Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Guilt

I feel guilty. I know the cat's running away while under my mother's care isn't my fault, but I feel bad that I'm not DOING anything about it. If I could drive I'd pack up my PS2, the little TV, and some Anime DVDs and drive up to the house to wait for the cat. Just kick back and watch Anime with an eye on the door and an ear out for her squeak.

The truth is that I didn't actually think my mother would come home without the cat. I just didn't imagine that as possible.

I'm worried. I'm imagining Willow (that's the cat's stupid name according to my mom) out there in the woods dodging bears and hungry and thirsty and not being able to find her way home. I'm imagining finding her little skeleton a year from now eaten by the flies after she starved to death. I'm thinking about my dad and how I couldn't save him.

This is the first time in my life that I really wish I knew how to drive. Not just in an "Oh I should learn that" way but in a practical and important manner. I might ask my mom to drive me up there tomorrow anyway. I'd be stuck alone in the house with no car and the nearest grocery store would be 2+ miles away down a mountain (and up again carrying the food which would NOT be a pleasant walk) but I'm willing to try. I'm just not sure it would do any good. Plus I'd get spooked up there by myself, alone in a house that is still haunted by my father's ghost in the middle of the woods. To add spookyness to the house it is on one side of an abandoned farm, and on the other side of that farm is an ancient graveyard. I remember when I was 7 getting super freaked out about Betelgeuse because we were so close to a graveyard. Up there are so many ghosts. My two cats from when I was very little are buried up there. I don't want Willow to die but I don't know what to do.

My mom has the maintenance guy looking for her and she says she's going to put an add in the town paper and notify the local ASPCA. But I still feel like I should be up there waiting for the cat to return. There are bears up there and even a very few wolves. Of course there are also mice and rabbits for her to eat and she used to be a wild cat, so it's possible that she could survive indefinitly (there's a little stream too) or be picked up by a neighbor....but....but....I don't want this to be like my father. I don't want her to die because I didn't DO anything.

This time I know what's going on. This time I have a choice to make.

What should I do? I want someone to tell me. What should I do?

I still can't believe my mother left the cat up there alone in the woods. I can't believe she'd do that.

So do I go face the ghosts of my semi-happy childhood alone and with no way to escape or do I stay and face possibly being haunted forever by the ghost of my cat?

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

It doesn't matter.

This is one of those decisions with no right answer isn't it? I mean doing nothing is calous, the only thing I can do is almost certainly futile and possibly harmful to me, and the wrong I want to correct is not my own.

What do I do? I could use somebody to talk to but there isn't really anyone, not for this. I don't know anyone except Jeff who could help....I think I'll call him. Fuck boundaries.

Oh and if you have any advice, whoever you are out there, please send it my way.
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