November 1st, 2005

pod

From the why did they break up department

Kenny Chesney has compared breaking up with Renee Zellweger to having a bigscreen television stolen.

With that kind of fierce romanticism it's a wonder that they ever parted. Nothing says romantic AND heterosexual like comparing a woman to a bigscreen television during "The Big Game*" In order to show just how romantic he is Chesney has released his wedding vows for public scrutiny. They follow.

"I Kenneth Chesney, country music star, who happens to have an album coming out soon but would rather not use this sacred time to promote "The Road and the Radio" in stores November 8th, do hereby swear to love, honor, and occasionally have sex with Renee Zellweger. I promise to treat her like a prized foosball table, or perhaps the head of an elk that I shot on one of my numerous hunting trips into the backwoods alone with other men. I promise to always appear to be interested in her in public, even when a really cute guy walks by, and to never let any indiscretions occur where the tabloid press could get hold of them. Most of all I just want to say that of all the furnishings and fixtures that will go into our new home, Renee, you are by far the most expensive."

How did this love go wrong? The world may never know.

*Confidential to the gays: As a sports fan I don't know any other sports fan who has ever referred to a game as "The Big Game." If you want to be Joe Sixpack try something like "During the Superbowl," "During a Miami/FSU game," or "While the food network is running a whole day on fondue!"
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