Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Days go by

Yesterday was my first day of really not liking being at work. Part of it was the task I was assigned, which was basically data entry and not very well-explained, but it was mostly that I felt like crap. I was tired enough that I hit the sack before 9:00 and woke up just after 1:15, a pretty typical sleep schedule for me when I'm sick. I did learn some stuff by reading the blurbs of the various companies I was entering into the database, but it's still drudgerous work and what I did learn did not make me happy. It was nothing new or even particularly interesting, just the sheer amount of competition there is out there and the large number of people who obviously believe that they have talent and drive and are not seeing a lot for it, or are just flat out wrong in their self-assessment. I've always had trouble sustaining self-confidence and as I enter my mid-twenties with no particular training in the field I want to engage and not much in the way of prospects for satisfaction in other aspects of my life I am having to work rather hard from keeping my resolve from flagging. It's work I can and will do, but it takes effort.

I wasn't particularly happy with my performance either. Some of it, as previously mentioned, was my bosses fault. He came in late and didn't remember to leave the booklet in my office, which meant I didn't have access to it. I tried to work off the net but it was much less efficient. Now he didn't make any unreasonable demands or hold me responsible for this, so it's not like he did anything wrong, he just made a mistake, but I feel guilty for having wasted time he's paying for and so have a tiny nugget of resentment that I'll have to quash. This is my issue. I also wasn't great after I got the booklet due to unclear instructions and my own illness. I felt a compulsion to stay late and finish the data entry but I knew that sick as I was I wouldn't be able to rev my engine and fly through the work so I bagged it early. All of this left me feeling unfulfilled and guilty, purely due to my own neurosis and superego, but it's unpleasant nonetheless. I also met his previous assistant, or at least someone who served an assistant function. To my great relief she was late-20's or early 30's (which means I was able to be friendly rather than competitive or jealous. Yes, I know, I'm a mess for that even being a factor but anyone who ever claimed I was not a mess was either lying or denying.) She didn't know everything and hadn't done everything, which made me feel a bit better about my own imperfect performance, and she was a genuinely nice person. She's also the first woman I've met, or at least paid sufficient attention to, whose eyes completely made her face. She wasn't that attractive in a lot of ways but she just had amazing eyes that had a lot of kindness in them. I wasn't attracted to her (A little bit outside my age range for that) but I've always been a bit suspicious about guys who say "Oh she just has such incredible eyes" because it's an easy out when you want to compliment a girl physically but don't want to be crude or overly sexualized. In some cases it is apparently the truth, although I still believe that most incidents of such claims are dishonest.

I have some thoughts percolating that I intended to put in this entry, but I'm starting to feel tired and ready to try sleeping again so I think I shall do so and they will have to come later. The next entry should be considered against the background of this one, though, lest it seem unreasonably bleak and alienated. The specter of illness and miscommunication must be seen as floating in the background. I don't even know why I'm explaining myself, except that I don't want to worry anyone or make them think that I've become even more misanthropic or bleak. Sometimes an unbalanced perspective is a useful and necessary tool in exploring realities both inner and outer. Balance is great, but it is only through unbalance that we can look into the abyss or the heavens and learn about them. The world is a place with both good and bad in it, but if one wants to get a better understanding of either one almost has to ignore the other. Thinking about Auschwitz and black-eyed susans at the same time can give you perspective, but it's hard to fully appreciate either in that situation. Have you ever tried to take pleasure in a flower while thinking about the slaughter in Sudan? I have. It's interesting. Depending on your mood it can either heighten your appreciation for the beauty of it or make it seem totally irrelevant. It does not, however, allow you to actually contemplate the flower on its own. It contextualizes it and makes the experience a comparative one. That's not always the way you want to go.

The same is true the other way around. If you want to really think about alienation in American society it may be necessary to forget the forget-me-nots.
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