It's getting hot in the city. I'm a little better at dealing with it now that I've lost some weight but it's still uncomfortable. I'm feeling better mentally but I still can't write like I'd like to. I have ideas but they aren't coming out right, it's all thick and coagulated, it comes out in misshapen glops onto the paper. It's frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be anything but sub-mediocre. It's a very depressing proposition. What else do I have to look forward to? My future's so dim I have to wear night-vision goggles. I don't even feel like a college graduate anymore. I feel like I haven't done anything at all since high school, and that I'm stagnating here. It sucks. I'm 22 years old and I'm going down to pick up a young man I met on the internet from Vermont at a bus station. I don't know what the most depressing part of that statement is. Man, internet, or Vermont. I should be picking up pretty young Czech girls and attempting to take advantge of them during the early morning hours. (Not that he's not pretty, that's for sure. If you're in to men he's a very pretty boy.)
There was a young (not young as in illegal, but a year or two younger than I was) Czech girl I might have had a shot with a few years back in school. She was blonde and perky, but not in an annoying way, in an uplifting sweet way. I think she enjoyed spending time with me and we used to study together and one night we were working and she pressed her leg against mine but I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not so I didn't react. Those are the things you regret later on, not in an intense way but in a light "what might have been" sort of way. Of course if I had hit on her and she had gotten upset and offended and wondered what she could have done to lead her fat study partner on, that would have been a regret too. At least this way all the memories are sweet.
I don't announce my weight on this journal and I'm not sure why. I'm not afraid of stating it, but I feel like it's not relevant and people would respect me less (not that I'm getting a ton of respect as it is.) I've slowly let more information out over time, and now I'm meeting a journaler for the first time at a bus stop in Chinatown, my true colors and pants size on display to the world.
I think Czech women are the best of the European lot. They come from a culture that's sophisticated but not arrogant. Let's hear it for the Czech girls.