Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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She says baby, it's 3-AM I must be lonely

My cat woke me up today. I hadn't slept well and I wanted a few more minutes but she squeaked relentlessly until I got up and petted her. She's never done that before and I have no idea what it was about, since she wasn't trapped under anything or hurt in any way. The believer in me wants to say that she knows that my mom wants to leave her here while we go on the trip and that I want to take her, but the logician in me says that she just wants attention/possibly food. Now she's in here rubbing up against my legs. When in doubt believe logic because logic rarely lies maliciously.

Beliefs do.

Dr. X says that all friendship is based on compramise and I guess that's true to a point, but aren't there ANY people who just LIKE being together and don't do it just so they don't have to be lonely? I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling lonely right now because I realize that my friendship structures are built around the person I used to be and not the person I am. On the other hand most people DO bore me. Ahh life. I wish I was wise already but I think I'm too much of a pipsqueak to be so at this point. One of the funny little things about wisdom is that it often comes after you've made important decisions rather than before. I guess TRUE wisdom is being able to use wisdom that comes too late to change a specific choice? Because as long as we are alive and healthy we have choices and every choice relates to others.

Dr. X also says that sorting out someone's love life in Thailand while you're in England isn't fun, but I think that I disagree. I mean maybe it is not fun for HIM but I think personally it would be quite interesting. I also think that far too many people use the term "Isn't fun" when they mean "Isn't easy". Since when did fun and easy become synonyms. I don't particularly like easy things but I think that most people in this age of manufactured musicians and new age mumbo jumbo DO. I'm not saying that Dr. X is mistaking difficult for un-fun but just generally making a point I feel merits making.

Dr. X asked me what scares me most with respect to women. I think the answer to that is twofold. The first is being betrayed, picking the wrong one, ending up investing emotional energy and a place in my heart into a relationship with someone who will abuse it or doesn't deserve it.

The second is failure. I know that at this point I would not make a spectacular or even neccesarily good boyfriend. I have far too many hang-ups issues and just plain problems. I would vascilate wildly between sullen, domineering, concilliatory, confused, unemotional, scared, bored and a thousand different moods none of which would be very pleasant to be near. The thing is that none of these would neccesarily show through nakedly so they would be cloaked in kindness and therefore all the more deadly. Jeff, despite his perscription of oral sex to cure what ails me, has said that I shouldn't be in a relationship right now because I'd feel that I had to be the best at it and that's an insane viewpoint to take. I agree. But it scares me to KNOW that I might very well be the problem. Because I hate failure even while knowing that it is neccesary for growth. Because I don't like to think of myself in terms of someone who might find a great girl and totally blow it. Because it wouldn't be fair to blame it all on her but if she doesn't exist then it's easier. If I say that any potential girlfriend would likely not be good enough for me then I'm really just creating a fictitious character and blaming things on her. And that's okay, because nobody gets hurt or judged. I think. I'm not sure. This sort of parsing my thought processes really does require Jeff's assistance.

Dr. X says that he hates manufactured boy-bands and loves the beach boys. It's funny because I think that a lot of boy bands are trying to be beach boys and beetles successors. Of course the beach boys were even LESS deep on the surface than the Beetles, but I know that if you scratch away the image and get down to the song writing and some of the later work that they did have musical depth. I just find it kinda funny how two things can come from two totally different directions and end up looking similar on first glance.

Dr. X says that he senses that I think he advocates holding out for something good that may never come. I don't think that's what I meant (although I don't 100% remember because when I'm writing these I sort of just let them flow without worrying too much about it, Zen like. It's one of the reasons this is a good process for me) What I believe I meant was that I think he advocates taking a known quantity over an unknown one. Safety over risk and all that jazz. I understand now he has good reason for it.

I am of Jewish descent but of extremely nonpractising Jewish descent. I am moralistic for so many reasons it's hard to explain. Impossible really. Has to do with dad and my young life and being teased and being intelligent and being afraid and a thousand different things.

Dr. X asks me to share revelations about him from my grand mind (yeah, that WAS sarcasm) but I wonder where he wants them shared. Out here in the open of the journal? If so that's fine but I'll have to give examples and it will start mixing some of who Dr. X is into the journal. I'm probably wrong on most of my intuitions anyway. Or not.

I'll await his response before I delve.

Another little thing that I guess I should write but I feel the need to hide at the bottom of a long entry because I don't want people reading it before they get to know me at least a little, is that there is a neat little thought circle going on in my head. You see I judge people, especially female people, for their sexual history and mistakes. I know it's an untenable position but it's one I hold because.....I do...and until I jetison it I cannot start making my OWN mistakes without being a hipocrit. Maybe I hold the opinion partially because I haven't made my own mistakes. I don't know. I think it's all bound together far too tightly to easily dig into it. This is one of the judgements that I almost never allow to leak out of my brain but part of journaling is admitting the flaws that make us human. One of the reasons that I am loathe to mention this is that I know some of the people who read this have made the sorts of mistakes I tend to moralize against and I don't want them to feel judged because it ISN'T FAIR FOR ME TO BE DOING THIS.

I am faced with the double bind of being unfair or being a liar. It's an untenable position like so many others. Maybe I'm totally wrong. Maybe they won't care. Maybe they won't think less of me (which is one of the reasons I don't want to be writing this) but if they do I'm sorry and while I won't beg forgiveness I will admit that I'm wrong here.

Life and living and the mind are all quite complicated. Sometimes there is no such way as right or up.

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