Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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From Hero to Zero

Looks like I'm not going to be able to go up there and play hero and rescue the cat after all. Apparently my stupid mother left the cat IN the house and just didn't bother to look for her before leaving. The maintainence guy is up there looking for her and he says that there are cat prints in the house and that a cat used the litter. Unless there's a cat infestation up there, apparently Willow was just abandoned by my evil mother.

I'm glad the cat is safe but I'm kinda sad that I don't get to go up there and search the scary woods for her. I mean I am itching for something to do and heroism has always been something I've loved. I'm definitly the kind of guy who will do difficult things to help other people, just not myself.

It's sick to be disapointed that the cat is in the house from a practical perspective because it means that she will likely be recovered and won't die etc. But I was finally ready to go up there and I was even ready to fight with my mother to be able to go up there. I feel like I got all suited up for battle and raised my broadsword to the sky and the dragon died of emphasyma caused by toxins in the skirts of the various maidens he had broiled and devoured over the years. At that point the knight turns from righteous savior to some dork in really hot clothing.

The thing is that deep down beneath all my hurt and pain and logic and anger and fuckedupeddness I DO want to be heroic and I know I have the capacity for it. It's just difficult to find a way to be heroic these days. If you're a cop you're a beauracrat, if you're an FBI Agent you're a pawn in a sometimes nasty governmental game, if you're a crusader for the environment you're crusading against some little girl's daddy's job. If you're a soldier you might be asked to kill someone who doesn't deserve to die etc.

How can you be a hero without being powerful? Go to Bhurundi and fight against corruption? I want to be an American and I am not willing to undergo extreme indignity and discomfort just to be ABLE to find something to fight for. I would be willing to undergo more than that DURING the fight, but not just during the search for battle.

It turns out that we ARE going up there tonight. We're going to sleep with the doors open and hope that she walks on our heads so we can catch her and confine her to a room until we are ready to drive down. It might seem cruel but it's a lot less cruel than leaving her up there without food or company. I need to start packing. This is a very emotional moment for me. It's going to be good to go up to the property and be somewhere that I OWN for awhile. I have really felt upset about this apartment being rented recently and It'll be great to sleep somewhere where I OWN the house. That might seem shallow or stupid but it's an emotion and I'm going with it.

It'll be bad to drive 2 hours up with my mother. That I am not looking foreward to.

My mother is going to stay the night up there because she doesn't want to drive 4 hours without rest. If she drives up tonight and sleeps up there she can get back into the city before she has to go to work at 11 AM. I'm kinda sad cause I won't have the same freedom I would if she wasn't staying and kinda glad because I won't be alone with the memories of how things used to be.

I need to go out and get some groceries and pack up a TV and my PS2 and some Anime/Games so I don't go crazy. I'll definitly do some reading but I'm gonna need some sort of entertainment with voices so I don't feel entirely alone. No internet up there and nobody knows the number and I don't really know anyone in the area anymore. I'm good at being alone but not so good at being isolated. I don't know if I hope we find the cat the first night so I don't have to stay there alone or if I hope we don't so I do. *sigh* complexity is complex.

Well thanks for listening to all my raving about the cat and my mom and my stupid life etc etc et al. I am kinda excited about this trip but kinda disapointed she wasn't found but but but but but


I. I'm still alive.

Non sequitor to you but makes sense to me. I'll make another entry when I get back

And you won't care.

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