Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Greatest threat to western civilization? Metrosexuals. God damned metrosexuals.

Okay, I'm very glad that homosexual men have finally reached something close to mainstream acceptance with television shows like Will and Grace and Queer Eye . I know however, that this recognition has been unfairly stereotypical and emasculating. Gays can only get on television if they're light-footed non-threatening fairies. Safe gays. That's really rough on men who want to be gay but not necessarily swishy and find themselves shunted aside by the media. It's even rougher on straight men.

I know that as a straight (despite what counterdisinformation fumoffu might spread about the questionable nature of my sexuality) white male my complaints don't get a lot of cache these days, but this one is quite sincere and I think pretty important. We are being disenfranchised, our opinions and feelings trod upon, and our kind being driven out of our ancestral homes. The perpetrator of these heinous crimes is none other than the metrosexual, otherwise known as the man who wants to jump on the "Swishy gays are popular now" bandwagon without having to give up sex with women. They're everywhere, slathering on handcream and eating pussy, and they're causing no end of problems for those of us who believe that part of being a man is not knowing that a necktie and a cravat are the same thing until you're 38 years old.

For a long while I was able to tolerate the metrosexual. If a man wants to wear eyeliner and own pumice stones that's his business. If women want to screw him that's theirs, it's not like they were going to screw me anyway (I've heard "not if you were the last man on earth" so many times I'm thinking of getting a button that says it in case a drunk chick forgets her line. This is information generally delivered out of context and not in response to anything I've said or done by women who enjoy being informative and unneccesarily cruel at the same time.)

The thing is, metrosexuals don't content themselves with putting on makeup by themselves and taking our women. No. They go a step further. They're fucking with our football now. That's right, today while watching a football program I saw no less than three commercials in a row for metrosexual goods. One was for a skin-softener for men (The message? If you have softer skin and smell like coconut then you will get the girl. Is the girl a nearsighted lesbian? We never find out.) one for some sort of metrosexual clothing line, and one for a body hair trimmer that you can use on your "intimate parts" done in a mock-up of Full Metal Jacket (I think that your drill sergent telling you to neaten up down there is some sort of violation of don't ask don't tell.) This is unacceptable. Nevermind that the whole metrosexual thing is a complete creation of cosmetics and skin companies who want to open up the male market. Nevermind that feminism was supposed to be about taking appearance requirements OFF of women, not putting them on to men. Nevermind that no man should smell of coconuts unless he has just opened one with a machette. THIS IS FOOTBALL. Football is the most popular sport in the country partially because it appeals to the Cro-Magnon roots of modern man with its grunting and hitting and sweat and blood and such. It is no place for pansies. I have no problem with gay players or any of that but I do have a problem with someone trying to sell me hair gel while I'm trying to get in touch with my baser instincts. This would be like inserting a math lesson into a pornographic film. Math is great, but it's not something you want to deal with when two chicks don't have enough money to tip the pizza guy.

How long is it until our action stars are wearing lipstick (and not just Hollywood fake-looks-natural lipstick but bright red or purple) and fighting with "Limp-wristed monkey style?" How long until knowing the price of stonewashed jeans replaces knowing how Bo Jackson's career ended as the entry into mainstream male society? How long until the fashion channel has more male 18-34 viewers than ESPN? Not long if ESPN is already running pubic-hair shaver ads featuring only men. You don't see E! advertising Monday Night Football.

The Metrosexuals already have the softer hands and all the women, now they want our sports shows too? They must be stopped.
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