Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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It's raining cats and dogs and blood. Coffee grounds eaten straight from the can, no water.

Every pitiful wannabe writer who's ever disgraced the English language by putting pen to paper and shaming both with his words has taken on the topic of cats and dogs. I guess it's my turn now.

We talk about cats and dogs because they're some of the few creatures found in our homes that we don't just kill out of hand and that can't tell their sides of the story. They're fodder for our stories and assumptions, anthropomorphized out their asses. They've had more rumors and lies ascribed to them than Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, so much so that I'd almost feel sorry for them if they weren't such nasty selfish sons of bitches.

This isn't going to be some "cats are like women dogs are like men" bullshit or happy little stories about my pets and why they're so human like. Screw that. I've had both dogs and cats, sure they're different, sure they demonstrate surprising intelligence for creatures that regularly lick their own asses or the asses of those around them, sure they're cute and cuddly. Pet ownership can be a barrel of laughs and a half, fulfilling and exciting and fun. Pets themselves, on the other hand, much like babies, are assholes. They don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. People don't seem to get this.

You always hear stories about how "Oh my dog is so sweet and loving, he comes to me whenever I'm feeling down and licks my feet and climbs on my lap and blah blah blah." Well sure he does, asshole, he's reliant on you for food. When you're feeling down and upset it's only natural that he's going to try to ingratiate himself. He's learned long ago that this means affection and food. If he didn't you might mope around and not give him his beggin' strips. You want to test his altruism? You want to see what he's really about? The next time he comes to comfort you, you kick him in the fucking face. Just right in the nose with the heel of your shoe. Do that a few times and see if he comes back when you're feeling down and out. An altruistic human will. There are plenty of people who are in social work who've been kicked, bitten, stabbed and slapped by angry clients and come back to help again, sometimes even the same person who fucked them over. Not a dog or a cat. A couple bloody lips and they'll be on the other side of your house when you walk in the door all sad and shit.

Now I'm not actually suggesting you kick your dog in the face. He could bite you or something and I don't want to be responsible for that shit, but the point is an important one. Your dog cares for humans because he needs humans for his own survival, or because someone's bred all the aggression out of him and he'd rub up against a fucking lamppost if it was furry and warm. Those dogs, the universally sweet ones, they're kind of retarded and I feel sorry for them. They ain't who I'm talking about though.

See people forget that dogs and cats were originally wolves and panthers. They naturally evolved to be mean sons of bitches who ate livestock back before it was livestock and human children or whatever else the fuck they could get their hands on after the humans gathered up all the livestock and put it in pens. Saber-tooth tigers didn't have to cuddle, they'd take your damn meal from you and you'd thank them for not taking your dick along with it. It took centuries for mankind to pussify the pussycat.

But kittens and puppies look like little babies, and somewhere in that mangled mass of misdirected instinct we call the human brain there was an attraction so in a colossal waste of time and effort not seen again until some silly sons of bitches decided to erect big ass stone triangles as tombs to some fucking retarded monarchs, we bred saber-tooth tigers and wolves down to the happy little creatures that greet you at the door and lick your face and hardly ever bite through the meat of your throat when you're sleeping.

There's ample proof of the abject cruelty of cats and dogs. One example is the way they treat strangers. The vast majority of them are either hostile or totally indifferent to other people depending on whether they are of the canine or feline persuasion. Dogs will bark and sometimes even bite unknown humans while cats will either hide or pretend they don't exist. Intolerant or arrogant, pick your poison. This is a good time to bring up some of the differences in the ways that cats and dogs are arrogant and nasty. Dogs are the simpler animals to explain, perhaps that's why they're often associated with the masculine. They're mostly bullies. They are either big with powerful jaws and acutely aware of it or small and scrappy with a napoleonic complex. I can't number the times when I've been walking or running in the park and some dog has run up behind me yapping its fool head off as if I was threatening its owner and generally acting in such a way that I start wondering where the nearest tree branch is in case I need to defend myself. There are a few times when I would have considered putting a 9mm slug into the base of one of these menaces' skull if New York had gentler concealed weapons laws.

The owners are always real apologetic, they can't believe their dog would do such a thing and its never happened before. Bullshit, if you can't believe a 110 pound animal let off its leash would act like a general asshole then you're an idiot. Some dogs don't. Presumably their owners have convinced them that hassling strangers is more trouble than it's worth.

Cats are more passive aggressive and less discriminating in their targets. They don't have much of a problem spurning the hand that feeds them. My cat is a constant affection tease. She'll jump up on the bed next to you but heaven forbid if you reach out and try to touch her. She's real sensitive about that. It's like those women who have big hair, low cut dresses, and no idea why men don't pay attention to their ideas. Yeah, real mystery there sister. Look, if there's this big creature that lives with you and likes stroke your fur whenever you're near the least you could do is not pretend its some big surprise or offense when he does that after you leap up next to him. Then she runs off to the doorway and turns around indignantly. Whatever. You wanted it you damned pussy. You were asking for it. Don't go changing the story after the fact, you leaped up on my damned bed!

Dogs at least have the dignity to bite you.

Look, there are lots of benefits from pet ownership. I'm not advocating against it. Just don't fall into the trap of pretending that your pet actually likes you or cares about you. He doesn't. If he had to choose between you buying him a can of food or medicine that your grandma needs you know what he's said? "Buy me the food, fucker." Lassie rescued Timmy from that well time and time again, sure, but what did she get from it? A fucking TV contract and lavish praise and celebrity. How many times did Lassie rescue an ugly fucker that nobody cared about? Would Lassie have rescued Saddam from his spider-hole? Hell no. She would have shat in his face and looked for some cute kid to put under duress so she could save him and get the credit.

Animals are animals, and like babies they can't help it that they're selfish and ignorant. It's not a matter of placing blame, it's a matter of acknowledging fact, and the fact is that your cat is not righteously offended when you sit down too close to her and she runs off, or you speak a little loud on the telephone, or accidentily step on her because she ran right under your damn foot. She's playing games with your head and trying to get more of whatever it is she wants. Hmm...maybe she is like a woman. As for your dog, well, just keep a first aid kit handy for when you can't find the can opener and he turns on you, that's my advice.

P.S. Before any of you animal lovers out there decide to jump down my throat, this is just me taking a mundane subject and tweaking the anger dial up to 8 out of a possible 11 and seeing what happens. It was...pretty lousy...I need to work on sharpening the angry stuff. After I get used to this style you'll see what happens when it goes past 10. Just don't read it at work.
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