February 2nd, 2006


The perfect News Story

My friends we have finally uncovered the perfect news story. One that contains just about everything one could want in salacious non-journalism


That's right, someone has finally managed to combine the cuteness of puppies with the moral outrage of drug trafficking. It's alive. IT'S ALIVE!

That means that from now on the righteous will be able to scream at those who dare chemically enhance their consciousnesses "OH MY GOD, You're KILLING THE PUPPIES!"

I expect pictures like this to make appearances in "Fair and Balanced" newspapers all over the country:

The federal drug website has already altered it's poll for people who admit to having experimented with marijuana:

Poll #665029 Why do you do drugs?

Why do you do drugs?

Because I don't respect or love myself
Because everyone else is doing it
Because I am, at heart, a bad person
Because I hate puppies. Fuck you puppies, Fuck you puppies, I hope you all die!
I don't, I love Jesus. America exists purely for people like me.

Liberty and outrage for all.

Personally I think that using puppies to smuggle drugs is a swell idea. Why not? In fact I predict it will become a fad. Celebrities will want only the purest cocaine smuggled in via the most adorable of puppies to grace their noses. There will be drug to dog matching. Heroin comes in pugs, cocaine in chihuahuas, PCP in pit bulls. This could open up a whole new industry!

Besides, it's time someone put those puppies to work!