December 19th, 2006

pod

Everybody loves...

A "The insurgency is kicking our ass but good" story!!

It is one of the ultimate ironies of the Iraq invasion that a country with enormous oil supplies has such a horrible power situation. It also demonstrates just how difficult the situation over there is. In America we are used to having electricity on demand all the time. We don't have to worry about fridges going out or whether our dialysis machine can draw the juice it needs, at least for the most part. Likewise when power DOES go out, we have the reasonable expectation that this will be dealt with shortly. Our repair crews never come under fire, we never hear about people trying to steal wiring, and intentional sabotage of power lines is extraordinarily rare.

Iraq is a totally different story. When the rule of law breaks down you can't assume ANYTHING. The idea of crews of looters beating the official repair people to the fallen towers may seem ludicrous but it's the reality over there. The concept of needing security forces for a repair crew is completely foreign to us (who is going to attack a repair crew?) It's a fact of life there.

The truth is that nobody comes off well in this story. The Americans have failed to protect vital infrastructure from attack. The insurgents are doing more damage to the local populace than to the army or American government (which has first dibs on power and its own generators anyway.) The looters are thinking in the short term, exacerbating a problem that will have severe economic consequences for the country. When everyone is dispossessed and nobody has "bought in" to the government the result is a society out of control. The only way to re-establish control is to A) Develop political legitimacy or B) Use force. A lot of force. Enough force that stealing wires isn't worth the risk.

America can't do either of these things. We don't have any shot at political legitimacy over there. We don't have the political will to use sufficient force (We're talking raiding neighborhoods and arresting or shooting sympathizers. We're talking bulldozing city blocks. We're talking public executions. We're talking Saddam level force.)

This is why we need to get out. Because until we do the situation will just slowly degenerate. Once we leave there will be upheaval and bloodshed and someone will emerge with enough legitimacy or military power to rule the country. It may be one of the tribal leaders. It may be a religious authority. It will likely be Iran. There really isn't any other way this can play out. The society is fundamentally broken and you don't fix that with 30,000 more troops. We may have had a chance to achieve legitimacy when we first invaded but that's gone now. We've lost. Time to go home.
  • Current Music
    Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Chris Isaak
pod

THE REAL DEAL

Sure, 95% of American women have had premarital sex, but a STARTLINGLY low percentage have had premarital sex with ME, which is frankly what counts. Does it really count as sex if I'm not involved? I can't imagine it's particularly satisfying.

A woman's true sexual awakening does not, in my opinion, occur until she has shared a bed and bodily fluids with yours truly. I don't mean to brag but I am tremendously good at sex. I can last for three, even four, minutes at a time. I've received such rave reviews as "Well, that was surprisingly adequate." and "I guess I don't REALLY regret what just happened."

I treat my sex partners well too, offering them a muffin, cupcake, or other baked good of up to two dollars and fifty cents in value. I also know how to take a hint once our fling has reached its conclusion, never leaving more than 15 tearful messages on an ex-lover's voice mail and spending no more than $150 on singing telegrams informing her that she won't do better (FTA has yet to offer a "You'll never do better, you know that, right?" bouquets, despite my repeated requests.)

In short, I am the perfect man to either enter or secure your place in the ranks of the premaritally normal with. And I'm available. Due to certain legal issues I can no longer do Bat Mitzvahs, but other events are definitely on the menu. Wouldn't it be nice if instead of relying on some Guttmacher institute we could just ask a single man whether a woman had had premarital sex or not and get an exact count? I'm working on making that a possibility. Join me in my statistically significant work. I promise you'll be surprised by my adequacy.
  • Current Music
    Same Ol' Situation (S.O.S.) - Mötley Crüe
pod

Looking at your tits

One of my LJ friends, a woman I respect deeply, complained that a coworker of hers had looked at her breasts when he should have been addressing her eye to eye, as a sign of respect. Now I'm not going to bring up that old saw that looking at a woman's breasts is a compliment, but I am going to argue that it is, in fact, a nice thing to do. Why? Because, ladies, when we look at your tits we're providing you with a valuable service. We're letting you know that we're scumbags.

See when a man treats you as an equal you never know if it's because he's a sincere, honest, human being, or he's just slick. How many times have you had a guy act all respectful and stuff only to make an attempt to slip you the old salami when the time was right? Lots of times. We're manipulative bastards, we are.

But a guy who looks at your chest? He's being honest. He's saying "You may have a wonderful mind and a great personality, but HOT DAMN, them's some nice hooters." He's letting you know what matters to him is the flesh. The stereotypical response to tit-looking is "My eyes are up here." Guess what, ladies; we don't need an anatomy lesson. We know where your eyes are. We're sure they're quite lovely. We'd rather look at your breasts.

So the next time a guy looks at your jubblies don't think "What a jerk." Think "What an honest jerk." Like the bright red Amazon poison arrow frog he may be toxic, but at least he's honest about it.
  • Current Music
    Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie