Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Random lists of things I think I think I thought.

I know I'm not exactly off to an auspicious start on my "Writing less in my journal" kick, but I'm watching a movie (something I have to do from time to time if I want to actually, you know, make movies.) and I can't JUST watch a movie unless it's a great one, which Shattered Glass is not, although it's good. So I'm also writing down a few thoughts, multi-tasking, you know the drill. It's not breaking my word, it's re-evaluating it. I learned it from the nation's leading role model, George W. Bush.

So here we go.

1) The New York Times ran another editorial about prison sex and rape today. How have we not solved this problem already? How can we call ourselves a civilized society when we routinely expose people who've made mistakes or walked down the wrong path in life to sexual degradation and disease? That's not even counting the innocents, and of course there are many innocents sucked in by the criminal justice system and our racist easily swayed by eyewitness testimony juries. Even THAT'S not even dealing with the inequities of substance abuse law in this country, probably the biggest problem of all in the criminal justice system. It needs an overhaul, all of it. Badly. This can't be overstressed, I'd say that it's a more important issue than terrorism. Terrorism costs a few hundred American lives a year at most. Our criminal justice system destroys thousands unjustly.

2) My friend and I worked on editing yesterday and we've found an acceptable solution to our current DV editing quandary, without having to purchase a whole new computer. This is happy news, although we may have to spend some money on parts.

3) I really really need to lose weight. Seeing myself on camera is never pleasant but yesterday was just...ugh. I don't know, in mirrors I look slightly less putrid, but that videotape was unpleasant. Harsh realities are realities nonetheless though. I'm buying an exercise bike in a couple of weeks after I pay down some of my current credit card debt. I think I may have reached a point in my life where video games and DVDs can no longer be purchased en masse whenever I desire them. I need to spend the money on more important things or not at all. They got me through some very rough periods as an alternative to even more dangerous substances, alongside the very dangerous substance of food, but I am no longer as depressed or upset as I was back then.

4) Speaking of flaws of mine, the voice is really not distinct. Hearing myself talk I slur way too much and am not as distinct as I would like. I need to articulate more clearly. I think part of that is just excess tissue in my cheeks from, you know, being a big fattie, that will be reduced if I lose weight. That'd be nice.

5) With all the roadblocks in my way and missteps I've made it's pretty amazing to me that I do remain so optimistic and driven for the most part. There are times of intense self-doubt and loathing, but those are like remnants of a past that is starting to fade. Looking back I realize that I was depressed for the better part of 10 years. That's pretty intense. 15% of my life if I'm lucky. If I live longer than I probably should given how I've treated my body. This whole normal thing still feels weird to me. I think in the end it will prove a strength. Situations that would level other people will sort of roll off my back, because no matter how bad I feel or how low as long as I maintain internal peace. Morality, progress, striving. These are the things that really matter, not bank account balances or what others think of you.

6) I'm not going to edit my Thanksgiving piece. I know there were strengths but ultimately it seems too much like I'm claiming victimhood, and I'm not. I have a lot going for me in my life, and while I feel sorry for myself now and again I am NOT a victim. I am an active participant in both my successes and my failures.

7) I need to take care of my teeth. Another are where I've slipped. Eventually I'll have to spend money to get them fixed (No cavities or anything, just orthodontic damage from when I was a kid and knocked out teeth on two separate occasion) but for now I need to brush consistently and probably ought to whiten. They're really in bad shape. I have neglected so much in the past 10 years. Rebuilding will be a son of a bitch, but heck, it's experience, right? Experience is all grist for the mill. The mill needs grist.

8) My hands are peeling. I have no idea why.

9) I thought I lost my paycheck and I considered lying about it or ignoring it altogether. I'm not sure why. Yeah it's embarrassing to tell your boss you lost a check, but why in our society is that seen as such a humiliating thing? I mean everyone does stuff like that, everyone except the most anal among us. Post Truth Era I WANT ANSWERS!
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