Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I spent most of this weekend shooting, a real change from the past few in that for them I planned to shoot and failed for one reason or another. This time we got out there and got footage. Some of it was scripted, some of it was documentary, most of it was crap, some of it actually looks really good. On Saturday we shot sequences at Gabe's house, and today we were out and about in Midtown Manhattan photographing skyscrapers and other interesting locations. I had a ton of fun, especially today (Saturday was a bit more of a hassle since Gabe is not an actor, doesn't want to act, and I feel awkward about giving him direction.) He did not enjoy it nearly as much but didn't complain much. I offered to let him operate the camera but he didn't really want to, and frankly I was having so much fun that I didn't mind. I think he's depressed (he certainly says he is) and more than I thought. Oh well. I don't think walking around the city videotaping with a friend can HURT him in any case, and it's probably healthier than sitting around surfing the web and drinking which is what I think he would have done otherwise.

There were some ugly truths revealed in the filming. For one I need a new tripod. The one I have now does not pan smoothly and that ends up making shots look kinda lousy. I'm not sorry I have it, since extra tripods are never a bad thing and it's light and very portable, but I need something with cleaner looking action.

For another I need more practice, which was an obvious but no less true one. My hand is a little shaky (the cold didn't help) and when I'm zoomed in it's very noticeable. Unfortunately these days if you want to shoot the public you need to use extensive zooming, because people hate having a camera stuck in their face and they act differently when one's around. If you're shooting from 30 yards away people don't really notice you and they act more naturally.

My framing isn't perfect yet, it's a little tentative. Basically I need more experience, and I'll get it. I need to be out there in the morning filming at least a couple times a week. I need to be spending a lot more time out there with a camera, even alone. I can't say exactly why I haven't been except that I'm embarrassed by my beginner's ineptitutude. A lot of my blocks come from this. I don't like admitting what I want to do because I'm tired of people having grand expectations for me. On Saturday evening there was a girl in the video rental place I went to who recognized me from film class and we chatted a bit while she filled out my membership form. She asked what I wanted to do with my life and I was evasive. I'm not sure why. I think I didn't want this girl to know what I wanted to do and judge me on my progress and where I was and all that stuff. People assume I'm more competent than I really am. I hate that.

This also relates to my father. Losing him when I did taught me that expectations are not necessarily closely linked with future outcomes. My mother is constantly asking about plans and stuff because she's a typical stifling kike mom, and I HATE HATE HATE all this expectation placed on me by the world and those around me. It's like a big lead backpack dragging me down and it's severely hampered my accomplishments so far. I wish people would stop calling me a genius and professors would stop calling me into their offices and telling me I have a real knack for their field and should pursue it. I can't STAND the fucking pressure.

So I'm going to do this quietly and low key and not talk about it much outside this journal where I will trust the lot of you NOT to respond in any way, and hopefully with a few months under my belt I will be able to take the images from my head and place them on a screen and they will be wonderful. I keep reminding myself I'm still young, I still have lots of time to grow and blossom, and I keep the monkeys off my back.

Like I've said many times, this isn't a choice, it's something I'm compelled to do by forces deep within my subconscious, so I need to buckle down and get on the ride. World, women, industry, family, friends, all of ye be fucked. My life is lived for me and if you don't like it then go bother someone else.
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