Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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The fundamental loneliness goes whenever two can dream a dream together. Does it though?

I think it's time to admit some things to myself. They aren't things that I'm really in denial about, more things that I've avoided talking about openly for a variety of reasons. A lot of them have to do with sexuality, and that's something I shy away from not only because it's kind of embarrassing to talk about in public but also because it's something that makes others uncomfortable. I know that I don't particularly like reading about other people's sexual acts in their journals, and I don't want to make people uncomfortable reading or responding to mine.

That last bit isn't a good reason not to talk about these issues though. At its core this journal is not a place to make friends or record my life or try to impress people with my writing. It's an adjunct to therapy and a form of therapy itself. Analyzing your actions and thoughts in writing can be just as effective as doing so in a therapist's office, not to mention worlds cheaper. The public nature of the enterprise complicates matters, of course. There's a reason therapy is done under secrecy protected by law in a closed office rather than in a glass house or an open air pavilion. It's difficult to expose your innermost secrets to public scrutiny. On the other hand, I think that some openness about personal growth can be positive and even necessary. It's weird to have a revelation and then go back to your 'normal' life without talking about it. It can retard the process. I'm open both about being in therapy and about some of the stuff I get out of it. Like anything else it's a balance. You reveal as much as you can and try to remember the things you keep to yourself so you don't revert to old patterns.

I might decide to just write up a little something about my sexuality and email it to my shrink rather than posting it here. It depends on whether people are actively against reading it, want to read it, or are indifferent. It's something I'm unsure of, I waver back and forth on the issue because it is very difficult, but difficult often means worthwhile as well.

What I can do is acknowledge that my current position is not quite as pure or aloof as I like to play it. My friend and I spent the day gadding about, and we saw some truly spectacular women. This is not overly unusual in New York, but today was pretty special. There were three notables. One was a 30-something woman pushing a stroller near Gramercy park who just had the most spectacular ass. She was about 5'5", dark hair, probably an average build, but the caboose was just about perfect. It might have been the jeans as my friend suggested but I think it was the genes. It was wonderfully proportioned to her body, with that little bulge at the bottom that I really admire and a very defined crease between thigh and buttock. I thought of going up to her daughter and saying "I just wanted to tell you that your mother has a truly special backside, and you'd be lucky to inherit it" but my niceness prevents me from doing things like that. The daughter was only 18 months old anyway, she might not have understood. Her husband, assuming she has one, is a truly lucky man though. When a woman can bear your children and maintain a body like that, well you must have been someone very good in a past life. I'm being a little facetious, obviously personality and character matter more than a bodacious bottom, but there's an animal part of the brain that screams "THAT'S NOT TRUE" pretty loud when presented with a sight like that.

A little later we stopped into a way overpriced bar (I spent $11 on a glass of wine!) for a drink and our waitress was very cute. Her face wasn't perfect, a little too much makeup, but she also had a wonderful ass. She was wearing a skirt and from the back it wasn't anything special, but the profile defined it as round and firm with, once again, that little extra bulge at the bottom. I was quite impressed. She was a really lousy waitress though, and when my friend told her he couldn't afford another drink she immediately stopped flirting with him, but she had a really nice body and her outfit was decent. Breasts were probably a full B-cup and that ass right at eye level when sitting? Let's just say that the view was absolutely wonderful except when we were looking out the window.

On the way back to my house I passed four women heading out to a night on the town (I assume) and they were talking about a movie they had seen and how spectacular it was. I had to admit to myself that I would have loved for them to be talking about something I made. One of them was really beautiful, that fresh rosy feminine skin that always makes my heart skip a beat, and I would have loved to be able to speak to her from a position of impressiveness. If I'm being totally and completely honest there's certainly a part of me that would love to have been able to throw some money around in front of the waitress, though I'm not sure I would have done that even if I could have because I think such things are gauche.

I do want to create something of artistic value, and I'm trying very hard to make that my primary focus, but it's not my only motivation of course. I might as well acknowledge that. I think that pretty much everyone would love to have a good deal of money and beautiful women swooning over them, even if all they did with the former was give it to the needy and all they did with the latter was send them on their way. The thing is while I have confidence of creating something worthwhile I have no particular reason to think I'll be able to do anything that will make a lot of money or become popular enough to sway the women, so I try to avoid those as motivating factors because chasing those phantoms has lead many a man to waste his time, gifts, and even life. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be acknowledged.

Oh and if I'm being really honest I should admit that I'd like to be able to impress the women while I'm still young enough to at least ENTERTAIN the idea of doing something about it. How old is young enough to still get a blow job from a 22 year old and not be a horny old man? 27? Something like that, I think.

Should I reveal lewd and lascivious thoughts and tendencies?

No, such things are very offensive
No, such things should be kept private
No, such things are dangerous to reveal
I don't care, but I don't want to see it! Filter!
I don't care in the least one way or the other
I don't care, but if you decide to do so I want to read!
I'm curious
I think it's a good idea and would like to know
I want to know because it's yet more ammunition for to destroy you with
Stop posting these goddamned polls

Any more questions, comments, suggestions?

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