I love it when my work appeals to me. It means so much, beyond the realm of others approval and the inevitable economic facts that underlie an attempt at a life of creativity, or at least one that does not involve moving to Peru and living in the mountains. The thing is that when you're working on producing something creative you have no guarantee that it's going to have value to anybody else. It's not like traditional economic goods, like a blacksmith's nail or a carpenter's chair, or a pornographer's hot girl-on-horse videotape, there's not necessarily a market for it. On the other hand if it satisfies you then the work has value regardless of what other people thing. According to the majority of you folks I don't have what it takes to make it as a creative "talent" in this world. That's fine. I may never get to direct a movie or publish a book. I may never have much money beyond whatever I inherit, or a girlfriend at all, but if I can make myself happy with my work then I have something wonderful. If you can make the good life self-contained, not dependent on the whims or good will of others, then you have the best of all worlds.
In a topic related to my previous paragraph I'm going to talk to my penis now. Those of you who are not, in fact, my penis or are not interested in my communications to it can skip the remainder of this post. I promise you there is nothing to it that does not relate, directly, to said penis. Those of you who are under 18 can skip it too. There's all sorts of stuff at www.teletubbies.com for you to go look at, and though they may be gay at least they do not have penises to scar your minds. Unless that's what those things growing out of their heads are, in which case they really need to see a doctor. Maybe more than one.
So penis, I think you know what I'm going to say to you. You need to get your act together. Every time you see an attractive girl you can not jump to attention like a sailor spotting the admiral on deck. It's not only socially inappropriate but it's physically uncomfortable. Plus I need that blood. I have all kinds of essential circulatory requirements throughout my whole body. You can't just become engorged any time you feel like it. It's not right.
I know you're upset that you were born attached to the wrong guy. You aren't so great yourself, little buddy. Short, squat, and, to be frank, a bit veiny. It's not that I don't understand why you direct me towards those girls with an uncomfortable bulge in my pants, it's that it won't do any good. Let's face it, small guy, they're not interested, and they're not going to be, ever. You may sense an attractive vagina that you want to have frictional relations with hidden beneath those tight jeans, but she don't feel the same, and it's time for you to move on. Come on, you're a young penis. There's a million opportunities for you out there. So what if you're not going to encounter a vagina, who says that a penis needs a vagina to lead a rich and fulfilling life? What about urination. You could focus on that. Less dribbling, more accuracy. I'd appreciate it. You could take a hobby. I hear knitting's nice, but you don't really have hands. What about writing? I like that, you might too. you can't hold a pen, but you do have a squirter and some white cloth in front of you frequently. I'm not going to say I'd APPROVE if you started writing "Ode(r) to a Vagina I shall never meet" or some such down there, but it'd be better than running your head into my zipper to cause me intense pain.
Your feelings have been noted penis. You want to perform some sort of illicit behavior with an attractive female. It's not going to happen. Sorry, guy. It's just not. Move on. Find another hobby. You'll always have the two ations, urin and masturb. That should be enough.
You can get erect once in awhile. I'm not asking you to stop being a penis. On the other hand, if we're going to get along and I'm not going to chop you off and throw you in a dumpster, well, you're going to have to stop being such a dick.