Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Disorganized!

My recent entry about dieting garnered two responses, and they both referenced my lack of success with women. I was surprised at this since it's something I try to downplay when I talk or think about my weight. Yes, attractiveness is always a consideration in weight loss, for anyone. Even priests who have no intention of interacting sexually with anyone like to be thought of as nice-looking. It's impossible to live in this society and not care at all about such things. The trick is to put them in perspective and care much less than most people do.

So yeah, women are a motivation behind shedding pounds, but they are not the primary motivation and they can't be. It's a really old cliche that you can't, or at least shouldn't, lose weight for someone else. The reasons for this are manifold. For one thing, what happens if you lose weight for someone or a group of people and they don't care? What reason do you have for maintaining the loss then? If I got down to 210 lbs (The top end of what I should weigh with my height and frame) there's absolutely no guarantee that the women would be beating a path to my door. There are plenty of slim and even built guys who are catastrophic failures when it comes to the double Xers. At that point you're either going to have to figure out a new reason to stay svelte or, more likely, gain the weight back. I don't want to deal with either. Ever.

For another thing when you make another person your motivation you are, in a way, eschewing responsibility. I'm fat for a bunch of reasons but ultimately they come down to poor choices and lack of self-control and discipline. Dealing with that is important. You need the ability to pause before you put the piece of raspberry cheesecake in your mouth and say "Hold on, I've made this mistake before. This is a decision" and then make the right one. I know that sounds incredibly Dr. Philly, and that's pathetic, but just because a megalomaniacal pop-culture icon has latched on to something doesn't mean it doesn't have some truth in it. I'm pretty sure Dr. Phil thinks the world is round too.

Moving on from the cheesecake and back to women (That pun didn't really work, but I've been writing like shit recently (drederick would say 'always) , what do you expect?) I realize I talk about them a good deal here. I like to think it's partially because I see journaling as a safe and harmless place to release my ID and insecurities but apparently I constantly talk about sex in my every day life as well so maybe not. I won't deny that they are frequently on my mind. I'm male and 22, I'm supposed to think about sex every 43 seconds or so.

I'm also aware that I propound some pretty ass backward theories about that stuff from time to time. Frequently that's done with a wink and a nod, because I like stirring shit up even when I'm by myself. The way I see it if it doesn't offend anyone it's probably not interesting. Discussing well worn truths is a great way to feed your ego and a really poor way to learn anything. In the highly liberal somewhat intellectual educated world where I live it's considered somewhat taboo to suggest that there are real psychological differences between men and women. There are. It's also taboo to suggest that any difference a woman might have from a man would render her less capable in some area than he might be. One of my least favorite phrases is "Anything Y can do X can do as well or better." That's bullshit, in almost every situation X is better at certain things and Y is better at others. That's the nature of difference, the advantage of diversity, and just the way the world works. The problem is when people apply group differences to individuals and say that because the average man is a far better wrestler than the average woman that women shouldn't be allowed to wrestle even if they're good enough etc... Trying to erase differences by ignoring reality is fighting fire with fire. You can't get rid of bigotry with bigotry of another sort.

So no, I don't actually think women are crazy, as much as I like to say it. I think most women have different value systems and an overlapping but varying set of heuristics they use to make decisions when compared to men. I think women tend to play head games with themselves when they pick inappropriate partners and that irritates me. A guy will date a girl with big tits and no brain because she has big tits and no brain, and will openly state that this is the reason he's dating her. A woman will date an 'exciting' guy because he's masculine and hard to approach and will make up all sorts of weird lies about how sweet and gentle and caring he really is. What she actually means is "Look, this fucking asshole is willing to be sweet and gentle and caring towards ME. What a great signifier of my self-worth!" Bad boys are trophies in much the same way that bimbos are, and bad boy traits are attractive for many of the same reasons. The thing is, shallow men don't look at ugly but intelligent women and say "You shouldn't have trouble finding a date, look at me, I'm dating Candy because of her brilliant dissertation on whether Cocoa Puffs are more or less chocolaty than Oreos." Women who date assholes will often claim to really like nice guys, and that if you'd just look past their guy's behavior and the things he says you would find the great sweet guy buried within. Bullshit. Also, he didn't BECOME an asshole after you stopped dating. He was an asshole the whole time and just blunting the edge a little to get in your pants. This is a very important point. If the last 3 guys you've been with turned out to be jerks after you were done with them, well then the next 3 will probably do the same and it's not because being with you makes a guy jerky.

I'm getting off on a rant here, and I've moved away from my initial point. I'm going to make a new entry so I can discuss a few points about my current situation without so much baggage, but first I'd like to respond to a point made by leopardprints. She noted that as women get older they get tired of gorging themselves at a trough of lies and start to look around for honest guys. This is somewhat true, and it holds true for some men as well. When you're 40 and you realize that you ARE going to get old and die arm candy takes on a different importance. For some guys it becomes all consuming and they scramble to find a 22 year old girl so they can recapture their youth. Some realize that they should probably get around to finding a woman who has some depth and intelligence to her so that they can actually grow with and closer to her and infuse their lives with meaning and true connection before they end. This is the same mechanism, and it irritates me greatly. You shouldn't have to wait until you're 35 to realize that maybe being a shallow self-deceiving idiot isn't the best way to go. Personally I grew out of the "I want a girl with big tits" or "I wouldn't date anyone less than a 7 in looks" thing when I was FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, which is the time you should be growing out of it. Most people take a lot longer than that these days. Don't waste your youth being a young idiot. Drunken nights spent pursuing perky titted coeds in dark smoky clubs are, in the end, worse less than sober nights spent pursuing self-knowledge or real personal connections.

P.S. I've heard a lot of older women complain that older men only want younger women and that leaves them shit out of luck in the dating scene. They see this as quite a social atrocity. Well I think it's time for us younger men to complain bitterly that younger women seem to want older and better established men. We're just as fucked as those older women, but where's OUR voice? Who cries for the 19 year old guy sitting home alone watching Star Trek while his age mate goes out with a 34 year old investment banker who owns a BMW?

Nobody. He cries alone.

The argument could be made that that 19 year old will probably grow up to be that 34 year old and date a girl who's 5 years old when he's checking out Picard, whereas the older women will just continue to fade alone. Of course chances are SHE'S already HAD her sexy fun dates and maybe she used to be that 19 year old who spurned Star Trek dude for the banker with the nice car and the small penis. Every story has two sides and chicks are just as much to blame for the sorry state of American romance as guys are.
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