December 21st, 2006


Holy Turkmenistan

Turkmenbashi down, TURKMENBASHI DOWN!

Niyazov may have been a brutal dictator, but goddamn was he gangster. How much of a badass do you have to be to rename January after yourself. "What day is it? It's not January 3, it's genericrickuary to the third power! And see that meteor? You want to call it Alpha 9328? Yeah, fuck you, that's The Glorious Meteor of genericrick. Suck it down!

Niyazov had some sort of crazy book (the Ruhnama) that was made into a giant self-reading instillation. He was not just crazy, he was NORTH KOREA crazy.

Part of me is happy that the Turkmen people may now have a shot at freedom and democracy, but part of me is sad that one of the world's great lunatics is lost to us. Not only did he rule his country in the nuttiest way possible, but he was in charge of the TURKMEN. Don't they just sound like a crazy, backwater group? It's like they're the generic version of Turks. The RC Cola to the Turkish Pepsi. "You want Turks? We're out of stock right now. We do have Turkmen though."

Rest well Saparmurat, You may have been a crazy autocrat who left 60% of your people unemployed and poor, but you were a special kind of crazy, and the world's going to miss that.

Bad connections

Headline: Trump sends Miss USA to rehab
I read: Trump, Miss USA, Ahab.
I think: I guess that kind of makes sense. You know he wants to harpoon her.