Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Shoot to thrill

I had forgotten how draining it is to live with someone so incredibly high strung and always on the edge. Almost hourly whatever I am doing is interupted by a shrill shriek and any sort of communication has to devolve into screaming or crying on her part. My mother is so incredibly fucked up and it gets easier and easier to recognize it as so. I'd feel bad for her if she didn't drain so much from MY life. Like I've said I don't want her dead I just want her FAR FAR a fucking way.

She's upstate with Bob now, her boyfriend who she also has a totally fucked up relationship with. Apparently he is too needy for her or whatever but she always tells me that she's broken up with him and then he calls and asks to speak to her and I have no idea what to do so I hand her the phone and she talks to him like nothing has happened. This has happened 10 times so far. I have no idea what their relationship is and she has no interest in honesty or keeping me updated.

The thing is that I don't really care who my mother fucks. I really don't. I just want to know how it will effect MY life. She gets more stressed out when she's having problems with Bob. Or if he's using our house (A house my father always said would be there for me if I wanted to use it, like some sort of sanctuary for me to always have) so I can't go there. Or if he's been with her in South Africa so that when I tell him that she's back from there I look like an idiot who'se being kept in the dark about everything.

I feel sorry for Bob. He's a nice enough guy and he's gotten himself tangled up with a total harpy who'se been dating and fucking him for over 2 years and still won't call him her boyfriend.

My mother claims that she doesn't have to tell me about her social life even if it effects me because I don't tell her about mine. First of all I've NEVER had anything even resembling a girlfriend (although I think she wants me to bring someone home for her to meet just once so she could see whether I'd date a feminist) and second of all she pries relentlessly anyway. No matter what the situation she will always ask what my plans for the day are and hammer away at me even if there are none. Not every teenager has plans for every day and it gets harder to make plans when you can't invite people to your house when your mom's there (my friends are all slightly scared of her crazyness)

I'm not being intellectual or interesting. I'm venting. If you don't like it get OFF the bus.

The things my mother says to me are pretty cruel all things considered. Yesterday she called me the bad seed (When I said that my existance was her fault and that if she was too old to deal with a young person she shouldn't have had a kid past 40, which is simple math) called me a woman hater because I don't give her the same respect I gave my father (My father devoted a good portion of his life towards raising me, spent time talking to me about all my concerns and fears, tucked me in at night and told me stories, and tried to teach me as much as he could. My mother was never around when I was younger and since then she has consistently fucked with my life and me, making me go back to school 4 days after my world ended, taking me off to South Africa when my social status in high school was finally stabilizing a bit so that I never felt comfortable for the 7 years I was there (the school was 7th through 12th, I didn't get held back)) She called me uncompromising because I didn't accept her edicts without argument and she repeatedly told me that we weren't equals because she's the mother even though SHE'S the immature one who always devolves to screaming and name calling before I do.


I know it's not a healthy situation but the ONLY two things that keep me here are A) The housing market in NYC and B) My concern for my mother/my relationship with my mother.

Although we could afford a small apartment for me it would put a serious crimp in our finances for the forseeable future and probably forever. It would mean that I would give up the financial cushion I have now and be forced to probably go out and find a job. I'm considering it though. Of course it's up to ME not my mom to think through our finances because she doesn't understand them at all and is paranoid about money. Yesterday she said that we'd spent all our money and were down to 200,000 dollars and when I showed her the sheet that said we still had 337,000 left plus 230,000 in my trust fund, she said we used to have so much more. I mentioned that she'd spent 50,000 on an apartment in South Africa (A terrible investment because the Rand is PLUMMETING and I said so at the time but she didn't give a fuck)

The other, scarier thing, is that if I leave now I'm pretty sure I won't have any relationship with any family in the future. My mother's side of the family I am not in contact with and my father's side she has alienated me from (with her treatment of my grandfather etc). So since I know that if I left now I would not look back at my mom, I would be left totally isolated from any sort of familial attachment. And since I don't plan ever to be married or anything, that means that I will sort of be alone for the rest of my life from 19 up. I'm not ready for that. I mean I deal well with solitude, but not having ANYONE for 40+ years? Crazy man, crazy.

Of course my current situation isn't much better but very occasionally I will have a real mother. Two or three times a month.

I'm supposed to meet with her at 7PM tonight and have propositions about how we can fix things. I have no clue what I am going to say. How do you FIX something that's been broken for so long with one part that's completely warped. It's times like these, times like these when life just gets really messy.

Also with no punching bag what will happen to my mother? Maybe she'll get better, maybe not. Who knows.

I so wanted to go up to Maine this year but I don't know if I can with the crazyone. *sigh*. I should just learn how to drive and get a job and a car and become one of those hardworking people who combine college and a job and a social life and NEVER have time to contemplate or think or even take a breath.

It just sounds so, hard, and soulcrushing.

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