September 28th, 2005


Babies are people too. No, NOT REALLY.

A hospital in England has banned cooing at babies. This is in part for the reasonable claim that such cooing exposes the children for germs their young immune systems may not be ready for, and partially because of the absurd statement that cooing violates their human rights.

Tell you what, if you want human rights you have to stop being shocked every fucking time you figure out that that weird lump of flesh attached to your leg is, in fact, your foot. You're going to need a skill set beyond "Drink out of a woman's nipple, burp, throw up, pee, cry." You're going to have to learn that just because someone puts their face behind their hands doesn't mean they've vanished into the ether. SHE'S RIGHT THERE, MORON. She just covered her face. IDIOT!

Anyway if they're going to go ahead with the absurd claim that cooing at babies violates their human rights I'm going to list a few more practices we should probably take a look at:

1) Breastfeeding: It's sexual abuse of the worst sort to require a baby to subsist purely on the bodily fluids of another person. Bad enough that they are subjected to this indignity in the womb, how much worse once they are out in the atmosphere we are rapidly destroying through industrial emissions? What if the baby is a vegan? Did you ever think of that. You might have a vegan baby and be VIOLATING ITS BELIEFS. For shame.

2) Burping: Maybe the baby doesn't want to burp. You can't just whack someone in the back when you think they have gas. Inappropriate.

3) Putting in a crib: Two words: Unlawful incarceration.

4) Strollers: Three more words: Rolling death trap.

5) Aunts and grandmothers: Most suspects in unlawful face pinchings are aunts or grandmothers. Most face pinchings go unsolved. Just say no to this criminal element.

6) Enforced chastity: Babies are people too, and people love sex. Therefore it stands to reason that babies probably have sex. Are babies allowed sex? No. They just get their toesies tugged at and kisses on the forehead. The closest a baby comes to orgasm is when it's being changed, and there is rarely foreplay. Sex for babies. It's just the right time.

7) Schooling: You assume just because someone's young they can't read? You assume they want to? You think you know what's best for them? Right, sure, whatever. You know once upon a time there was another guy who thought he knew what was best for everyone. You may have heard of him, "Mom." His name was ADOLPH HITLER.

8) The itsy bitsy spider: There are lies, damned lies, and Itsy Bitsy Spider lies. This disinformation has gone on too long. There is no spider, there never was a waterspout, and damn it the spider wouldn't have been dumb enough to be caught out in the rain. Do you think spiders don't know about high pressure systems?

Meanwhile, since we're now treating babies as autonomous citizens here are a few things I think we should require of them:

1) No more crying: It's unseemly and we don't like it. Making mom feel guilty violates HER human rights. Yeah she may be a mother, but she has rights.

2) Go to the bathroom like a PERSON, not some tiny midget with Crohn's disease. You know what I'm talking about.

3) Never, EVER, EVER, have Kevin Federline as your father. This one's rather specific but CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT.

4) Stop whining when muppets take a little nosh off the top of your head. It's not like you were using it anyway. SHE'S BEHIND HER OWN HAND. This couldn't be more obvious.
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