

I also wonder whether the recent changes in airport security were implemented and people were allowed to bring bow and arrow sets or throwing stars. "Sir the throwing stars can go in, but you're going to have to give me the Chronic. You can take in your bow and enough arrows to kill everyone, but the hydroponic shit cannot come inside."

No what the national guardsmen are really searching for is pot. Marijuana. If there's one drug that SHOULD be allowed in a hurricane shelter it's pot. Mellows you out, helps you pass the time, makes the ceiling a hell of a lot more interesting than it is sober. Why in the middle of a hurricane the national guard should be worried that someone is going to light up a doobie is beyond me. Are they scared that the munchies will deplete food stores? Maybe they just don't want to see anyone else having a good time while they stand around in their uniforms waiting for the hurricane to end so they can go to Iraq. It's time for the government to take a step back and realize that drugs really aren't that big a deal in most circumstances. Crack didn't cause violence because it was crack, it caused violence because it was illegal. Snort that and get back to me.

Speaking of government, by the way, George Bush's address about the hurricane must have been the single worst speech ever given by a U.S. president. He mumbled something indistinct about how the federal government has resources to assist people after the hurricane and to listen to local authorities, and then started talking about immigration. No "We will ride this storm out and rebuild." No confidence boosting specifics of what's being mobilized. Just a "Yeah you guys are having a bad time, we'll help you after it's over, now let's talk about the real threat. Mexicans. Filthy Mexicans. Mexicans will take your job faster than a hurricane can, I tell you what. Don't talk to me about our oil production crisis, there's Mexicans coming over the fences right as we speak. MEXICANS GOD DAMN IT. MEXICANS."

How anyone can say this guy is a leader with a straight face is a question I can't answer.
  • Current Music
    Do you know the way to San Jose?
  • Tags