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January 14th, 2007

12:47 am - D'OH

Of all the ways to lose your mother...

The station should at least pony up a Wii for her kids, don't you think? Of course they'll be ponying up a lot more in the settlement. If they'd used gatorade or another sports drink this would not have happened, plus they could probably have gotten sponsorship. Women are especially vulnerable to water intoxication because they're so tiny. Why are you girls so TINY?

10:35 am - Water water everywhere

I'm trying to get into mineral water as a way of weaning myself off soda. I drink a lot of diet soda, and occassionally full calorie soda, and frankly the aspartame and sugar are just awful for me. So I've been experimenting with various sparkling waters (still water is great, but gets boring quickly.) So far San Pellegrino is my favorite, a 750 ml bottle matches my fluid needs for a decent meal pretty well, but I'm open to suggestions if any of you folk have them.

Yes it's ridiculous to spend $1.50 on a bottle of water, but seeing as whenever I try to drink just tap water I get bored and soda is pretty deadly, it seems like one of those wasteful habits I can live with.

Americans are short because of our shitty diets and unequal wealth distribution.

04:58 pm - Circuitshitty

I left my mom's house at about 2 o'clock this afternoon, with a specific mission in mind. That mission was to go to Circuit City and obtain a new bag for my laptop (I am currently using a crappy old bag that's extremely uncomfortable on my bulky torso.)

My first inkling that this mission might not go as smoothly as hoped was when I attempted to enter the subway, headed downtown. It turned out that this was not possible. Do to the 'track work' that always seems to be going on in this neighborhood (The Lexington line rarely has track work. I'm just sayin') there were no downtown trains.

Now many would have simply turned around and gone home at this point, sure that the lack of downtown trains was an omen of what was to come. I would not be so easily thwarted, though. No, I am a survivor and I was not going to allow the lack of public transportation to keep me from my goal. I decided to go to the park and WALK (yes, WALK) the 1.75 miles to the store in question.

About 5 blocks into my journey I was hit with my second hurdle. My ass began to itch. And this, my friends, was no ordinary itch. It was like a fire of itchiness between my ass-cheeks, a blaze of itchy discomfort. I persevered, though, not one to crumble at the first sign of IAS.*

The IAS got worse, though, it went from a flare to a five alarm itchblaze in my pants, and I had to fight to keep my hand from diving back there and TCoSB*. Worried, now, I went up to Broadway to look for a Starbucks or other public restroom where I could take a few squares of toilet paper and attend to the matter.

I never found one.

No, my friends, I walked over a mile and a half suffering from IAS and not ONCE did I either allow my hand to stray below the equator and find my relief OR attempt a RBSS* I manned up.

Finally I reached Circuit City and, IAS still flaring, went inside. I went straight to the laptop bag section, not wanting to risk standing around and browsing other areas. I had a mission, my friends, and I would not be denied.

Except...

Their bag selection was junk. And, even worse, none of them had prices on them. That's right, they had a bunch of bags with no prices. It was anarchy. Big bags next to little bags. Little bags with no shoulder straps. Shoulder straps too small for human shoulders. And none of them with prices.

As I was looking at this pitiful collection of crappy bags a Circuit City Saleswoman approached and placed a bag, with no price on it, on the rack. She smiled at me, that Electronics Store Clerk smile that means "I'm going to act like you're a human being, but in reality I see you as an ATM machine." I thought about asking her the prices of some of the bags, but before I could open my mouth I realized how, exactly, the conversation would go.

Me: So, how much are these bags?
Clerk: Which one were you looking at.
Me: I DON'T KNOW, WOMAN, MY ASS IS ITCHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. WHY DON'T THEY HAVE PRICE TAGS?
Clerk: Can I sell you an extended warranty?

I turned and walked out of that Circuit City bagless, but with my dignity. Then I took the subway home and spent 10 minutes scratching my ass.

I still don't have a laptop bag.

Mission unsuccessful.


*Itchy Ass Syndrome

*Taking Care of Scratchin' Business

*Rubbing Based Scratching Solution.

10:12 pm - Child Knowing vs. Adult Knowing

It always surprises me when people refer to or comment on George Bush's certainty. I've watched Bush speak on a great number of occasions, and while it's true that he appears to be certain about the things he is saying, his certainty is that of the student, not the teacher.

Al Franken once compared conservative and liberal patriotism. He said that conservatives love America like a child loves its parent. America can do no wrong, is always in the right, and must be followed no matter what. Liberals, he argued, love America like an Adult loves an equal. They are aware of its flaws and foibles, and want to help it get its shit together. They don't tolerate its bullshit and remember the mistakes it's made in the past. Rather than declaring its flaws to be merits they acknowledge them as flaws and love despite it. It is a mature sort of love.

Well George Bush speaks to the public like a child reciting a fact he has learned at school. He says "We found the weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq" in the same way a kid says "Columbus discovered America." It is a fact, and he has learned it, and now he wants to tell it to you so you can see how smart he is. This is pretty much true of everything he says. Even "I'm the decider" has the sort of ring of a kid bragging that "It's my allowance, and I get to spend it however I want!" That's what daddy told him, so it must be true.

Given the way Bush speaks, and a great amount of other evidence surrounding his administration and advisors, I think it's logical to draw one of two conclusions. Either Bush is a brilliant chameleon, who uses his aww-shucks appearance of being a dim-bulb to hide his machiavelian scheming, or he is the intellectually incurious man he appears to be and when he speaks he is mostly parroting things he's been told by the people around him.

I tend towards the second explanation.

If that is the case then Bush is no more "The Decider" than a kid who is told "You can have a stupid cookie now, or you can save your money and buy an awesome bicycle in a couple of months" and chooses to buy the bike. Yes it's ultimately his decision, but it's not one being freely made.

If one views the Bush administration in this framework, that of a dim child following the suggestions of his elders, I think a lot of things fall into place. Two things that do not, however, is the press' treatment of him, and the claims made by his allies that he is a man of strong convictions and moral certainty. He may have strong convictions, but are they really his, or is he just parroting back what he's been told? He may have moral certainty, but is it adult certainty fairly earned, or is it the sort of certainty one has after going to church and hearing the preacher rant about homosexuality for an hour?

Bush frequently talks about his historical legacy (in a way that makes me think that Dick and Karl have whispered into his ear that he'll be remembered as a great president). Ultimately he may go down as a dim, gullible, man who happened to have the right name at the wrong time, and did irreparable damage to our country through his inability to think things through in a serious, adult, manner.

10:31 pm - Picswitch

I've decided to change my default userpic. Bert and the baby have served me well for many years, and gotten countless compliments, but ultimately it's not the image I want representing me anymore. It prejudices people before they read a single word I've written, and comes off as a bit more confrontational than I'd like. So what have I chosen to replace it? My ugly mug. A picture I took of myself a couple weeks ago. Those of you who feel you will be scarred for life by viewing my hideous visage, I apologize. Just think how terrible the people who meet me in real life feel. I'm trying to change my life, though, and part of this reinvention involves being more honest and exposed. What's more honest and exposed than saying, upfront, through imagery, "I am a loathsome, offensive, brute. Please don't look away?"
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