October 23rd, 2006


I miss her

It's been only two full days since she took that plane back to the Rocky Mountains and her beloved Grand Junction. Those have been two days of pretty intense illness. Still, in between the hacking coughs and spurts of various bodily fluids I have had time for a few lucid thoughts. And most of them have been about how I miss having her around to joke with, touch, and just lie next to. We had intimacy, at least I think we did, and that's something very special. It's nice to be able to let your guard down around another human being, and part of that is physical. It's not always about sex so much as breaking down barriers.

I'm not sure what's going to happen between us. We'll probably continue like this for awhile and then maybe one of us will move to be closer to the other, or perhaps our lives will be too rooted where they are and that won't be a possibility. Long distance things are hard, and declarations of "Oh, we'll be together in six months or a year" ignore the vagaries and randomness of life. All we can say is that we WANT to be together. And I do want to be with her. And that's not really a possibility at the moment (though it may be one in the relatively near future, we'll see) and of course that sucks.

Subway Incident

Some people have been curious about what happened to Jessica on the subway. She posted about it and told me that I could share the link.

In terms of my thoughts on it, which aren't particularly important, I'm mostly frustrated, a little guilty, and angry. Frustrated that I can't do anything, guilty that I wasn't there to prevent it or at least chase the guy afterwards, and angry that this sort of shit happens at all. I don't know what goes on in the mind of a person who does that sort of thing. How could you do that to another human being with no shame or remorse? Do you not recognize her humanity and the sanctity of her person? It's the same kind of attitude that leads to war and other such activities. The failure to acknowledge another person's needs and desires as relevant to your actions towards them.

It sickens me.

And of course it sickens me more that SHE feels guilty and ashamed about it. Women do. They're conditioned to. As if by being out in public they are making themselves targets for the sickos and perverts of the world. This wouldn't have happened if she had been in the kitchen making me a sandwich, or wearing a bhurka!

Of course it couldn't be less her fault, and it doesn't change how I see her one iota. She was victimized, like a lot of women are in large anonymous settings with tons of foot traffic. I just hope that she can get it out of her head soon and move on. I don't dismiss the powerful effect this sort of thing has, but I also don't WANT her to suffer because some criminal decided to attack her. It's difficult being the boyfriend in these situations because there's nothing you can do except listen and advise. I wasn't there to help her, and I can't carry the burden for her. So all I can do is try to be supportive and never ever wear a puma shirt.