On my way to work yesterday I saw a crowd formed around the corner at my subway stop. When I approached them to see what all the hubbub was about I saw U2 performing some song off the backs of two flatbed trucks parked at the curb. Bono was about 20 or so feet from me.
First thought: Damn, how am I going to get past these people to the subway station?
Second thought: This song kinda sucks.
In my last poll one of you asked whether my lovely sexual hangups were related to my being Jewish. They are, in that Jewish culture thrives on guilt, shame, and neurotic self-doubt. They're not merely a product of that, though. They're also heavily influenced by failure, fetish, futility, and rejection. I prefer to play my cards close to my vest in part because I'm playing solitaire. Privacy is a way of exerting control over an aspect of life that I really haven't had any control over, and a way of self-protecting against a world that can be fucking mean.
There's certainly a cost, but there's a cost to virtually everything. Every time I think I have a strong opinion I am forced to acknowledge the other side of the issue and it all comes sliding back to the center.
Yesterday, however, I had a reminder that I shouldn't be wasting my time worrying about sexuality at all. It's a non-starter for me. Today was film class again, and when I walked in the room I had every intention of talking to that girl no matter what. Carpe vespera, seize the evening!
And I almost did. Really. I sat in an appropriate place, I thought up something to say, and I made sure my vocal apparatus (My instrument, if you will) was in proper order. Then I remembered that I have absolutely nothing to offer ANY woman*, let alone one who appears to be smart and charming, and I stared off into space instead of saying something and thought negative thoughts, while listening to other people's conversations.
She ended up talking to me a little during the break again and I continued the conversation for a few moments after class, but then the professor was at his office talking about his film, which we'd just seen, and I argued with him for a few moments, which I think annoyed her. Then an Israeli MBA started talking to me and she walked off. The Israeli MBA and I went for a moonlit walk through Riverside Park talking about why Die Hard is better than Bad Boys II and then he had to go tend to his girlfriend, who was upset because she hadn't gotten a job she wanted. I walked home alone.
That's basically how it goes to me. I'm ALWAYS going to end up walking through the park with the Israeli MBA (Not literally, but you get the idea) because women don't like me. Not when they spend any length of time with me in person, at least. I'm not going to be less honest or more easily dictated to in my thoughts and opinions to please anyone, even a strong representative of the fairer sex. I'm not going to try to conform my convictions or opinions to what the class thinks or the professor says or anything else. That doesn't mean I won't listen, but I'll listen and evaluate, not just listen and ascent. I don't aspire to be a really good sponge for other people's beliefs but rather someone who dictates my own values and strives for originality in interpretation, creative endeavors, and all the rest of it. I think that that turns a lot of girls off, since women have a tendency to be joiners and a reputation for being more docile and pliable (Not all are, stereotype, blah blah blah, go fuck yourself. The point is not that there are no exceptions and if you can't understand that then you FAIL at reading.) I've always been curious as to why I've had no real female friends basically throughout my entire life, while I get alone pretty well with most guys and can build friendships with them without ridiculous amounts of trouble. Used to chalk it up to my being shy or reserved around women, but that's not true anymore and I'm still walking in the park with the Israeli, which means there's something else going on. I think I'm just someone men respond better to, and that's okay.
It has to be. I need to stop thinking about sex and women. They're a part of someone else's life, someone else's world. My mother's boyfriend's son and his girlfriend (Basically my stepbrother and his woman) are sleeping in the room upstate that was supposed to be mine, at least nominally. They're christening it with lovemaking before I've even laid eye on it. This is the first bed of mine that's been in the same room with a woman between the ages of 13 and 40 as far as I can tell. "My" bed saw some action last night and I didn't even get the Israeli MBA's phone number, or give him mine. Strangers in the night, exchanging theories on the future of American documentary film, wondering in the night what were the chances something beyond Moore and Spurlock would emerge as commercially viable.
I think it will be better after I'm out of this class and done with school for at least 18 months. Being around all those young women exposing their hips and waists as is the fashion now and having firm breasts and smooth clear cheeks tends to bring up certain types of thoughts that must be slain in their crib. I am Hera and my libido is Hercules. I keep sending the snakes and he keeps choking them**. The tanned swelling hips are aiding him. They must be eliminated. Maybe I should move to Alaska for awhile. There are no women up there. I'd be popular!
I need to rededicate to the writing, which has slagged off a bit because I've been busy. I have some filming to do tonight and a few other things to work on before Friday. Sublimation is the name of the game. Turn desire pain rejection loneliness and yearning into art and commerce. It's the only choice I have. Submission is not an option. Fuck the dying of the light.
* Seriously, this is true. I view myself as having many positive and even wonderful qualities, but they are not of the sort that women tend to value. To them, being neither fair of face nor heavy of wallet nor widely acclaimed nor of cruel OR obsequious temperament I am of absolutely no value. I'm done thinking and rethinking this. I shall brook no dissent on this issue!
** Pun intended