December 21st, 2005


(no subject)

Today I woke up to the taste of bile in my mouth. I then proceeded to the bathroom where I attempted to puke my guts out into the toilet. I say attempted because every time I began to heave the back of my throat would clench up, causing me to cough, thereby shutting down my esophagus and keeping the vomit inside. I could feel it trying to escape as I coughed furiously into the toilet. This went on for about three minutes, with only a few drips of bile coming out. As it was happening only two thoughts were running through my head. 1) I hope that I don't rupture something and die from this. 2) I don't have to go to work today!

Yes, it can be that bad. It's not the work so much, or the people, as the time. The more I do it the more I realize what it's like to have your life not be your own. To have to scrounge for a few spare minutes to read or surf the web or even just get some sleep. It's incredibly unpleasant and in terms of creativity I can't imagine anything more prohibitive. Inspiration is great, but it only amounts to something if you add the perspiration it takes to get it down, and you can't do that if you're spending less than 8 hours a night doing anything other than working or commuting.

I have a break now, and that's good, but I really don't want to go back in January. I probably will, just for the sake of resume continuity, and because it's expected, but 5 more weeks of this may be more than I should handle. I've talked to a lot of people who've worked these jobs extensively and most of them either hate it or have been co-opted to some extent by the power structure. That's another thing I can't stand. My desire to do what I should be doing is pulled in two different directions by what is demanded of me and by what a reasonable person would do. It's an interesting set of dilemmas, but not one I enjoy.

Right now I'm tired and tomorrow is my birthday. I will give myself the gift of sleep. I have about 10 days to figure out what I want to do and how I want to do it. I'm surviving. I will continue to survive. The rest is sort of up in the air at the moment.