Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Neuroticism, now with extra whining

One of the irritating aspects of being a fat guy who lives with his mother and has very little self-esteem (Besides, you know, all of that in and of itself) is that you can't even pretend a female might like you when she does something that might be considered a signal of interest (Such signals apparently include eye contact, avoidance of eye contact, all sorts of things involving the crossing and uncrossing of legs that I can't claim even the most rudimentary understanding of, like some sort of weird leggy language, laughing at your jokes, but only if they aren't funny [Meaning that at any given point when a woman laughs at something you say she is telling you either that you shouldn't quit your day job or that the idea of engaging in intimate touch with you repulses her all the way down to her $30,000 shoes] walking by you at frequent intervals, asking you about your sexual history and the like, lying about her interests to make them seem closer to yours, and co-signing a home loan for you. Also absolutely refusing to co-sign a home loan for you. That may be another one.) I consider myself a funny guy. I am capable of generating laughter on a fairly regular basis with most of my failures due to the obscurity of the reference being made or the fact that people don't quite understand the depths of my sarcasm or the particular twist I'm putting on the joke. People quote my own lines back to me on a fairly regular basis, often lines that I have long-since forgotten. When women do this it is, I have been told, supposed to make me feel all masculine and competent, but it doesn't. It just makes me feel vaguely uneasy because I don't know what the appropriate reaction is, just that I'm not having it. Am I supposed to feel appreciative? Should I reciprocate by trying to remember something really good that they did? If they are of appropriate age and have some attractive quality about them should I ask them out for coffee and get shot down just for practice? Not knowing anything about romance and relationships is a serious hinderance in non-romantic social interactions. During my writing group I was making eyes at the leader in an attempt to be humorous (as opposed to amorous) but in retrospect she might have thought that I was checking her out or being sleazy (It doesn't help matters that she was showing a lot of smooth brown skin) This is embarrassing. On the other hand there was another girl who was laughing an inordinate amount at the things I was saying and made a point to say goodbye to me as I left. It is possible that she would like to talk or something, but I have no idea how to initiate talking to a woman without seeming to say "Hello you are tall with a nice rack and dark hair, that is a good combination, please place your lips on my penis and we can go from there." That's not the message I want to convey.

I just don't know how to interact with other people, not just females. I have no idea what my boss thinks of me. He has taken to inviting me out to lunch and I think it's because he likes having someone to eat and talk about movies with. He seems genuinely interested in my opinions on various movies I've seen and he talks about pretty serious stuff from his end, such as his dissatisfaction with my labeling skills (they aren't great, but I just can't get fired up about putting a label on something. It's not in my DNA.) The truth is that I'm not a great office worker. I spend too much time telling jokes and not enough happily organizing receipts. It's not that I mind organizing receipts so much as that when that's all I'm doing it becomes a hugely draining process and life begins to feel really shitty. Paperwork is the bane of creativity. It's all about fulfilling bureaucratically determined and mostly asinine rules. This is what middle managers, pathetic souls that they are, do. They create paperwork. It's kind of like being low-grade torturers. You can't stick a chemical light into someone's ass but you can damn sure determine that if you want to sue someone from New Jersey in small claims court you need to go to New Jersey to get the forms because they aren't available online and you can't file online on account of it's only the fifth year of the 3rd millennium and the government of New Jersey is apparently stuck back around 956 AD in terms of technology. I'm pretty sure their homeland security department is focusing more on the threat of a potential Viking Horde than Al-Qaeda but that might be an exaggeration.

A slight exaggeration.

So to sum up I have NO clue as to how people perceive me or how I should act towards them, I suck at menial jobs even while recognizing their importance, I have so few skills when it comes to women that I really need to take a remedial class on how to interact with the female sex, I'm fat, possibly lazy, I haven't written anything worthwhile in the last eighty nine years, I can be funny but never know when I'm actually being so, people praised my writing exercise at the last group even though it wasn't any good and mistook Roy Lichtenstein for a philosopher, my shower drain's clogged, my stomach hurts, I am an evil person who almost lets old ladies go to job interviews with lipstick on their teeth because I'm embarrassed to tell them it's there, my thigh itches, I'm late, and I have nothing to offer the world.

Oh yeah. And New Jersey is a fucking hell hole where mortals should fear to tread. Totally.

Other than that I'm doing fine.
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