Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I've been working on an entry about my ideal woman for some time, but the further I get into it the more I realize how pointless it is. I mean it's nice and self-indulgent to talk about pretty New England girls with long dark hair and rosy complexions, but it's pointless. Who cares? Honestly. And I don't just mean you selfish fuckers, I mean what do I care? Yeah fantasies are great, but the girls I've been attracted to have never been fantasies, it's always been uniqueness and reality that exert a draw on me. That doesn't matter either. The point I've stumbled upon, and the reason that the exercise was not a total waste of time, although it has backed me up mentally in a bad way, is that the women are not the issue. This isn't exactly a new point, I've stumbled upon it before, but it's an important one. I feel like an elderly Indiana Jones with alzheimer's disease. I keep finding the lost city of El Dorado to my personal problems and then forgetting its location, having to stitch together the location from scratch again.

On Thursday my therapist told me that he believed my only problem with women was the weight. Apparently he hasn't seen my teeth. Of course they're not the real problem either. The real problem, of course, is me.

Friday night I left a friend's house in a bad mood. He had left me outside his house for about 20 minutes when I'd arrived (He lives in one of those illegal New York buildings not fit for rats and doesn't have a buzzer. Despite knowing I was enroute he decided to chat with someone on the telephone. Needless to say I did not voice appreciation for that behavior) He and his girlfriend had reacted poorly to my boss' movie, and had done so quite rudely. Then he invited over one of his friends who was a real prick to my in high school and I ended up letting her in on my way out. She actually booed the fact that I was leaving (I think she thought we could catch up with one another, while I thought that I really didn't want to deal with her condescension) and left me feeling rather irritated. I had to go mail some packages for my boss so I went to the main post office downtown (insert requisite sneering comment about how living in New York affords me the ability to go to the post office at 10:45 PM while those of you who live in podunk towns have to take time off from work or go on Saturday.) After I got the packages sent off I decided to take a walk up through Times Square and towards central park. The sidewalk was overflowing with people, apparently Jay-Z was performing at Madison Square Garden yesterday and there were gawkers and street hawkers selling "souveneirs." I am of a mixed opinion about those sorts of crowds. On the one hand they are pushy and hard to walk through (although as a native New Yorker my shoulder charge and sidestep moves allow me to navigate crowds that most people would just get stuck in) on the other they grant anonymity and safety, not to mention helping to ameliorate loneliness to some degree. This particular crowd was mostly annoying but after a few blocks it thinned slightly and I was able to ignore it. I had my CD player with me and some Nat "King" Cole loaded up, and I lost myself deep in thought.

I started to think about a bunch of things, why I'd felt compelled to leave, why I had been feeling down recently, and why my only recourse to feeling like shit was to walk alone through Times Square. What I came up with was an interesting self-revelation.

I don't know how to let others help me. I can be a very helpful, even nice at times, person but I get uncomfortable when others attempt the same with me. Even with my therapist we spend time talking about his life and troubles rather than mine, and rather than resenting that I feel MORE comfortable there than I do when discussing myself. It's almost like I feel that I have to give before I can recieve, and give more than I will ultimately get in return. This is part of why I can't even concieve of a relationship with a woman, because I would place an unfair burden and workload on myself, something I am not capable of handling at the moment.

I'm just not capable of being the lesser contributor in any kind of situation. I feel guilty and shamed and emasculated. I've never really been the emotionally supported one in ANY relationship, and I don't have that skillset down. It's an important skillset, one of the ways you can best serve others is to allow them to express their competence and care towards you, but I don't know how.

This is a large impediment in every relationship-type area of my life and one I should rectify, but it'll probably take years. It's an essential thing to know about myself, though, and proof that when it comes to women I have more impediments than just a large belly and unappealing teeth.
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