Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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I will be sitting on top when it all goes wrong again

I'm going to Maine in a few days and I feel very ambivalent about it. My mother has been a lot better since we got back from finding the cat but who knows how long it will last. This morning she started slipping again. I don't really want to spend 9 hours in a car with her driving up. I even less want to spend 9 hours with her and her boyfriend. I really do want to see the house again though. I want to spend a week swimming and kayaking and hiking and all the great stuff that is available up there. I want to run barefoot along the mossy stone path up to the highest cabin. I want to go fishing off the dock and talk to the water where my father's ashes are. I feel like I'm finally starting to let him go and that some sort of physical closure might help.

I wonder how the house is going to be divided up in future generations. When my maternal grandparents died they left the house to all three of their daughters to share. Because I am an only child I assume that my mother will pass my portion of the house to me so I will still have a third. My cousin Bobby is also an only child so he will get his mother's third. My cousin's Kate, Sarah, and Rebecca will also want a piece though and what will they get? One Ninth? Will they demand an equal share with me and Bobby leaving everyone with a fifth? Will one group buy another out? I know that I want to keep the house for the duration of my lifetime assuming it is passed down to me. I dunno, this arrangement obviously can't last that long generationally speaking because Bobby has 6 children and if they have children, well....one house is clearly not going to be enough.

I don't know why I am thinking about this kind of stuff right now except that I have started to really consider my future as a possibility over the last couple weeks.

*sigh* Hee-Ann just called me and told me that my presence would not be needed at the volunteer class tomorrow. I just basically got fired from volunteer teaching. I wonder if it's because he heard something bad about the job I did or just because he wants to finish what he started by himself. I feel like slamming my head into a wall until the stupid falls out.

It's almost impossible for me to be altruistic without viewing it at least partially as a judgement of my own competence. Last night I was talking to someone who I've been in correspondance with for a couple weeks and I finally managed to broach the subject of a theory that I'd had for awhile but been a little bit trepidatios about presenting. Anyway the person said that they were too tired to talk about it and I feel like I was too pushy not because I neccesarily thought that it would be best for the other person to talk about it then but because I was eagre to fill in the gaps in the theory and go from generalities to specifics. That's wrong. I shouldn't do that but it's so easy to convince myself that that's not what I'm doing. A few small lies conceal the big one.

I feel like either cutting off my hand or signing up to build for Habitat for Humanity. The second is more constructive (I am nothing if not the source of a plethora of pathatic puns) but the first is less likely to harm another person. What if I don't nail in a roof beam properly and it falls on a child's head? Stuff like that rules me.

I wish life was simple and you only had to work hard to get what you want. I wish it was like a big rock that you had to push up a hill and once it got to the top you were happy. Instead life feels like a piece of sculpture where the angles don't quite match up and you keep moving from side to side looking for how the whole thing fits together so you can understand it but you loose the image of one side when you move to another and you just can't get a picture of it in your mind.

I know for some people life is just a simple path, school college fun work family work retirement fun family death. They go into whatever major or career seems most lucrative and they just live, knowing their goals knowing what they have to do etc. When life throws them curveballs they take, even if it's an 0-2 count with an offspeed pitcher on the mound. Sometimes things work out sometimes they don't but they don't hold THEMSELVES responsible. I am the opposite. I'll swing if it's 3-0 and I don't accept other people's advice as gospel or even good mythology. I want to carve out my own path and it's hard hard hard.

I wish that the glimmer of potential I see in the future could be spread out to include some of now in it. Otherwise I feel like I'm just on a wild goose chase, searching for a happy life that will always be just over the horizon. I feel okay these days, I feel alright, but that worries me. I'm not doing all that much better from a realist's perspective. Have my aspirations just dropped or am I actually healing? Do you need to FEEL better before you can DO better? I think so. But I don't know.

Reaching out and touching somebody can be hard when you've known so many porcupines. As I heal, or think I heal, I feel better in isolation but crave companionship more. Does that make sense? My overall sense of well being rises but I also begin to experience loneliness as worse than the inconveniences of company.

Can't I just have the last 19 years back to do over again. I swear I'll do better this time. I swear I'll try harder. I'll learn my ABCs and 123s and I won't disapoint my daddy by reading comic books and I won't be such an outsider.

No?

Okay, then I'll deal with what I got.

I stopped in the middle of this entry and worked out a little. I'm starting to enjoy it more now that I'm doing it on a more regular basis. I closed my eyes on the exercise bike and listened to the music and just felt it. It was actually nice. Then I got to do weight lifting which I really enjoy and it definitly perked my mood up. For some reasons aerobic exercise doesn't give me any endorphin high but when I'm benching or whatever I definitly feel those sweet naturedrugs.

I am on the cusp of something. Manhood? Recovery? Another low? I'm not 100% sure. All I know is that I'm cusping. That's not a word. So what?

Charles said that I'd make a good wrestler. That meant a lot to me. Not that he knows shit about wrestling, but you take kind words where you can get them. Right?

This is one of my new posts. The ones that are intended for me and might be all broken up and boring and irritating to others. I am pretty surprised at how okay I am with giving up my need to entertain or appear interesting right now. I'm sure it will come back but for now it is held at bay, something that I used to be but am not anymore.

I am also okay with the fact that I haven't really gotten feedback for awhile. At first I thought that if I wrote a couple entries and nobody commented on them they were failures and I felt the need to put some kind of effort into the next one. To write an essay instead of an entry. That is no longer there so much. If people want to comment that's great, but if they don't that's also okay becuase I CAN'T focus this on the responses I recieve. That just wouldn't be true to the project that this journal represents.

God I sound so new age. I need to shower and put on some real pants cause I'm gonna have lunch with a friend in about half an hour. I am currently feeling...balanced.

I'm a loser, I'm a winner, things are gonna change, I can feel it.

And yes that is a Beck quote.
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