Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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More on The Cat (tm)

I wasn't able to get in contact with Jeff. I spent the night by myself thinking about what to do and I'm still conflicted. On the one hand I am the type of person who likes to DO things in the face of problems. To strike out and fight against the dying of the light and all that poetic jazz. The thing is that I am also a rather practical person and I doubt sitting in a house alone for a few days will bring back my cat. It also runs the risk of throwing me into a depression, so I have to consider the pros and cons of action and inaction. I haven't quite decided what to do yet (I wouldn't be able to get upstate until tonight regardless of what I decide, since my mother has to work and I can't drive and almost none of my friends can either.)

Dr. X thinks I should go up there and wait.

Of course he also says that it wasn't my mother's fault when I feel that it was. My mom has let the cat out of our apartment by accident in the past, whereas I always see her making a break for it and stop her. My mother let the cat out this time by leaving a door open with only the unlatched screen door between the house and the outdoors. The cat fled through that door. I would not have left the door open like that. Also the cat COULD be hiding in or near the house and my mother wouldn't be able to find her. When the cat first came to our house it constantly hid and I was constantly forced to find it even though I said it would come out when it was hungry.

*sigh* it really comes down to the fact that my mother is so unbalanced she can't even care for a simple pet.

This cat was not wild wild, she lived in a barn with her mother and was fed occasionaly by the farmer. I don't know if she can survive without any sort of assistance especially in different terrain (farm vs forrest). The Upstate New York woods can be rather dank and inhospitable. Also she's disabeled in that she can't really meow or purr. She can only squeak and squeal. I don't know how this will effect her place in wild cat society up there.

This is another thing I do when confronted with a problem. Obsess and waffle. *sigh*. I wish I wasn't so clearly able to see both sides of the issue. I wish I could just run with my urge to action and DO what has to be done. But if I do and it fails then I feel stupid for not thinking it through. It's a double bind.

I know what happened to my father was not my fault but it haunts me. I feel like if I had just done something or just NOT done something he would still be alive. The idea that I could be that close to someone and still not have a large effect on their emotional well being terrifies me. The fact that the world is not under my control and NOT good or kind or even rational at all times terrifies me.

My mother has been harassing me all morning about various stuff to try to take her mind off the lost cat. First she started in on some bowls that have been missing since Reagan was president (yeah, in my 19 years of life I have broken a few bowls. Why don't you just shoot me now) then demanding an answer as to whether I'm going to Maine with her in a week or so. I said yes because I'm not ready to say no yet. I really want to see the house and go swimming etc but really not with her. She wants her boyfriend to come along too.

I really need to get out of here. Maybe I should transfer to another college, some place with a less hostile housing market. If I can keep my GPA up in the high 3's maybe even raise it to a 3.8 at Columbia I can probably transfer to just about anywhere short of Harvard. Maybe. I dunno. My high school record is still terrible.

But I need to figure out something to do. I know that I can't live in dorms, it just DOES not work for me, and I need some space, but what do I do to get it? Grrr I would gladly trade away all the joys of youth just for some stability and peace. Besides what pleasures of youth am I partaking in?

No partying
No Drinking
No Drugging
No Fucking
No Road Trips

Other than being independant and competant I'm practically 70 already :-). There are a lot of things I do need to learn how to do (Keep a house in order, cook, balance a checkbook, present a professional appearance) but other than that I feel I'm ready to be old.

I have so much to ruminate on and think about and it will take so much time and yield so little in the way of results.

I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me.

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