Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I want school to come soon

I am having one of my rare lonely moments. I think it was because Kawah was supposed to come over yesterday and he didn't. I was expecting his presence and it never came and so it is another example of unresolved tension (I didn't want to say social blue balls because I said intellectual Blue Balls the other day). I know that my mother coming home won't cure this, and I was invited to go with the guys to a mall in New Jersey today but that probably won't help either.

I can't understand why people would CHOOSE to go to a mall in NEW JERSEY. That's just kinda mind boggling for me. I hate malls. I would hate it even more to go with them because I just KNOW that Paul will hit on anything in a skirt and embarass the hell out of everyone he's with. On the subway coming to the park the other day he asked 4 girls if they liked his shirt. He's slowly working on becoming charming so he can get laid and I find that offensive.

Anyway I'm lonely so I'm writing. This journal helps me to resolve my feelings because once they are down on paper I know that they are no longer JUST my feelings anymore. They become my statements and if they are important I KNOW that they will be addressed by other people. Jeff, if nobody else. I'm not sure how helpful this journal would be if it was the pen and paper lock and key type. I dunno, for me the act of writing seems a bit pointless if it isn't augmented by an external response.

I am going to be taking Lit-Hum again. Last time was two years ago and I dominated that class. I'm smarter, and more focused now. Will the class be able to contain me? Part of my college melt down was based on the fact that the Lit-Hum class wasn't deep or challanging enough to contain me and I burst from it's seams like an intellectual bomb blowing up. Now the kids will be younger in comparison to myself, the material will have already been covered by me, and my mind will be sharper. It's a scary thought.

Maybe I should go to class drunk. Teehee. But I won't because I hate the feeling of being inebriated. I guess there's no point in worrying about it right now. At least my other classes will probably be more interesting.

I almost can't wait for school to start. I had a good break this summer compared to how it has been in the past and I feel ready to deal with a whole year of college and maybe even start treating it like college and not extended highschool. Maybe I'll even make some friends this semester. Hee-Ann and I will probably hang out, cause we get along alright and we might be teaching a GED thing together. I think he respects me because the two classes he had with me are his highest grades so far at Columbia. Also I was the one who reminded him about Pam over in California and lead to him having a nice little summer fling. I think, he hasn't given details but he did thank me. I can actually be a decent friend once you get past my obsessive need to talk nonstop about myself for the first few days of friendship. Most never do.

I feel a little better now, having written a little. Often times when I'm feeling bad I just need something to DO and I'll feel better. I guess I have that "Throw yourself into your work" attitude my father did only I don't like going out and GETTING work.

The truth of the matter is that I'm pretty well convinced that I'd do excellently at any job I got, but what I'm afraid of is being bored and more importantly having to socialize with fellow employees. I dunno, there are so many people I am not compatible with out there and so few I am. It's a REALLY complex fear and I don't have time to get into it right now.

Confidence can be a shield from abuse I think. I should cultivate some of the one to avoid the loads of the other I am sure to be recieving soon enough.

You know what....if you didn't like this entry, if you found it disjointed and shallow and erratic and boring....that's okay. I'm alright with that. I can TAKE it. I have written a lot of stuff which I think has been meaningful and I am going to ALLOW myself the indulgence of writing just to write, of putting finger to keyboard just because it FEELS good.

That's a step in the right direction.

For me.
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