I've been thinking about structure recently. I need more but not too much. Structure in life is a good way to avoid depression and force yourself into a more active attitude. School works okay for me but I probably need a little more structure than just school supplies. Not TOO much more though because I definitly need my alone/thinking time. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in terms of possible clubs/jobs but I think I should do something. Hmm. This is a bit of a toughie. Too little and I risk stagnating. Too much and I risk drowning.
It's hard to do and think at the same time. What I mean is that it's difficult to be pensive and thoughtful during an activity. At least for me. The problem is that I tend to enjoy thinking more than just about anything else, so I kinda stop doing whatever activity I'm supposed to be engaged in and ponder. This is not healthy, but whatcha gonna do? I mean it's hard to go cold turkey from thought. Can't exactly lock your brain up for a night so you can enjoy a game of pool without wondering whether the carpenter who made the table had a happy marriage.
I wish I could find someone who I really fit with personality wise. At this point I don't even think it's possible but is ALL friendship built on compramise? A sort of "Well I'll subjugate these views and you'll subjugate those views and we'll pretend we have meaningful agreement on important issues"? I mean are there people out there who have friends who they just like and don't find irritating in any way? Who they just enjoy being around? I am not one of those people. There is nobody on earth that I have met who I don't sometimes want to be away from. Jeff is a possible exception but even he can sometimes get me pissed enough to wish he'd just disapear for 15 minutes. And I know that I often irritate the bejeezus out of him. *sigh* Is love just finding someone who you can deal with being around? How much is based in attraction and how much in just lack of irritation?
On a humerous note Hee-Ann is in bible study class right now over this girl. She wants him to find Jesus. He is completely not right for religion, but he really likes the girl. The fucked up stuff guys do chasing women eh? He thinks for some reason that what I'm going through with respect to my thoughts on females is just a teenaged phase. He frequently needles me for the fact that I'm 9 years younger than him and I act so world weary. I am pretty sure that if we had met while we were the same age as eachother we would not be friends. Does that mean that all the people who annoy me now will annoy me less in a few years? Or does it mean that I am just too young for my mind? Or that I need a mature person to put up with all my bullshit? I dunno man I just DUN NO.
Why is it that the thought of someone who you are attracted to but who is not attracted to you knowing that you are attracted to them is so frightening? Why did I write such a terrible sentence? What I mean is that for a lot of people this is a real issue. I include myself STRONGLY in their numbers. Today during lunch Hee-Ann and I were talking about guys I knew who had screwed up attitudes towards women. I, as usual, included myself. He said that he disagreed and mentioned two girls I had brief social contact with during the summer semester as evidence. My back was facing the rest of the restuarant and I almost had a heart attack. I immediatly thought that one of the girls might have been in the area and overheard. But WHY would I care? I am very unlikely to have any contact with either of these people in the future. Why would it matter if they knew I was attracted to them? I mean it's not like either of them disliked me. It's not like I give out a threatening vibe that makes girls want to stay off of my radar. I know that my reaction was a bit extreme but it was not entirely without basis in normality. I think that it's at least in part a power issue. I don't want anyone to know that they have any sort of power over me and attraction is a sort of power. Let's face it, most guys are more willing to do favors for girls they are attracted to than other guys. This is also one of the reasons I don't really like joining clubs. You need to start at the bottom and I hate having peers in charge of me. It really chafes at me. This is not an attitude that is going to serve me well in the business world, but whatcha gonna do? Hopefully if you're Jeff you're going to earn your 125 per 45 minutes and FIX me. You hear that Jeffery? You've got till my birthday to turn me into a well adjusted normal human being or I'll be forced to come to your house and leave a bag of burning dog doo at your front door and ring the bell. We'll see how good your jump shot is when your shoe is covered in dogshit!
I think that part of the reason that I am afraid of my own sexuality (and I am) is that being attracted to someone entails giving them some slight bit of power over you. And being in an actual relationship involves giving up even more and more power. I mean sure it IS possible to find some girl with car wreck self esteem and smack her around and hope she doesn't get better, but I'm afraid I'm far too self aware and not nearly callous enough for that.
No the only kind of relationship that I think I'd really want would be one of equality and that scares me to my core. So I keep my sexuality under tight rein in front of other people, especially female people, and make up lies for myself to believe about how I don't want to get married or have a relationship for a thousand bullshit reasons when in the end it's all about the fear. The fear of not being in control, of things going horribly wrong again the way they did when I was 12. I think that's my biggest issue, the one at the core of all my problems, the one that stops me from bursting forth and taking the world by storm like the self confident and rather smart young man I know myself to be. The fear of bad things happening again, of my not being in control, of LIFE really. The truth of the matter is that I'd love to find someone to date or whatever but I am so deathly white knuckle scared that I'd rather build webs of lies around the end result to convince myself that it's based in logic or reasoning or self interest.
Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.
It's ALL about the fear.
On a side note I didn't mean to imply that Jeff lacks anything in the domestic arena. I was feeling rather cold and removed the day I wrote that entry so I said it in a way that didn't take everything into account. He has one of the least dysfunctional home lives of anyone I know. One of the reasons that I think he's probably a good shrink, he has his own ducks basically in a row. It's just not the conventional middle American dream family from the 1950's and that's something that still has appeal to me. Maybe because of its stability. His deal works great for him and that's fantastic. It's just not exactly what I want, when I can even admit to myself what I truly want.
Anyway I just thought I'd say that because that Jeff's a sensative motherfucker and last time I talked about his house he was prissy about it for weeks. At least I didn't disparage his basketball game. Then he might get violent.