We talked about his time in California and his brief fling with this Pam girl. Apparently he felt more deeply about her than I had thought, but it isn't going to work out becuase she's a hardcore christian and he's an aethiest like me. Now I feel kinda bad about reminding him about her.
Anyway I'm glad that we had lunch. It helped me to talk about my cat and stuff and reminded me that there are people more interesting and less messed up than my High School click.
I am looking forward to getting back to school where I can have my existance validated by meaningless grades and compliments from other students on how bright I am.
I also want to meet people.
But I won't. Oh well.
Summer keeps slipping by and I haven't really done the stuff I wanted to. But that's okay. I've achieved other things that are also important. This journal is good for me in a lot of ways because it allows me to express myself in an environment that is both safe and exposed.
It has been not so good in other ways but even failing in certain respects allows for personal growth. I'm going to keep telling myself that and maybe it'll become true.
I went to Starbucks and bought one of them fancy frappuccino drinks. Raspberry coffee. It was okay but I have never really done that before, bought a corporate coffee. I guess I'm starting to enjoy coffee but it also makes me paranoid that I'm losing my edge.
When I was a little younger I used to wish that I wouldn't be so special and be able to fit in better. I used to pray to a god I didn't believe in that this would happen. Now I'm kind of afraid that it might be. The truth of the matter is that I don't know WHAT to believe with respect to god or magic or any of that stuff. I feel like the best recourse is to talk and ACT like there is no god or magic in the world until evidence proves otherwise to me, but on the other hand I kinda wish there were and I sorta believe it's possible. Sometimes I act like it is possible, like there could be an evil presence watching me and that's why my mom's so fucked up and my life is so hard and I'm so fucking messed up, becuase something malevolent is after me.
It's easier sometimes to believe that than that all of this is just fucking luck. But in terms of what I THINK, I think it is just chaos theory and science and some people do terribly and some do well. I don't know, it's a really sticky swirl of thought and belief and I am not really ready to deal with it.
I feel a long entry building in the corners of my mind, addressing some of the stuff that Dr. X has asked and some of the stuff that I've wanted to say for awhile. It will come out at some point but I don't know when. I feel bad for being such a lame writer recently. Like I'm letting everyone who might read this down and scaring off potential future readers. Like I'm allowing my journal to slip from being possibly interesting to boring and conventional just because of MY personal needs to express myself. Heh. That's not a healthy thought or feeling but it's mine and I will own it and deal with it.
Right now I feel good but my self confidence is almost entirely shot. Nobody can pick me up but me but I've done too much emotional lifting already today. I think I'll just lie back and feel bad and own the feeling.
I think the term "Own" is both constructive and deconstructive simultaneously. It is good to understand and accept that a thought or emotion is yours, comes from you, and has meaning to you. It is bad to overuse that as an excuse for having stupid thoughts or non-useful feelings.
I'm gonna own this entry though! Heh.