September 6th, 2006


It's NOT a miracle

A baby is NOT a miracle. It's the exact opposite of a miracle. It's routine. There are almost 7 billion babies/ex-babies living on earth right now. To put that in context there have been about half a million major-league baseball games played EVER. So is a major league baseball game happening a shockingly miraculous event?

And you know what? You may love your baby, and look at it with googoo eyes and talk about how wonderful it is and how much joy it has brought you, but there's no guarantee it won't turn out to be a fuckup or, worse, something that's absolutely not worthy of love (There are plenty of lovable fuck ups out there.) Adolph Hitler's mommy loved her little fuhrer and probably thought he was 'miraculous' as well.

Babies are selfish, nasty, needmachines. They prey upon our evolutionarily warped minds to make us love them, when in fact if we could shake off the cuteness and bonding we would HATE THEM and wish them ill. Birthing one is a pretty selfish act, which doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but the world's not exactly hurting for people.

Whenever someone has a baby and claims it's a miracle I want to grab them by the shoulders and say "No! Look, rats can do that. So can wallabies. It's not a miracle, it's just fucking nature. When I take a shit that's not a miracle either."

The only thing that stops me is an aversion to being punched in the face.


Yeah umm I'm sorry about the whole "rape" thing. Not one of my finer moments. Oopsies.

Does Hallmark make a card for this? Maybe something with a puppy on the front that says "I'd like to paws and apologize for raping you. Sorry!"

Because the thing everyone wants to see after a rape is their rapist returning to "apologize" to them.

Despite what your mommy told you there are some acts you can't take back. Called someone a bad name? Apologize. Smashed into someone's parked car and drove off without leaving a note? Apologize and pay the damages. Killed someone's kid while driving drunk? "I'm sorry" ain't exactly gonna make it up to them.

Raped an 87 year old woman because you're a scumbag piece of shit? Yeah, good luck with that.

The best thing this guy could have done would be to turn himself in to the police. At least that might help ameliorate the fear and sense of injustice. It wouldn't fix things though. This is why there are certain things you NEVER DO. Because you cannot undo them. It's why you NEVER get behind the wheel of a car while drunk. Or push someone down the stairs when you're mad at them. Because if you shout "I hate you I hate you I wish you were dead" There's a chance you might be forgiven. But you can't undo a broken neck.