February 20th, 2006


Fucking deaf people

Now deaf people as a group generally don't get a lot of flack. We feel sorry for them because they can't hear music or the sound of a lover whispering their name or a truck's horn as it barrels towards them on a highway. Well those fuckers have been milking this pity for way too long. They can't hear. Boo fricking hoo. How bad is that, really? Not to be able to hear elevator music, or tinny rap through some punk kid's earphones on the subway, or the braying of American Idol 'singers.' How many times have you been at a party or something and had some jackass yapping at you while you wished you could just shut it out and go back to thinking about that girl who's clearly not wearing a bra under her shirt?

So let's not feel so sorry for those deaf bastards. They're sitting pretty in a lot of ways.

But what have the deaf ever done to us? That's your next question, because you're a bleeding heart fuckface who loves all of god's creatures no matter how pathetic and weak. Like puppies. Puppies start out life as blind little rat-like creatures, but you love them anyway. Assholes.

Let me answer you.

This evening I was watching a movie, a Canadian film entitled "The Barbarian Invasions." I was enjoying myself watching these Canadians prance about like a bunch of over the hill homosexuals and reading the French subtitles when something horrible happened. One of the characters spoke in English, and even though I speak English the lines were subtitled, unnecessarily obscuring up to 8% of the screen for no apparent reason. Naturally I was outraged. At first I thought it was just what those Canadian fuckers do, subtitle everything for shits and giggles. Then I remembered an American movie I'd seen that did the same thing and I realized what was really at play.

It's a vast Deaf conspiracy to make decent hearing people see unneeded subtitles just so they can enjoy a foreign film too. Selfish motherfuckers, we already gave you closed captioning, but you want subtitles too? What's wrong with you? Why so greedy? You're almost as bad as the gays.

I say that if the deaf want subtitles on English language programming they have to give us something in return. Like teach us the secrets of their X-ray vision so we can see beneath ladies' undergarments. Otherwise they're just one more special interest group looking for a handout and they should get the same treatment we give the rest of them these days. A punch in the nose and a boot out the door.


Pay no attention to...anything.

By now everybody's heard about how a UAE backed company is taking over security for American ports. This is, of course, a spectacularly bad idea. Not only are there some (relatively minor, as these things go) links between UAE and terrorists of various stripes, but our ports are among our most vulnerable areas when it comes to terrorism. With less than 5% of incoming cargo containers actually inspected the chances of an enemy group sneaking in a nuclear bomb, or even just a bunch of normal non-nuclear weapons, is pretty damned high. Add in a security team that might have sympathies with the enemies and you have a recipe for disaster so potent it should make its way into "The Joy of Cooking: Fucking up America" edition. George W. Bush is, of course, a frequent contributor to that valued tome.

There's something incredibly depressing about just how horrible this administration is. I don't know whether they actively hate America, or they're just for sale, but they make it obvious that when it comes to smart governance they just don't give a fuck. Securing our ports should be pretty high on the "Homeland security" list. Higher than invading Iraq at least. Of course Haliburton makes more money selling dirty water to soldiers, so Iraq has that going for it.

If you made a Venn diagram of people who believe George W. Bush is protecting this country and people who think Benny Hinn can cure paralysis on live TV I'd bet the two groups would be virtually identical. How dumb do you have to be to buy this line of bullshit. It'd be one thing if the Republicans weren't running on a paranoid "The terrorists are everywhere, America is under attack" platform, but they are. Given that how can you trust a foreign power to run our ports. Oh they're our friends? Just like Saudi "We fund terrorism with your gas money, tee-hee" Arabia?

I'm going to be putting whatever money I can into the stock of the Kool-Aid company, because someone out there sure is drinking a shitload of the stuff.
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Because Britney Spears is KNOWN for good judgment.

"But they've already said so much s--t about me it can't get worse. 'He hates his children, he treats his wife like dirt, he gets high all day.' If I was that bad, you think anyone, let alone Britney, would put up with it?"

That's right, K-Fed, even if the average woman would put up with your bad ways surely BRITNEY wouldn't. I mean she's BRITNEY Spears, the Maureen Dowd of pop tartlets. She wouldn't be having none of that. Keep on speaking truth to power Mr. Federline. One of these days power will have to listen.
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