May 26th, 2006

I'm creepy

SMASH! KILL! DESTROY!

There are times in my life when I forget, even for a brief moment, what a shithead I am. Fortunately the world exists and is not shy about reminding me.

I've been taking a screenwriting class online for the last couple of months. It seemed like something that would be smart to do, so I did it. Anyway part of this class involved chatting with the instructor, and since I'm a fucking idiot (This is the theme of the day, if you haven't caught on) I did so under the impression that being honest and open was the best policy, which it totally isn't. Yesterday was the last class, and..well...the center did not hold. It all broke down into a big dramatic THING with the instructor, a fairly successful woman in her mid-30's, telling me that I'd hurt her feelings so badly she was quitting teaching (I do not know how serious this was) and running through a long depressive list of the things I'd said.

I tried my best to patch the thing up, but I failed. So in the end we just gave up, let the bitterness win, and went our separate ways. And that's too bad. But it's not unusual. Not for me.

See I have this crazy idea in my head that honesty is usually the best policy, and that open dialogue creates opportunities for mutual improvement. I know this is not true, the entire world runs on convenient lies, but I can't dislodge it. So I say my piece, and it all ends in heartache.

The thing is, I'm not very good at judging other people's sensitivity, mostly because mine is set so low. People can say all sorts of nasty things to and about me and it doesn't do much damage. This is not because I have particularly high self-esteem, but rather because whatever nasty comment someone wants to make to me, I have already made it to myself. I'm an asshole, I'm a jerk, I'm unworthy and incapable of love, I'm a failure, I will die penniless and alone, yeah yeah yeah, tell me something I don't know. I generally assume that people don't like me (a fairly accurate assumption most of the time) and I've learned to live with that. It never occurs to me that telling someone that they're being condescending, when they are, could be hurtful. Apparently it is.

I don't know what to do about these heinous tendencies of mine. I am incapable of just keeping my trap shut when I have something to say, but I also don't get off on hurting people's feelings. Maybe I should find a nice mountaintop and learn to meditate.

Le sigh.

I think I'm going to call the feeling I have right now, the feeling you get when you try to tell someone something they should know but instead of learning they get depressed and angry and make you feel like a bully, a truth hangover. It fucking sucks. The only cure is Tom Waits, time, and venting. I guess I've managed 2 of the 3 now. The waiting is the hardest part.

P.S. This is why I should never be invited anywhere, and why I can't have nice things. In part.
  • Current Music
    Tom Waits - Everything Goes to Hell
pod

There's this moment.

There's this moment, between making a decision you know is bad and the inevitable backlash, when it feels right. Whether it's saying the wrong thing, or eating something you shouldn't, or fucking the wrong person...there's a moment. A moment of pleasure and decadent happiness. A moment that shimmers for a second and then disappears, leaving you with the consequences.

I hate that fucking moment. It causes so much trouble. And yet, like all flawed fucking humans, I also crave it. Humans may be rational actors, but we'd be much better off if our rationality could see that moment for what it is. A mirage.
  • Current Music
    Jimmy Eat World - Your House
gnome

Sexy girls are dead girls.

Girls who have sex deserve to die, don't you think?

The great thing about this country is that we're so fucked in the head that when we hear "We can save up to 4,000 women's lives per year!" we immediately think "FUCK! But what if they have sex?" As if women having sex is some huge problem.

I'm pretty sure conservatives are doing it wrong. I haven't had a lot of sex in my life, but whenever I have engaged in activities that have brought me in intimate contact with a woman I haven't immediately thought "Fuck! I wish this girl was too afraid of getting cancer to have sex with me." In fact I'd say that was pretty low on the list of thoughts running through my mind.

Let me lay some truth out there. For the majority of men it is FUN to have sex with women and girls (though you should stop having sex with girls at the appropriate age....yadayada). Things that allow women and girls to have more sex with fewer consequences serve not only to improve their lives, but to INCREASE OUR CHANCES OF ENJOYING OURSELVES. If you are a straight man you probably spend a good deal of time thinking about putting your penis into the vaginae, mouths, and/or anuses of women. Since nobody has yet figured out a way to do this without the involvement of women, it is a good thing when something happens that makes it safer/easier for them to oblige you.

If, on the other hand, your value system says that it's better to keep women from having fun than it is to have fun WITH them...well...your value system is ALL FUCKED UP. How much fun is it, really, to expend enormous amounts of energy telling a woman to ignore her natural urges and not have any sexual fun? Wouldn't that energy be better spent trying to convince her to let you stick it in her butt?

P.S. Human rights, gender equality, saving lives...yaddayaddayadda.
  • Current Music
    R.E.M. - What's The Frequency, Kenneth?