Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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My day yesterday was truly horrible, but I did get two ideas, one of which is outrageously fun, or at least seemed so at the time and though entirely unmakeable is worth a run down here in this journal.

It's a television show called "Don't Fuck With Bob Reyersen" and it's a blacker than black comedy. We're talking Curb your Enthusiasm meets Shallow Grave but without all the happy happy joy parts of either. I guess the closest you could come would be Very Bad Things only with a little less dread and a greater sense of diabolical wisdom.

It's about an office in a company called Logocorp (which names provides logos and initial marketing campaigns for new or relaunching products), run by one Bob Reyersen, who is a mix of an ultra-greedy corporate type and an extremely dangerous psychopath. He commits heinous acts on a regular basis but retains his job through a combination of diabolical effectiveness and intimidating his superiors. He may be the worst human being on earth, but if he's not then he's still the worst boss this side of Jefferson Davis.

In conflict with Bob is his team in the company, a small and not-particularly tight-knit group that resists his evil plans and fights back with counteroffensives of its own. The members are all stubborn pricks who won't quit and go somewhere else because they refuse to allow Reyersen to bully them. They are also paranoid and vicious from years under his steel thumb. The battle comes out pretty even in the end, with each side winning about half of the time. the conflicts are epic and vicious, and often involve things that might be fatal or at the very least call for police involvement in the real world but are not in the world of "Do Not Fuck With Bob Reyersen."

The Players:

Bob Reyersen: 40ish, handsome, tall, strong, and utterly deranged. Bob Reyersen can be a hard worker and an effective leader when he wants to, which is almost never. Instead he prefers to be a miserable prick and try to bring pain and injury to others. He terrorizes everyone who crosses his path in the office or outside of it. He has no friends, only a few admirers and hangers on. By all rights he should be on death row or in a psych ward.

Pete O'Flannery: A late 20's heavily muscled thug, he is Bob's personal assistant, even though he can't read at much higher than a 4th grade level. Mostly he's used for physical intimidation and attacks, with the occasional low level dastardly action being carried out by him. He's Irish and drinks a lot. He's gay and has a huge crush on Bob, which is not reciprocated by the voraciously heterosexual Reyersen. He is respected by nobody else in the office, but some of them fear his physical size and strength.

Chadworth Hallsbury: Reyersen's official boss, who is intimidated and terrified by him. Feels compelled to give directions to Reyersen but has no ability or desires to enforce said orders. Aging, probably 60s, frail, and a tad British. Carries himself with dignity in the social realm but is a coward and frequently goes behind Reyersen's back during conflicts with him, hoping that others will do his bidding. Hallsbury tends to stutter when angry or afraid, which is often.

Rex Kingston: The CEO of Logocorp's parent company. Never seen except in silhouette. Likes Reyersen quite a bit because he's an effective employee. Has all of Reyersen's greed but none of the psychosis, yet doesn't care who gets hurt as long as he makes money. Everyone scrambles to obey him, including Reyersen (he is the only one Bob seems to respect, although it's not clear whether it's true respect or fear or just a whim that keeps him loyal) and this causes mix ups from time to time.

Maureen Killroy: Rex's right hand woman. Sometimes dispatched for damage control when things get out of control or just on various tasks of his. Mid 20's maybe, very severe, and absolutely no nonsense. Stunningly beautiful but so standoffish that you wouldn't hit on her even if you were drunk and desperate. Outside of Kingston she respects only Reyersen, who she fears a little.

The Team: Those who would oppose Reyersen.

Mark Manning: The most "normal" guy in the office. In his early 30's, just trying to get by. He keeps his job at Logocorp in part because he wants to stand up against Reyersen and in part to be near his on-again off-again girlfriend Trish. He's smart, brave, steadfast, and his friends. He's devious and vicious when he needs be, almost matching Reyersen in clever ruthlessness. Almost. Despite all this Mark can be a bit of a sad sack from time to time as he realizes the futility of his situation but doesn't know how to escape it. Mark is a copywriter.

Trisha Jones: Mark's on-again off-again girlfriend. A kind and meek soul. Pretty in a cute way. She's very bright and capable, but Reyersen's abuses have left her a bit of an emotional wreck and she probably has the least internal fortitude of anyone in the office. Stays with her job because she's terrified of looking for a new one and the official position is her ideal even if Reyersen's behavior makes the working conditions impossible. Trish is the office manager.

Miles Washington: Mark's friend from elementary school. An African American with a slightly spotty past who sticks to the Logocorp job out of loyalty to Mark and out of fear that as a black man it'll be tough for him to find another job that he can hang on to. A bit of a coward at heart but a sweet and intelligent guy who is very resourceful in times of stress. Avoids crisis and conflict the best he can but often rises to the occasion when they occur. A graphic artist with tremendous ability. Probably could be a professional freelance artist.

Elise Morton: Very young, early 20's, extremely beautiful and unlike Trisha vamps it up. Very very bright, bordering on genius, but extremely lazy because she relies on her beauty to skate by. There's a mutual attraction between Reyersen and her, which leads to her getting slightly better treatment than the rest of the group. They haven't slept together but only because Elise is a little put off by his unrelenting cruelty. A little. She's a computer whiz who can hack with the best of them when she's not arching her back to display her breasts and trying to get an unsuspecting male to do stuff for her, even though he will assuredly do a slower and less competent job than she would have.

Esteban Naruda: A recent Cuban Immigrant this 30 year old Latin man doesn't quite understand the mess he's stumbled into. He had family in New York so he went there after getting away from Cuba and looked for a job as a tech support guy, which is something he taught himself off the Internet while in Cuba. The only one available to someone without experience was at Logocorp, which couldn't find anyone else. Is extremely attracted to Elise, and it's somewhat mutual. His English isn't great, and she's the only one who speaks Spanish. He's handsome and muscular and a little on the slow side.

There are 10 episodes in the first season. Before each one there's a text scroll that goes something like this:

"Bob Reyersen is a homicidal maniac, a convicted felon, and a registered sex offender. He has killed men without justification, abused animals, and caused countless innocent people unspeakable mental anguish. Nonetheless the producers of this show would like to wholeheartedly endorse his management techniques and anything else he might ask us to support, because if there's one thing you will learn from the following half hour of programming it's that you"

And then you cut to the title screen "Do Not Fuck With Bob Reyersen."

Episode 1: The Wetback

Esteban applies to work at Logocorp. Reyersen hires him 3 minutes into the interview and then proceeds to unleash lots of subtle and not so subtle racial invective that Esteban does not fully understand since his grasp of English is limited and, as he keeps trying to tell Bob, he's not a Mexican. Reyersen responds by upping the ante, forcing the team to produce only racist anti-Hispanic logos for all the products they are presented with, ranging from baking soda to a new line of luxury SUV (which Bob wants named the River runner because "You're not going to evade the border patrol in a Mexican shit box") Esteban and Elise try to find a nice quiet place to fuck while the rest of the team tries to meet Reyersen's demands without offending an entire continent.

Episode 2: There's no such thing as a free breakfast

After the Wetback incident Bob responds with uncharacteristic kindness, bringing in breakfast for the entire team. Mark is suspicious and refuses to eat any of the food but everyone else digs in. Sure enough Bob has put powerful laxatives into the food, and scheduled client meetings for the rest of the day, while scheduling maintenance for the bathrooms. In order to get revenge the team hatches a plan to use the air vent above Reyersen's office as their personal toilet. Mr. Hallsbury eats a leftover dough nut and gets locked in the executive washroom by Reyersen who knows he also has a big meeting that day and desperately wants his job. Pete also steals a bit of the food and does HIS business at the workstations of various other team members.

Episode 3: The Spanking

After watching Secretary on video Bob decides that he wants to try out this form of employee motivation. He chooses Trisha to be the unlucky guinea pig, coming up with several minor infractions and giving her corporal punishment for them. She is too shocked and overwhelmed to resist. The gang is outraged and plots their revenge. They decide to slip a candirú fish ( which Esteban obtains from his uncle who has connections to Cuban organized crime, into his private executive swimming pool, after cutting off the chlorine supply. The only problem is that Pete knows they're up to something and is out to stop them. It's up to Elise and a still smarting Trisha to distract him while Miles gets Reyersen's attention and Esteban and Mark make the move with the fish. Can they succeed?

Episode 4: Dogfucker

Bob goes off on a meter maid outside the office and is sentenced to community service. He selects an animal shelter and soon earns the trust of the proprietor, who leaves him alone to mind the place while he goes off to take care of other pressing business. Has Bob finally learned the value of love and compassion for creatures of every ilk? The gang goes down to investigate and it seems to be true. Then Bob is bitten by a possibly rabid German Shepherd, and anally rapes it out of revenge. He discovers that he might have a taste for this and starts abusing the animals on a regular basis. Alone they are no match for his strength and electrical prod. The gang is naturally disgusted by this behavior and sets upon a plan to free all of the animals at once so they can get their revenge on Bob while he's in mid-coitus. Can they do it without being caught by the shelter owner or being bitten themselves? Will Bob get rabies? Will anyone be able to tell the difference?

Episode 5: Swastikitzch

Bob Reyersen gets a brand new campaign for a German car company and decides to use a slightly modified swastika as the logo, deciding that the Holocaust has been long ago enough that the symbol is now just harmless kitsch. Hallsbury tries to over-ride him but fails. Naturally Logocorp is soon picketed by angry members of the Jewish community. At first the gang is with them in their outrage over what Reyersen's done but eventually they get annoyed at the protests and picketing and decide to join with Reyersen to get back at the protesters, who are yelling at them and hitting them with rotten fruit. They enlist the aid of Maureen and have her covertly distribute pork hot dogs to the crowd in the guise of it being beef. When the ruse is revealed a conflict is sparked between the Logocorp employees and the Jews. Can Reyersen really work side by side with anyone, let alone his long-time enemies? Will the Jews get the last world? Will it be "PUTZ!"

Episode 6: A better offer

Miles gets an offer to work for another company for more money, and after Reyersen glues his eyelids shut while he's napping he decides to take it. The group soon finds that they miss him more than they thought they would, especially after Reyersen decides that he wants Pete to keep a hive of African Killer Bees at the workstation where Miles used to reside and presents only management with beekeeper suits. To his utter shock Miles finds that he misses Logocorp too, especially working with Mark and Trish. Can Miles be lured back into the fold? Will Reyersen admit that he needs his best artist so that he can maintain quality to Kingston's satisfaction? Will the gang be stung to death by the bees rendering all of this irrelevant, at least to them?

Episode 7: The cat's away

Bob Reyersen is sent off to Europe to do some work over there for awhile and the gang finds itself under the direct supervision of Hallsbury. At first they enjoy the more hands off and less completely insane approach but soon they find that the team is starting to splinter without their nemesis around. They are also having trouble getting any work done on time and Hallsbury is at his wit's end. Meanwhile Pete has turned his unwanted attentions towards Esteban, and due to a mix-up Elise thinks that he may be bisexual, conveying to Pete that perhaps they could have a threesome. Is it possible that the team needs Reyersen there to drive them? Is he an effective manager? Can they prove that not to be the case? How will Bob fare over in Europe? Will he start another World War?

Episode 8: We Need a Bigger Nigger

A casual mention by Rex about an article he read on diversity leaves Bob Reyersen and Chadworth Hallsbury scrambling to add more diversity to the management team (despite Bob's heavily racist views and tendency to refer to Miles by various epithets). They decide on Miles because he's black and "at least he's not a woman," plus they're afraid of losing him to another company again. Miles is promoted to management but quickly finds that he's merely a token minority at that level and starts to resent it, while enjoying some of the perks and the extra money. There is a height requirement for executives, though, and to their horror Bob and Chadworth realize that Miles doesn't meet the standard if you adjust for race. Can they figure out a way to demote him without being sued for discrimination? Will Miles position go to his head and alienate his friends? Can Esteban convince Pete that he doesn't swing that way? Will Pete Care?

Episode 9: Do Fuck Bob Reyersen's Wife

Hallsbury gets married and Reyersen decides to Cuckold him out of boredom. It takes him a day and a half. Furious at the betrayal Hallsbury decides turnabout is fair play and he enlists Mark and the gang to do the same to Reyersen's wife AND his children. They are horrified, of course, but eventually Hallsbury's insistence coupled with their hatred of Bob Reyersen convinces them to go for it. When they investigate the situation they quickly learn that Reyersen's wife and kids are hired actors who play his family at corporate events and pose in pictures, and they can't stand him either. Can Mark and friends figure out a way to convince the actress to sleep with him? Can they get convincing pictures of the children without scaring them for life? Will Bob Reyersen care?

Episode 10: Bob Reyersen Must Die

Bob Reyersen crosses the line when he 'accidentily on purpose' pushes a courier to Logocorp out of the window of his 37th floor office. The gang decides that they can't go on like this but they can't just quit and allow him to terrorize a new group of employees. There's only one thing for it. Bob Reyersen must die. They hatch a plan to destroy him once and for all. Can they defeat the vile Reyersen after he catches on to their plan? Do they have the guts to go ahead with it? Will the police FINALLY decide to get involved in the goings on at Logocorp? Only time will tell whether they can KILL BOB REYERSEN.

End of season 1

I know it might not sound funny to you, just vulgar and brutal, but you have to think of it in the British BBC comedy vein, with lots of physical humor and dark irony. This is bitter bitter stuff, just the way I like it, and trust me if you have the right vision of it it's quite hilarious. If people want I might post sample scenes or some such of what it would be like. Bob Reyersen is a real son of a bitch.
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