Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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Dirty Eyes

I'm finding it difficult to get a full night of sleep these days. I've never really liked sleeping, and now that being awake is not a neccesarily painful state I like it less and less. I know that I NEED sleep to be a productive person but I am having trouble setting aside 7-8 hours a day for it. And even when I do I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and not want to go back to slumberland.

Also the men came and took the couch to be re-covered because the cat absolutely WRECKED it and so I don't have that to sleep on. The bed in my room is uncomfortable and the fold out is folded halfway so there's nowhere for me to really sleep. That's part of it too hehe.

Today is the last day of the class I had been volunteering for and Hee-Ann is going to come by before class to pick up some postcards he left here yesterday but he has basically said that he wants to teach it solo. That means that I won't be able to set up any sort of tutoring for Cristina but maybe it's better that way anyway. Math isn't my strong suit and though I think I could do it I don't think I'd neccesarily be the best choice. Also I don't want to be lectured on spirituality and the purpose of my life anymore.

One of the problems with knowing that you often play mental games with yourself is that it makes it difficult to know what the right decision is. The one that feels right and that you conciously think is right could be a mere construction of your mind, tricking you into what FEELS comfortable rather than what IS good.

One of the things that's interesting about spending so much time awake is that you encounter long stretches of time where the industrial entertainment complex is not prepared to drug you. I don't watch all that much TV anymore (when I was truly depressed I would watch like 4-5 hours a day. Now I'm down to about 1-2 at most and some days none at all. Occasionally I'll catch a movie on cinemax or HBO but since I don't tend to just passively watch those I don't neccesarily count them. Also I will turn on a sporting event fairly regularly but since I never watch those for long periods of time without doing other stuff I don't really count them either. *sigh* okay okay I'm still a TV junkie but it IS better than it used to be.) but having it available means that I never HAVE to spend time just with myself. But if I wake up at 6:00 AM or go to sleep at 2:00 AM that means I DO have to spend time with myself and myself alone. I believe this to be a good thing.

I realize that I update this journal far too often. Considering that one of my problems is that I tend to THINK rather than DO, pouring out my thoughts on to the internet is self indulgent and de-constructive. I can't help it though. It's not that I think that the things I write here are so deep and interesting that they NEED to be shared, it's just that I enjoy being able to be honest and longwinded and tangential and still labor under the delusion that somebody is paying attention.

I also know that I post too often. Especially if anyone had bothered to add me to their friend's list. I would flood it with my idle musings very quickly. I like to pretend that that's why I was removed from that one guy's friend's list (philosopher_king or somethin') and why I find myself uncommented on, all this writing is hard to keep up with.

I tell myself that because the only alternative in my fucked up mind is that all of this blathering is worthless and laughable and nobody who reads it would give half a shit or find it half worth looking at a second time. I am not very good at middle ground, at trying to understand mitigating circumstances, at seeing things in shades of gray. Another thing I need to improve.

I have done very little this summer but strangely don't feel unaccomplished, and I STILL can't figure out if this is because of falling standards or just different kinds of achievement. It's frustrating. I am plagued by the same doubt. Am I a vibrant flower just waiting to bloom as some say, or a weed masquerading as a beautiful bloom as others have said. It seems more and more likely that it's the former, but this is something I need to figure out for myself and I am plagued by so much doubt.

However, as the Beetles did say

I've got to admit it's getting better. A little better. All the time.
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