I don't quite understand why I'm miserable at the moment. Oh there, are plenty of possible explanations. For one I probably lost my job yesterday. Not as in got fired, but rather unlikely to be retained. I failed to catch a serious issue with the invitations that I sent out via email, namely that the date listed was in August, rather than September, and after careful research I learned that August 2004 has already passed and not everybody has a time machine like you and I. This error was compounded by my recklessly telling my boss that I like to proofread everything before I send it out. It's his error but I failed to catch it, and had like 3 opportunities. What good am I then? No good at all.
I sent out corrections all day yesterday, feeling so much like a spammer that I started adding offers for penis enhancement to the ends of the emails. "We would greatly appreciate your presence at our screening at the Goldcrest Screening Room, and while we're at it you can get 3 inches added to your wang for $39.97. Hot young teens are waiting for your call."
So that was pretty miserable, and I really felt I let my boss down, which sucks because I do like the guy. He didn't explode or anything after learning the truth, and even went so far to say it'd been a productive day before I left. Nice guy who deserves to have his minor errors caught by a responsible assistant. Of course that's one of the problems with working your way up. The things that make for a good writer or director, or at least someone who believes they would be good at those things, are not necessarily the same things that make for a good assistant or intern. While I can be detail oriented I am more a broad ranging creative guy than the kind of person who can give his heart and soul to the job of sending out mass emails. Especially when said emails are written by another person and contain a tag-line that I simply do not think goes well with the film. Meanwhile it's often the good assistants who get promoted so you end up with stifled angry creative types, and out of their depth assistants working jobs where the ability to predict when the paper clips will run out and order new ones without being asked does not necessarily translate to great success. Then someone greenlights Gigli and the whole rotten system stands revealed to the entire world. Then Ben Affleck stops dating his spicy latina and takes up with a wholesome apple-cheeked white girl like Jennifer Garner and the entire world forgets about Gigli and the over-promoted assistants go back to doing what they do worst. This is the way of the world.
It's possible I'm bitter.
In addition to my workday woes I'm finding myself relatively unable to concentrate on much other than women on my off time. I've been reading, both fiction and non-fiction, which is great, and I've been distracting myself with all sorts of things ranging from video games to the reading. It hasn't really been working. I am losing the battle for my waking thoughts and I'm losing it to women. It's very distressing.
Finally there's the fact that my therapist bailed on my yesterday by simply not being there when I showed up, after braving rush hour in Columbus Circle so I could get there. It was a lousy ending to a lousy day.
But the thing is, I think my mood is mostly independent of what's going in my life, which is disturbing. I mean individual events, like a meal or a game of Madden, can influence it, but it seems that for the most part the overall course of things is not a huge determinant. I'm worried that what I've been fighting off has been a re-occurance of chronic depression rather than situational. Something chemical rather than topical. I certainly have the genes for it. I don't want to go on drugs, and I haven't been suicidal, but it's worrisome nonetheless. Will my life ever be good no matter what happens or achieves? Am I built with the capacity for satisfaction and or happiness in extended doses?
Only time will tell I guess.
Meanwhile I stayed up till 6:30 AM chatting online and got about an hour and a half of sleep last night. Now I'm going to work. Here's hoping that I can get back home before I crash. This weekend should be busy. I have writing to do, books to buy and start reading, and football to watch. Plus I know rpeate is waiting with baited breath for my thoughts on Israel. Each night this week he's logged off disappointed because it isn't there and gone to bed between his high-thread count swastika sheets beneath his life size portrait of Goebbels with a tear on his cheek. "Damn dirty non-post Jews" he says with a pout. It may be a new year but it's the same old filthy kikes, keeping all their knowledge to themselves in their esoteric Kabbalah way.
I'd hate to disappoint him.