Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Film class girl II: The Return.

I think it's time for me to update my current self-view when it comes to women. It's getting cold again, I'm back wrapped in the confines of my beloved big jacket, and my brain is starting to gain some of its winter sharpness (even if it doesn't show in my written work.) The current situation is this. While I remain open to the idea of romance I am not actively pursuing it and in fact don't think it would be a good idea at this juncture. The fact is that my life is changing and unstable, and I'm not happy with my progress in many areas. Leaving body image aside for awhile, and it can't be ignored because it is a big factor, there's the slowness with which my creative projects are proceeding, my small social circle, current state of employment (erratic, low money, an industry where it's going to be virtually impossible to make a living, etc..) The fact that I still live at home (complicated though the reasons for that may be) and the fact that I still waste way too much time with TV and the like, even though I've been improving there in leaps and bounds.

I don't feel ready for romance, I have way too much work to do on myself, I'm not sure how it would work practically without my own apartment, and I do feel like anyone who would accept me as I am now would likely not be satisfactory once I reached the place where I want to go, unless she was working on herself equally hard. I realize the "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member" (That's GROUCHO MARX not Woody Allen) routine can be an excuse but I'm not sure it always is. If you want to join a more exclusive club and want to work towards that end I don't see it as a problem. I see it as ambition, without which we become complacent and, like a shark that's not moving, we start to die. I'm not saying that I advocate "trading up" in spouses or relationships, but when you're looking for someone I think settling is a mistake and I also think you want someone who will be striving to improve herself just as hard as you are with yourself. The couple that grows together fucks like rabbits, isn't that the way the old saying goes?

So my current status is open but not pursuing and with trepidation about entering into anything at the moment. Intellectually I don't see a problem with that. I'm not desperate to get a girlfriend and I have a lot of neurotic hangups that would make a relationship hard anyway, not to mention the fact that I don't like to do a lot of popular stuff. How many women are into walking through Central Park arguing about the state of the nation and then retiring to my place for a little bit of Atari and old 80's music, or maybe checking out Sunday Night Football. If you answered none you are pretty close to dead on correct.

All this is a nice preface to give you an anecdote that I think shows what I mean by being "open."

Yesterday was film class day again, as all Mondays are, and I was dead tired. Why am I always something before my class, be it tired or gassy or whatever? I'm not sure, I believe weekend excesses. I don't drink or smoke a lot (though Sunday I had a couple glasses of red wine) and I don't do any drugs, but I tend to sleep too little over the weekend and constantly be either doing things or figuring out things I'd like to know. Anyway, it was Monday and I was so tired that I fell asleep on the train and dropped a bag I was holding on the way to school. My eyes hurt like hell and the last thing I wanted was a 4 hour film class but I went because I paid for it and I generally like the films we see.

There were two seats available when I got to class (I only sit in the separate desks rather than the theater style rows because I don't like spilling over into other people's personal space) and one was across the aisle from the girl from last week, while the other was a few rows down. I sat across from her because I figured I'd regret it if I didn't and, well, it was just a better place to sit anyway. She was doing some stuff with her notebook and I don't know if she spotted me or not when I sat down. I wanted to say something to her, try and strike up a conversation, but I couldn't think of anything to say and I don't feel comfortable just saying "Hello" to a girl with no follow-up. In the back of my mind there's a fear that she'll find it creepy, like I'm this fat weird guy hitting on her and being obnoxious about it. She had already initiated a conversation with me so I know that I wouldn't be in the wrong by reciprocating but I just have issues with initiating social contact held over from my youth when similar situations led to rejection. People would seem to be my friends and then just turn the cold shoulder towards me if I'd go up to them and try to have a conversation. This continues to be an issue for me, even though I know rationally that you're supposed to try and strike up conversations with other people. That's part of being human.

Anyway I couldn't think of anything to say and I was tired so I just pretended to be busy until class started. I glanced at her a couple times out of the corner of my eye, I'm not sure why. I found her interesting the week before I guess, and while she's not exactly gorgeous she dresses in a way that appeals to me. Sweaters and not too tight jeans, informal but reasonably conservative. Right up my alley when it comes to women's clothing. She also has dark hair in ringlets and uses very red lipstick (I know I don't like makeup for the most part, but in this case it's not an issue. Call me a typical male pig who wants to force women to paint their faces in order to satisfy an unrealistic standard of beauty, just do so with some blush on. Babe.) both of which compliment her pale skin very well. She knows how to work with what she has.

During the break she started talking to another girl behind her and I went to get some more caffeine (I started the class with two diet sodas), though the machine wouldn't take my money. I resisted buying a sugary snack as a pick me up instead and went back to my seat. After about a minute of my sitting there she turned to me and asked if I'd seen Kinsey. This startled me and immediately kicked my brain into gear. For one thing she had re-initiated interaction, and once someone has spoken to me twice I feel comfortable reciprocating. To steal a term from our great President I had gotten some social capital that could be spent at a later point. I told her I had not, and she asked if I was familiar with his work.

Somewhere in the back of my head a voice went off reminding me that all those shitty dating sites I read from time to time tell guys that if a woman brings up a subject related to sex she might be interested. Then another voice reminded me that all those sites are total bullshit and that I should just be myself and see what develops rather than trying to steer the conversation towards sex to feel her out a little more.

Of course being myself the reply was sexual anyway, but not smooth. I said "Well, I don't mean to brag, but I'm a huge pervert and I've read all his studies dozens of times. They decorate my walls. I have a Kinsey coffee mug and it's great except the handle is slightly damaged (A reference to his penile mutilations that I'm not sure she got.)" The conversation went from there. I mentioned that my Grandfather had done somewhat related work and told her that she should see Sideways. Somehow the conversation was steered back to the professor who she'd talked about earlier and she said she still had to find out whether he was married or not. She gave a disclaimer that she doesn't usually get crushes on her professors but it's sometimes fun to fantasize. I'm not sure what to think about that. It could be a signal that she's not interested, a mention of another guy one's attracted to is not exactly a ringing endorsement for the guy you're talking to, or it could be a sign that she's available (If she was taken she wouldn't be thinking about the professor, would she?) It was probably just conversation. At that point the class started up again and I wasn't able to offer any more assistance to her.

After class I was going to continue the conversation but when I oriented towards her in order to say something her body language was not receptive, and there were people walking by and a lot of noise so I just left. I lingered a bit outside, throwing out my cans and such, but didn't see her so I figure she's not interested in post-class discussion, or she had somewhere to go. I don't know, I'm spectacularly bad at reading these kinds of things and I tend to over analyze. A couple mid-class conversations is meaningless and there's no particular reason to think she'd be interested in anything else except that I feel something of a vibe like that coming from her. That could very likely be my imagination. She's a cool chick though, I love her voice and she talks fast and articulately. She's smart and interesting while remaining feminine (She said that Lord of the Rings and Star Wars were something every boy had to see but things that had never interested her), a very attractive combination. I have a couple things to say to her next class and I'll initiate this time if the opportunity presents itself. If nothing else she'd probably be a cool person to see a movie with just platonically because she's interested in the industry and she's smart. I think some of the things I say in class annoy her a little bit, but whatever. Like I've said before, I'm not going to alter who I am to try and impress somebody. That's moving in the wrong direction.

So that's what I mean by being open but not pursuing. I don't want to think about her too much until next Monday. She's a cool chick but I'm NOT a creepy stalker guy and I'm fully aware she might not have any romantic interest whatsoever, in fact she almost certainly doesn't. The one good thing I've taken from this experience so far is that it's a reminder of what I really find attractive in a girl. I didn't even notice her until she opened her mouth, and it's her body language voice and what she says that make her attractive to me, not her physical features. Others have doubted my claims in that arena, but it's true. When it comes to women I can appreciate a tight ass or a great rack but what draws me in and worms its way into my mind is the way a girl comports herself and what she says. The feminine mind is perhaps even more alluring and mysterious than the female body. Watching those big brown eyes and red red lips animate in conversation is a thousand times more interesting than staring at a pair of silicone lumps sewn into some bimbos chest. That's the truth.
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