Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Phantom roadblocks on a desert highway

I got together with my friend again today but I had a monster headache and we didn't accomplish much. I'm getting tired of these meetings where we end up just hanging out, but I have to admit they're at least as much my fault as they are his. I know it's bullshit newagey to say things like "afraid of success" but I think that in this case it's not inaccurate. I'm afraid of starting. Afraid of claiming to be more competent and experienced than I actually am. Afraid of being imperfect. It has to stop, I've been saying this, but it was clear today. It's interesting, after my friend left so did my headache. Now I'd had it from the beginning of the day so I'm not sure that I can say it was a psychosomatic symptom or some sort of mental blockage, but the fact that it went away is a sign of something. I think it might be stress. I don't like all this family crap that's been going on. It's peripheral to me for now, but I worry about the long term ramifications. My mom won't admit it but she's combined households with this guy, and that makes his family problems her problems. That, in turn, makes them mine. As an only child I don't like that.

My eating has just been shit this weekend. It's been emotional, uncontrolled, and ridiculous. Monday's a new week, and soon after that starts a new month. I'm going to try to make a new start. Newly.
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