September 22nd, 2005

A hairy situation

Peace in our time!

There is no homosexual agenda. Gay people just want to be happy and have sex and have terrible taste in television shows. In other words they are like the rest of us, except that bad hair days make them cry.

Every time I see someone use the term gay agenda it makes my head spin around like Linda Blair from the exorcist, and I spit pea soup. I once asked a gay person what his agenda was. He said "Shoe shopping, followed by a nice dinner cooked by my boyfriend and hot anal sex with the underage children of fundamentalists" but I'm pretty sure he was kidding about the last part.

Gay Agenda is a term used to demonize people who want special treatment for gays. Treatment such as being able to marry, like everyone else, adopt children, like everyone else, join the army, like everyone else, or go to school dances with their boyfriends, like everybody else. The Maupin quote basically says "Live and enjoy your life and try to ignore the assholes who want to make you ashamed of who you are." If this is an offensive idea then what's NOT an offensive idea? Only things that condemn homosexuality? Only things that condemn people for who they are and promote shame, self-loathing, and fruitless efforts to change?

There has to be some sort of truce worked out between the homos and the religious wackos. I mean this shit really can't continue in 21st century America, can it? It's time for a group to step in and broker peace in the "Culture war" once and for all. Not like an Israel Palestinian peace where they stop killing one another briefly and then get right back into it with renewed vigor but a real peace. The kind of peace you see between Sweden and Switzerland. The kind of peace where people go "Oh, yeah, them...they're kinda bland but they have wonderful social services." Only one group is capable of creating that sort of peace between these two adversaries, and that group is known by the acronym NTTAWWT. That's right. The "Not That There's Anything Wrong With That"s.

The Not That There's Anything Wrong With Thats are a group of straight men who accept homosexuals for who they are, but aren't fully comfortable with the whole anal sex thing. We may have gay friends, admire gay artists, and even spend time in gay neighborhoods. But we don't cotton to gay anal sex. That's a big no-no. We're fine with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but we're already planning on a disease to come down with for the release date of Brokeback Mountain so we don't have to take our girlfriends (And we think Jake Gyllenhaal is totally gay for taking that role.)

If the NTTAWWTs had our way this society would embrace gay Americans with open arms. "Feel free to say it loud and proud. Wear whatever you want, speak in lispy voices or deep bear rumbles, march in parades, whatever. We won't stop you. Just don't have anal sex around us. That's all we ask. Keep that behind closed doors. Closed doors and opaque windows. Know what, you should probably draw the curtains. Yeah. Thanks. And if you're going to be loud could you put on some music? Maybe some Depeche Mode, whatever you guys are into these days, no big deal. Just dampen the grunting." As for gay marriage? We're not sure why you'd want to, but knock yourselves out. We'd just add a little something to the vows. "Love, honor, obey, and talk about anal sex quietly if we're in public." Heck it's not like you're going to be having a lot of sex after you're married. Trust on this.

I think that the NTTAWWTs could forge a truce between the religious crazies and the homos. The crazies claim that they're offended by homosexual behavior because it goes against the bible and it leads to all sorts of social ills (Primarily skyrocketing shoe prices) but the truth is they just don't want to see that dude on dude loving. They don't want to think about it. So if the gays promise to be quiet about it, and the fact that they're having enough oral sex to drive every guy south of the Mason Dixon line wild with jealousy, we might just all get along. Look at Will And Grace. You know those gay dudes aren't doing it from behind, they're way too self-involved to let their lovers take their eyes off their faces (And now one of you gay guys is going to pipe up with something about mirror placement and that's EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING WE'RE TRYING TO AVOID.) It's safe and nobody really minds. Live and let live. Love and let love, just keep quiet about it.

Finally there's the matter of Lesbians. You're probably wondering what the NTTAWWTs think about Lesbians going at it hot and heavy in public, making a spectacle as they grope each other's breasts and run their hands down one another's pants. We have an opinion on that too, and we're with the religious guys here. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Nothing at all. That, that's just natural. Very natural. Go ahead. No complaints. Even when it's a non-traditional couple expressions of love are a beautiful thing.

Just as long as there's no feces involved.

Roberts confirmed

John Roberts has just been confirmed as Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. When asked what he was going to do next Roberts declined the formula answer of "I'm going to Judiciary Land!" (A close neighbor and infinitely less popular ripoff of Disneyland) and instead announced that he was going to share some of the answers he'd refused to give during the hearings.

He then made the following statements:

"First things first I'm getting rid of Roe vs Wade, not because I'm particularly against abortion but because I love coat hangers."

"The first amendment will no longer apply to the music of Britney Spears? Why? 'Cuz I said so, bitch. Xtina 4 ever!"

"The second amendment will be strictly enforced for Republicans. Gun control now applies SOLELY to registered democrats, and they can't even have squirt guns. In fact they can't even make that thumb-forefinger firearm. Verbotten."

"Thanks to an heretofore undisclosed penumbra in the Eighth amendment nobody will ever again have to fight for their right to PARTY."

"Parachute pants are henceforth unconstitutional. That goes double for feathered hair. Don't push it with the naval rings and lower back tattoos either. I've got my eye on them."

"Gay Marriage will be ruled unconstitutional, which means that Justice Scalia will not be able to make an honest man out of Clarence Thomas. Sometimes you have to follow the constitution no matter how much it hurts."

"In the case of 'This sammich' vs 'Mah Belly' I fully intend to find in favor of the defendant."

"The FCC will be required to blot out all images of Star Jones with a Beyonce Knowles shaped censorship dot. Bootylicious."

"In order for Scientology to be covered under the first amendment congress will have to amend the amendment with 'even straight up goofy ones.'"

"I will ask President Bush to make December 16 a holiday so we can all mourn the passing of Lee Van Cleef. It will be called "Lee Van Cleef appreciation day." In exchange for this I will rule that the 22nd amendment doesn't apply to him because we all know Cheney's really in charge."

"The Fourteenth Amendment means that I must rule affirmative action illegal, but it is my sincere hope that this ruling will not keep me from getting a taste of Brown Sugar during the remainder of my term."

"I'm not gay. I do enjoy occasional sex with men in filthy public restrooms, but who doesn't?"

Hurricane Whatisname

I can't be the only one who thinks that Rita is a lousy name for a hurricane. Katrina could be the name of an icy Eastern European bitch, the type who'd hack your heart out and spit in the hole, but Rita? Rita's the mom who always brings cheap lemonade to soccer practice. Rita's a skinny comedienne with some ability but nothing earth shattering. Rita's a business owner or professional with impeccable credentials. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the Ritas of the world. There are intelligent Ritas, competent Ritas, beautiful Ritas, a whole variety of great Ritas out there to be discovered. Not scary Ritas though. Rita's not an intimidating name. It's not a name that makes your blood run cold or your skin crawl. It's not the right name for a 150 MPH winded Hurricane about to rip through Texas like a nuclear bomb.

Now Renee, there's a deadly Hurricane if I ever heard one. Renees are nasty, bitter, and French. Just the sort of people who would send the residents of Texas running for the nearest border. The kind of bitches who will tear a state to shreds and then glide away leaving everyone else to clean up after them. I propose that this hurricane be renamed Renee, or something else at least mildly intimidating.

The fact of the matter is that hurricane naming has a profound effect on how many people evacuate and how many stay. I think that we should start naming hurricanes in accordance to their power, leaving the sinister names for the category 5s and 4s, and 'soft' names like Rita for the tropical storms. What manly man is going to flee Hurricane Rita? You might as well call it Hurricane Cecil, or Hurricane Fauntleroy. In fact I think we can do away with the alphabetical order and gender rules altogether and just go with what sounds nastiest.

So a tropical storm would be Rita or Pete.

A class 3 might be a Charlotte or a Manny.

And a class 5 hurricane? Maximum destruction? Untold of catastrophe? We could call that a George, a Dick, or a Condoleeza.

I know I'd be scared.