July 31st, 2006

pod

They kill without mercy.

EVACUATE NEW YORK. WE ARE ALL DOOMED. The responsible newsmedia once again makes the calm and rational point that if the long overdue "Northern Hurricane" hits New York City the entire U.S. economy will collapse like a house of cards and paper money will be worthless except as tissue paper. No such hurricane has hit the area since 1938, but favorable conditions this year make it a NEAR CERTAINTY that not only will this hurricane develop but that it will land directly on Manhattan like a dart flung by World Dart Champion Gary Anderson.

In addition, a Northern Hurricane is two to three times faster than southern hurricanes and much bigger than their southern cousins.

Some facts that the article doesn't mention about Northern Hurricanes:

Unlike Southern Hurricanes, which are made up of wind and water, Northern Hurricanes are made of the souls of sailors who perished at sea, souls that desperately want revenge on the living.

Southern Hurricanes mostly destroy trailer parks and wooden homes. Northern Hurricanes cut through concrete, steel, and brick like they were paper.

A person who dies in a Northern Hurricane is 38 times as dead as someone who dies in a Southern Hurricane.

Northern Hurricanes do not respond to magic or prayer, whereas Southern Hurricanes do. (New Orleans couldn't be saved because it is such a sinful sinful city, what with the breasts and all.)

Northern Hurricanes are coldblooded. They cannot be reasoned with. They obey no laws, neither those of man nor those of nature.

Northern Hurricanes have awesome names like "The Long Island Express" or "Deathwind '06" while Southern Hurricanes have girlie names like Katrina, which quite frankly sounds like the goody two-shoes girl in your daughter's ballet class.

The following is a likely time line of what will happen if a Northern Hurricane does hit:

Day 1: The complete obliteration of Manhattan. It will become nothing more than an Atlantic Estuary.

Day 2: We stop looking for survivors and start getting reports of waterlogged zombies climbing from the wreckage of the city.

Day 3: Barbaro looks like he might pull through after all!

Day 4: You're going to have to start eating the flesh of your friends and family members if you have any hope to survive. Blood is the only fresh source of water. Every city in the United States in flames, the countryside flooded with refugees. Only Detroit remains unaffected, not because these things aren't going on but because, you know, it's not really much of a change.

Day 5: The rapture.

Day 6: Block Party in heaven.
  • Current Music
    Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Like A Hurricane
pod

Obv obv obv?

Mel Gibson is an anti-semite.

Oh he can apologize and blame booze and do whatever else he wants to try and escape that label, but that doesn't make him less of an anti-semite. While buzzed on booze he claimed that Jews start all the wars in the world (marlowe1 clearly started the Falklands conflict, but he's converting...so) and accused a perfectly innocent cop of being a horned money-grubbing Hebrew.

This makes him an anti-semite. If I had a sixpack of Coors and got pulled over only to tell the officer "I may be guilty but I'm not being taken to jail by no nigger cop" I would be an anti-black racist. If I don't do that while sober, well, that just means I hide it. So in general Mel Gibson is a well-behaved anti-semite.

Of course this comes as no surprise to the Jewish community, who pegged him as a Jew hater when he came out with his snuff film in 2004. It was an anti-semitic film from a man who grew up in an anti-semitic church. No big shock. But Gibson denied like crazy and eventually the right wing managed to push the issue aside and say that the Jews were just acting "Batshit Jew crazy." Now we have proof that Gibson's an anti-semite, but the rightwing won that round.

Anyway, the fact that Mel Gibson hates Jews shouldn't stop him from working in Hollywood. There are lots of racists and sexists in all positions of power. Heck there are rapists and sexual molesters in our government, running our companies, and teaching in our schools. Bad people sometimes do good stuff.

In fact, I don't think Mel Gibson should have to hide the fact that he hates Der Juden. I think that he should be able to say "I don't like Jews" out loud and not be condemned for it. By pushing bigotry and hate underground we empower it, because bigots don't have to really deal with the fallout from their opinions (such as those awkward moments at Ari Emanuel's cocktail parties) nor do they have to deal with people trying to change their minds when their bigotry is secret. Mel Gibson will apologize all over the place and go back to being a closet bigot, and America's necessary discussion on race and sex and prejudice will be put on hold once again. I think Mr. Gibson should just say "I hate Jews and I'm proud" and our society should have to DEAL with it. It's much healthier when shit, even smelly smelly shit, is out in the open.
pod

Friends in the Patriarchy

Psst...Boys. Listen up. The Patriarchy is coming to its end. With women making up a majority of college students and climbing the ranks of politics and corporate power, it is only a matter of time before we are overwhelmed. We stand on the last barricades of male superiority, outnumbered, outgunned, and definitely outbreasted. Our defeat is inevitable.

But while we still have the upper hand we can do things to make our transition to second class citizens more pleasant.

Example: We can eliminate high-heeled shoes.

High-heeled shoes do a lot of things really well. They create a beautiful curve of the leg, enhance the positioning of the buttocks, and add significant height to the woman who wears them. They also torture feet, get caught in gratings, and in general turn life into a gigantic tightrope act for those who wear them. Among the various grooming and dressing rituals women have been expected to engage in they are perhaps only a mid-level indignity, but I can't help feel sorry for the Stewardess who is expected to walk around a turbulent plane cabin for 12 hours straight while wearing spikes on the soles of her shoes.

Think about it guys, they're going to get us back for this. I'm not sure how, but there will be some sort of deviant foot-based torture coming our way once the worm turns. The thing is, if we eliminate high-heeled shoes BEFORE we lose control, well, then they'll just be charming relics of the past and not forced indignities requiring some sort of catastrophic response. Girdles, for example, are no longer en vogue and thus we will probably never have to suffer the indignity of wearing whalebone cocoons around our midsections.

The women WILL get the upper hand. We should prepare ourselves. A gift of flats for the women in your life today means comfortable shoes for you tomorrow. Remember that.
pod

JOEMENTUM

I am very depressed by the number of articles and blog posts discussing Senator Lieberman that fail to use the term "Joementum." It is one of the funniest political terms of the past 25 years. No longer should Lieberman be said to be losing voters' sympathy or diverging from his liberal base. He's shedding JOEMENTUM!

As I have said it, so let it be. No more Lieberman discussion without JOEMENTUM cracks. This is law.
pod

(no subject)

Abortion under siege in Mississippi. Poor women being lied to and mislead. Blah blah blah.

Really, at this point, aren't we all bored of this "Abortion under siege" crap? Yes yes, young women and girls will die in back alley procedures or have children they can't afford and be ground to dust by crushing poverty.

YADA FUCKING YADA.

How are Brad and Angelina doing?

Seriously, though, reproductive rights are like SO '70s. Today's young women like rainbow parties and lesbian kissing. So hot!

Poll #782765 Why do you girls want abortions anyway?

Why abort?

Don't want to have to buy maternity clothes
1(10.0%)
Suction Curettage sounds pretty kinky
0(0.0%)
As long as my insurance covers it...
0(0.0%)
Men love a woman who'll take care of the problem even if the rubber breaks
2(20.0%)
Birth is yucky.
0(0.0%)
Nothing good on TV
2(20.0%)
Vaginal bulimia
2(20.0%)
A womb is no place to raise a zygote
1(10.0%)
I hear you get a lollipop!
1(10.0%)
Hate fetuses because they're ugly
1(10.0%)


Women's rights aren't important, because like, how many women are there anyway? And why do they want rights?