Tuesday I got into work late thanks to a late start and the sort of train trouble that seems to occur in New York when there's even a slight drizzle. The truth is I wasn't done writing when I headed in and that was exceedingly irritating in and of itself. There is a large part of me that believes I should not be working right now but rather spending as much time as possible with pen in hand or hand poised on keyboard, honing my abilities. If my job were not at least somewhat educational I would probably have quit or cut back quite some time ago. I feel like I'm going about things half-assed, not expending enough energy in the world of the job to get ahead but too much to allow me to write the way I would like to. That may be an accurate assessment. The truth is that at times working feels like a cop-out because I'm afraid to just chuck it and try to freelance/spec write for my supper.
Not everyone who becomes a writer of some sort spends years toiling at some other job beforehand, honing their craft on nights and weekends while putting in days at the office or warehouse or in the kitchen of some filthy dive. Those who do often gain a unique perspective that they bring to their writing. Writers who have only been writers often develop insular styles and create works that are not overly relatable by the population at large. I'm not saying I could support myself through writing at this point, but I'm questioning whether it would be wise to even attempt it. The problem is that my life as it stands feels...empty. Not totally, but lacking a core. I have a part time job. I dabble with writing. I go out with friends from time to time. There's no THERE there. I don't have a self-identity that I can hang my hat on. Some people would be fine with that, but I'm not. When I was in college I was a student, and a good one. Even if it didn't take up that much of my time it was a way to identify myself and a place to go for stimulation and knowledge. Right now I'm floundering.
Of course it doesn't help that I'm sick, or that on Tuesday I had one of the most depressing restaurant experiences of my life. I was already feeling down and lonely, contemplating my womanless existence. I went into this Korean restaurant hoping for some Korean BBQ and maybe some nice K-pop music, or at the very least some Korean classical. Instead it was love songs. Lots of love songs. There was only one non-love song in the rotation, and that was the superschmalty "Dance with my father again" song that always makes me nice and sad. Just to rub it in the only other customer in the restaurant was a guy dumping his girlfriend. He was an unattractive asshole. He actually told her "When you're in your 20's you want someone to hold, and that's it. If you have that you're in heaven. When you get older you want something more." Then he left and told the waiter that she would pay. At first I had no idea why a girl would date this guy in the first place, but then I remembered that he was an asshole and it all fell into place. Women love the assholes. It's an oft-proven fact.
AT least the BBQ was good. I also dropped a 20 dollar bill in there by accident and the waiter ran across to my office to return it, which was nice. I went back the next day with my boss and they were playing the same songs, but somehow it doesn't feel as bad when you have someone to talk to, even if he's a guy in his 50's and not a 25 year old woman with long auburn tresses and alabaster skin. My boss and I always have good conversations, I think that's a good sign. On Wednesday he said to me, as I was filing and he was writing up form letters "Could you imagine if our whole lives were just this, some people ONLY do this kind of work." I wanted to say that I was the sort of person who only did that sort of thing, but I saw some hope in the idea that he seemed to think I wouldn't be doing this my whole life. I hope he's right on that.
Now I'm sick and don't really wnat to write anymore. I didn't go into work today, didn't feel well enough, and I'm not going in tomorrow as per my bosses instructions. Instead I'm staying home and playing Def Jam Vendetta (Eh...it's...okay) Katamari Damacy (If you own a PS2 and not this you are likely either evil or stupid, just a warning) and Madden 2005 (It's a hideous repulsive brute yet I cannot look away.)